A Northern Power (Not Nice)

Journals - Major Programs
#121

Big time.

“Friends”, workers, people who I don’t know. All have screwed me over to varying degrees:

  • I work to a high standard, others look at me like “you’re a sucker”
  • I’m “nice” to women, that gets me the friend zone
  • I promote others in art, that gets me ignored and left behind.

It comes from being raised by two narcissist parents who look at me like an object, who forced me to accept that lying, backstabbing and deceit was acceptable and normal, along with being their child counsellor and weighed down with excessive responsibility. So I as a person doesn’t exist. That makes me as an adult “narc bait”, “easy to manipulate”.

  • I can’t tell anyone to cut it out (I’m not heard or believed anyway)
  • I’ll keep it to myself (no one will listen to me anyway)
  • I can’t be real (no one will validate it anyway)
  • I won’t reveal myself (it will be dismissed, mocked and ridiculed)
  • I won’t express my emotions (no one will respect it)
  • I won’t trust anybody (as trust was broken with zero fucks given).

So it’s a basic lack of respect I’ve grown up to accept as normal. But Dragon Fire will change that.

4 Likes
#122

This is what I think stood out to me the most. Your supervisors should feel grateful you are there.

Agreed.

Have I mentioned the book “When I say no I feel guilty”.

As of this moment, are you using anything with Code of Loyalty, Fenrir, Ebon Maneuver, Limiting People Remover, The Commander, GLM, The Boundary, Fearsome, Codename: Umbra, or Eventide?

[I’m thinking protection and… something with a bit of a bite for you.]

Perhaps even Ascension, LBfH, and Sanguine. Maybe eventually Khan.

4 Likes
#123

This is very inspiring and it is challenging coming from an origin that may have not adequately invested in your potential. Though I see you have risen to the occasion and are consistently empowering yourself. I hope you find bliss :desert_island: in your Northern Empire, King :crown:

4 Likes
#124

Your recent posts have been hitting me–since I can relate to almost EVERY derogatory and demasculating statement you’ve made about yourself. It’s honesty which packs a punch.

I would like to thank you for being willing to air that stuff. You know, the stuff you always (or often) think and feel…but don’t admit since it’s felt too often (like about every hour). It touches me since I thought I was the only one who had such negative programming. It gives me courage when you or others share this so easily.

That thinking has led me to a lot of poor decisions and directions in life. I’d like to hide in non-truths about my life, but it’s those little choices (like hiding, specifically) which pang me with shame. This leads to more hiding, then more shame, and the hole is dug deeper. At the very least, I can admit to it here.

I did Emperor and LBFH yesterday, and today I feel weak and emotionally soft. So hiding it is today.

I got stuck after writing that last sentence, and I realized I’m looking for old hideouts, like looking good, sounding good, pretending I’m confident, etc., and it’s all BS.

I feel kind of low today since my normal hideouts (being busy, etc.) aren’t on my list of needs today. I’m just feeling stuff, real and raw, and I don’t know where to go with it. Writing in my journal seems to get ignored, so yeah, I hold it in. Sorry to lament in your journal.

Just…thanks. It took some balls to air that stuff.

EDIT: I’m going to go suggest a module or sub which focuses un on seeking some attention while healing. Avoiding that messes up everything for me while actively trying to heal.

EDIT2: I made an official request for this module on the roadmap.

2 Likes
#125

This is the beginning of your healing, to acknowledge what needs to change. Sounds like Ascension at work to me. It will shift.

2 Likes
#126

Yes you did! Kindle order coming up.

I have all of those except:

  • Fenrir (cold blooded ruthlessness)
  • Code of Loyalty (for betrayal)
  • The Commander
  • Codename Umbra (no see)
  • Eventide (no speak)

I’ve seen Lineage and Last Stand advertised, not crazy about learning from my parents’ characteristics, other than learning to detach with family trauma healing. Last Stand was made for my job, unfortunately.

I’ve been feeling unusually proud of myself considering where I’m started from and am now employing ’narrow focus" in life - my immediate attention on the things that matter to me, ignore the rest. So you may be right in it being Ascension blossoming.

4 Likes
#127

Knowing what you know now after running DR and everything else, if the Subliminal Club genie appeared, and granted you the wish of your ideal custom subliminal, what would you create?

By the way, Michel, look how many people your posts have inspired recently.

@Fractal_Explorer I want to make sure you have seen the above posts, starting here:

(I was going to tag you @subliminalguy but you already saw this.)

4 Likes
#128

Thanks @RVconsultant

@Michel I hope DR ZP releases you from this recurring cycle of pain. I know all too well the cycles of intense rage and states of being paralyzed from triggering life events. Also feeling like life is a warzone or battle that you have to constantly stay on top of.

Going to be following your journal and seeing how this all unfolds for you. Will be dropping by from time to time for moral support.

2 Likes
#129

Ascension is god send brother :slight_smile:

By the way, on Ascension, I truly experience this Ascend, internally, whereby I can sense an empowerment and with it comes this uplifting feeling that certain things which were to my detriment in the past, I can and will no longer accept.

And it comes so natural, others are barely able to “perceive” a change.

It’s second nature.

1 Like
#130

I’ve identified that self confidence, self love and self esteem are big priorities right now. Calming down is an additional bonus. So Ascension custom stacked with Dragon Reborn.

Ascension/AM*
Sanguine*
Commander*
Love Bomb Humanity*

Fenrir
Ebon Maneuver
Limiting People Remover
Fearsome
Immortals Blade
Lineage
Last Stand
Manipulus
Code of Loyalty (recognising betrayal)
Untouchable (scapegoat exile)
Eventide (for my big mouth)
Call of Honour (pride and integrity)
Natural Winner
The Boundary
Iron Frame
Divine Self Image
I AM
Pride Unbroken
Courage Reclaimed
Inner Voice
ARES
Unlimiter
Virtue Series: Temperance (scarcity mindset)
Potentiator

Primal and GLM as alpha subs just aren’t priorities anymore. I’m too messed up for relationships with women, too stressed and on the rat wheel for anything meaningfully creative and now I need to build enough wealth to not be homeless. Essentially I’m adulting.

@Fractal_Explorer @Houdini @SwagKing @RVconsultant @subliminalguy @Lion thank you all for your support, I appreciate your good advice.

If Saint and Fire are reading this, I have an idea for a module -

Sacred Lamb – there are times where we are selected for unfair treatment by others due to being different in some way, with Sacred Lamb you will discover a deep reservoir of Divine self love, self reassurance, pride and strength that will carry you through this tough period of your life. Sacred Lamb will also develop strategies to protect yourself from negative energies aimed at you, whether that is emotional or spiritual shielding, or practical steps to take to leave scapegoating situations. It will also attract people on your side to lessen the impact of being unfairly isolated.

5 Likes
#131

Do upvote:

2 Likes
#132

Yes, updoot it please, anybody who’s been selected to be the black sheep in any situation, be it family, work, friends or society at large coul benefit from this proposed module

Thanks to @Lion for putting it on the road map!

1 Like
#133

Let it all hang out

I feel like I can no longer hold back my most undesirable characteristics: being clumsy, forgetful, imperfect, that sometimes messes up on the job. This might be the reconciliation talking but being occasionally sloppy, dirty, smelly, together with accepting I can be deceiving, biting, dyslexic, angry – I’ve given up trying to hide these dark traits and learning to embrace them as part of me. I’ve learned that how I appear to others is important and if I’m publicly imperfect, then the best thing to do is to run away and hide in shame - one must be always perfect, to have high standards and to never ever bring shame to the family (but I’m the shameful one already?)

Having said that, there is a newfound type of arrogance emerging about owning these traits: “yeah I messed up, so what of it? You going to report me to security? My own record speaks for itself.” But is it really arrogance? Am I not allowed to have any pride in myself? Do I just wallow in pity forever because someone says so? Doesn’t self pride go against the edict of the scapegoat - “do not think positive about yourself ever, it’s considered selfish”. Of course I can!

5 Likes
#134

This is a deep realization, and I think an admirable one. Wanting to put romance on hold can be a difficult decision.

I would encourage you to revisit your list in about a week and narrow it down.

Adding DR will likely help too.

Great job!

2 Likes
#135

Cleansing fire

Dragon Fire is tiring me out, I’m tired most of the time, that’s on top of a 40 hour week. But I’ve finally gotten over the anger thing at work. Losing my shit far too often wasn’t a good look going forward and so I hired extra help - I uncovered the hidden “wounded child” at age 7 that felt immense shock, terror, abandonment and a sense of not trying and released the energy.

Working temporarily in another shop where is busier but without the intense psychological mind fuck. A much better environment to work in with colleagues who aren’t trying to intimidate and unsettle me. I’m signed off and preparing for the big city move.

  • Noticed this on a regular basis, women either licking their lips or repressing their attraction with their lips. That attractive, huh?

  • I’m dropping things on the floor, things fly out of my hand, I can hold on to stuff. Maybe this is part of the breakdown?

  • Still too honest, still telling others my business. Not a problem but bad hombres use that against me.

A couple of things I would like in the near future:

  • Recognise that some people just don’t deserve my loyalty.
  • Want more money to be comfortable in my own place, I don’t mind sharing.
  • Still a little scared of living for myself only, never mind another person, or even women.
  • I don’t even have my independent mind, can I express myself fully?
  • Learning to displease others
  • Learning to stand by what I think
    Continue with childhood wound excavation
  • Self love generation
  • Gaining distance from family yet taking the positive from my lineage
  • Finding out who I am away from the family system (lots and lots of guilt)
  • Growing up. Adulting.
  • Paying my own way in life and making more cash. (EOG stage 1)
    Pursuing my art, showing my work in galleries

Going to finalise my custom build selection over a good Tim Hortons (yes they exist in the UK too!)

6 Likes
#136

Have you found a good module you’ll use to address this? I’m not as talkative these days in a general sense however in more intimate conversations i.e. one on one with others, I tend to overshare as well.

I’d love a remedy as much as you. Let me know if you find a solution bro

2 Likes
#137

I’ve been told Eventide is great for oversharing, also Ascension for a general sense of self belief, so that you don’t need to spill your guts for approval. So Eventide is going in the custom.

3 Likes
#138

Well well my friend, you got me convinced on my next Journal… GLM, Rich and Emperor lets go.

I was reading your journal and thinking to myself that i had also two narcicist parents the only difference is i was put intentionally in very hostile enviroments wich led me to thoughen up and even became like a robot without feelings …

Wich led me to all sort of problems but somehow the universe granted me a free pass.

Keep making small changes with the end in mind, only know after 2 years i am going to change subs.

10 Likes
#139

Dragon Reborn is far too tiring to run, whilst on a six day week. However my trauma level IS much lower, no freak-outs at work so far because I can’t tap into the wounded self energy – I let the customers lose their shit instead and keep myself happy.

Also realising that healing being such a lengthy process cannot be done in the same environment that created it. I do believe that being around toxic people infects you so much that you start to pull in equally toxic people and environments.

So I’m preparing to leave my birth city of 30+ years permanently and the weird thing is I feel sad that I have to come back to visit. There are some places where you just fit and some where you’re on edge all the time. Leaving my new city on a short visit I felt sad.

My new workplace is so welcoming, the boss is very approachable and overtime is plenty. Then I stepped out into the new city centre, taking in the positive atmosphere (in the middle of a festival) and wondered why on God’s green earth did I stay YEARS and YEARS tolerating such abuse? I’m still shell shocked at people who are actually nice to me. I thought life was about being on permanent survival mode?

Leaving is essentially No Contact – I have to do this. It is a matter of saving myself from mental breakdown. My head hurts, I cannot relax in my own room (because the family take away my energy) and work is the only escape, full of stimulation overload. I’m tired of running after money to keep family happy. I have to get away otherwise I will go mad. Of course I’m expecting all the accusations of guilt, shame, being disloyal (how could you hurt your mum? But hurting me was fine, right?).

My short visit clarified what I need from my custom – do I need so many hard protection modules in this new city? Should I include modules for social skills, prosperity, soft healing, creativity? I don’t know, but moving will drastically change the composition of the final module build. I’ll stick with Dragon Fire and LBFH in the new place and go from there.

7 Likes
#140

Just keep going North and eventually you will find it and become the King.

2 Likes