A Northern Power (Not Nice)

Journals - Major Programs
#81

Realisations and laments

  • My thoughts are adjusting from feeling like a victim of everything to “I run shit”. I’m not powerless to change my circumstances, I’m not so weak that I must lean on others to help me up. I must help my own ass up, no one else.

  • At the same time I must be careful not to tear myself down. It took a palm reader to pinpoint my issue. I didn’t know better at the time.

  • Discovering why my behaviour at work has been so erratic - stress from being new, just not having a core identity, fearing others are out to get me, being too open with my life, taking banter personally, running away from problems, defaulting to submissive/receptive against a stronger person (usually women).

  • Tough to admit that I’ve been cheated out of a father figure and him just accepting me rather than unfairly comparing me to his first children. He did make a small effort to try and relate to me, but I was just too soft. Not standing up to a persistent school bully probably confirmed that he thought I was a disappointment.

  • Reason I get picked on is that I look like a strong guy, but sound and act quite weak. That type of incongruence seems to anger others. When I finally spoke up at work, it felt good to finally get in touch with my core. 30 years of being the “better person and taking it”…

All of this just from adding to the AM/GLM custom.

7 Likes
#82

Sounds like my whole self improvement journey so far!

Currently:

  • Regular base job barely coping at
  • Still living with parents
  • Can’t drive
  • Need cosmetics done
  • No girlfriend for a very long time, longest dry spell ever
  • Women and peers have friendzone me in the past
  • Lost in direction, low drive, scared to want more.

Sounds like typical beta to me. Oh well…

Going back to basics with my name embedded then building out.

6 cycles?
New target acquired.

2 Likes
#83

King of the North custom
Week 3, cycle 2

  • Confidence in myself is steadily improving, absolutely no doubt, no second guessing, no nervous stressing. I still need to apply to work elsewhere due to the boss’ regular attitude of lashing out when things go wrong. Nothing goes off inside that says – “…wait that treatment isn’t right, hit back”. Instead it’s more like “this is fine”. No it fucking is not. I need to recognise that sometimes other people are just arseholes and it is not my responsibility to fix and pacify them.

  • Early AM results on rest day: some dude on the train platform kept floating around me quite closely - I could feel my anger rising – this dude is encroaching on my space. Fucking move, dude.

  • I’m in a shirt and tie, which I hate as it makes me look like a subservient wage slave, but my attitude is different. I also look a lot leaner and a bit more muscle. Must be that physical shifting.

  • Enjoying life at the moment, even though I still work, the second job is a lot more relaxed, I missed my train but didn’t lose my shit, got back home very smoothly and into a crowd of 90,000 girls leaving Wembley Stadium. Better display all that alpha masculinity!

  • Caught a chick riding with her mother in the window looking at me in the mirror, she then lifted her arms and exposed most of her neck…

3 Likes
#84

  • Why are women staring me out on the streets? With hungry eyes. One chick was eyeballing me hard whilst licking her I’ve cream. A little creepy. Am I that sexually attractive? Lol.

  • Uncharacteristically I shut myself off from a difficult co-worker. Normally I’d try to engage him in friendly talk, and have done so for the past three months with little success. However, this time I decided, fuck him and sat with my back to him saying nothing.

I’m done trying to pour into a black hole, chasing approval to someone who regards me as nothing. I am protecting myself and recognising that I don’t need to be besties with anyone. I am worthy whatever anyone says it does.

  • This cycle is now digging into past emotional stuff, releasing a lot of old trauma and upsets, it was so bad I considered not going into work today. I suspect it is either ARES getting to work on the toxic shame or I AM.

  • Ascension ZP is pointing me again towards art – I’m excited to also receive the art custom (Ultimate Artist, Rembrandt, etc) and see what brand new skills I can uncover. Also got an appointment with an art store regarding showing my work in 2023. Watch this space!

7 Likes
#85

  • The reconciliation is heavy – sniffling and coughing (spiritual flu). I sense that lots and lots of past beliefs and wrong conclusions about life is getting rewritten - again centred around confidence. Being mocked at primary and secondary school for being “weird”, by ex-friends turned bullies - even the teachers joined in… All of that torturous pain hopefully being forgiven and associated beliefs rewritten. What’s related to the recon may be that putting myself first is now acceptable and even a moral duty.

  • Feeling a lot more at ease - must be GLM – easier to cope with stress, surer of the tasks I am doing, easier to keep track and stay alert. Then when I’m finished, it’s time to kick back and chill.
    No more being swayed to and fro by hystericals.

  • Thinking about the male figures in my family and despite being shown a really bad example in my father, I can be the one to correct it in my own way and make my ancestors proud. Not interested in having children but my legacy will be the overcoming of early obstacles to live a rich, wisdom filled life and hopefully be a famous artist.

9 Likes
#86

Seems like you’re making progress faster than ever

2 Likes
#87

@davisnwc custom builds have been the master key in overcoming those obstacles and I’m thankful for SubClub and the community in general. :muscle:

3 Likes
#88

  • Still in recon but gotten over the big hump, which appeared to be a major trauma back when I was in high school, I felt so low about myself that engaged in self abuse (found out the details via other means). This one trauma gave me several days of feeling crap however a breakthrough is coming because my real personality is slowly emerging as more authentic and “weird”.

  • What I’m noticing more is getting frustrated and irritated when I don’t get my way. Example being going straight back to the coffee counter when they messed up my order and insisted that they correct it. I’m polite at first, then if they don’t hear me, the Emperor’s Voice comes out. The pleasing personality – hiding anger inside - comes from being raised in the narcissistic family structure, that says the “scapegoat” isn’t allowed to say they’re angry in case of violent retribution.

  • My life path has been a lesson on power. Being subjugated physically and mentally serves almost as a real life device on how others wield direct power over others for the hell of it. I don’t know what to make of these lessons other than my naiveté over what humans can do to others.

Godlike Masculinity has turned me into an unbothered, unstressed dude who doesn’t flinch when stuff happens. Now my job is the same but I don’t react with nervous anger anymore. I sleep better, have more energy and I just don’t give as much of a fuck about it anymore - nothing is permanent and I can leave anytime if I want.

6 Likes
#89

  • Coping really well, my whole aura is that of an independent self assured masculine man who is chilled and unbothered. Not giving out “pick on me” signals energy left and right, which everybody associated with work took advantage of. It’s also has scared the fake alphas away – they can no longer get away with AMOGing me, they’ve stopped point blank. (Fearsome). There’s no more trauma for them to feed of.

  • Whatever that roadblock that caused the mega flu reconciliation episode last week has been destroyed, leaving me free to become naturally more confident, free and self expressive with more masculinity, poise and cool. No need to punish myself or try to run away from trauma, the big egregore has gone and it is good.

  • I’m not interested in women. Being the failed surrogate boyfriend numerous times has killed all motivation to pursue any woman sexually. Just not interested in “love”, which in my experience is such a nebulous, manipulative and flimsy concept. I see through the inner workings of “normal” male female relationships and am not bothered with it. Push and pull, keeping interest, fearing loss… Just, no. (PCC).

  • Immediate Ultimate Artist custom result. Asked for an exhibition in a store, got it! Asked for an unavailable date, got it!

It definitely isn't

pLaCeBoOi

5 Likes
#90

I don’t know what else to say about this custom other than it is the bomb. Small results:

  • The treadmill of trying to heal trauma and running to search for solutions is over. Now, I can just be and have a have a lot of time and energy to play with.

  • Doing what I want to do, when I want to and have that validated by me and me alone is liberating. No more going along with something because others may see it was acceptable

  • There’s a drive to break away and do something independent of the regular job, which is where the creative side comes in. I can now invest in decent materials (and I got myself a good discount!!!)

  • Now I’m working close to 40 hours a week and I’m not in the least bit tired or exhausted. Putting that money into driving lessons.

Adjustment to the custom may involve adding something like Natural Winner and something productivity related, because feeling like a loser who cannot get ahead is a conditioned belief. Now that the major obstacles are clear, do I dare to succeed?

3 Likes
#91

  • Possibly getting reconciliation as I’m debating whether to stop listening to the custom and add Wanted. But I’ve got to stick with it. Ascension/GLM is getting me noticed and desired by women and I want more.

  • There can’t be much more healing left, most of the modules dedicated to it ARES, Februus etc have hopefully zapped it all away.

  • Women now a positive response to me – it goes from pretend non interest all the way up to sexual fantasy land, some even apologising to me for minor mistakes.

Speaking of which, two happy incidents:

  • I bought some new shoes and the sales clerk, a short haired woman explained how brand new leather shoes are tight and would expand as I wore them. Then I realised it was almost a subconscious pick-up line - she wanted to jump me. I told her where I lived and she had this wonder about her, like she took it as an invitation for her to come round…

  • I phoned my colleague at work (the feisty chick) about something and I got such an attitude back… But GLM kept me grounded enough to say "what the hell? She was ok 10 minutes ago.” I’m also sure that terse reply was sexual tension, she wants to jump on top of me. But don’t shit where you work, right?

6 Likes
#92

Having time off work recently allowed me to really dig into Robert Glover’s masterpiece No More Mr Nice Guy and taking detailed notes. I realised that the sum total of my whole being is in that book. Richard Grannon videos also confirmed this. So what to do?

Continue with Ascension GLM and PCC with added Primal. These cores are the foundation of being an integrated male.

Plus modules such as:

  • Emotions Unfettered (unlock my emotions)
  • Potentiator (not to waste talent)
  • Natural Winner (stop feeling like a loser)
  • Call of Honour (covert lying is a thing)
  • Pride Unbroken
  • ARES (target toxic shame)
  • Virtue Series Temperance (end scarcity mindset)
  • Courage Reclaimed (the world isn’t dangerous)
  • I AM / Divine Self Image (crucial)
  • The Boundary (essential)
  • Power Unleashed (stop giving off weak signals)
  • Atman (question all of my limits)
2 Likes
#93

  • Thanks to GLM I now have the look of a very masculine man. There may also be physical shifting going on too. I’m also very calm poised and ready to unleash some man power (either fighting or fucking). I know it’s working because men cough when I walk past, as a form of respect. It also magically attracts women like catnip - more than once a girl is looking at me with licking lips.

  • I’ve just realised something – last week when the feisty chick colleague who responded to a simple question on the phone to me in the rudest terms possible was … shit testing me!
    Damn… is she that hot for me that she would do that?

  • Again at the job some issue caused by a lack of organisation from the boss and my female colleague was still learning on the job. The issue caused us to be late, but I just jumped in there, took charge like a disinterested Clint Eastwood, found the issue and finished closing down the shop for the day.

  • This job along with Ascension and being screwed over has toughened me up to deal with masses of crap flung over my way, be assertive and answering back. As a Nice Guy™ that is encouraging and rewarding to see steady changes in my self.

8 Likes
#94

Small wins from Ascension) GLM custom:

  • More confident and comfortable with myself at work. Taking off my shoes and being less invested in doing a good job and getting everything “right”. Completed two successful end of day shifts at the job, whilst asking for help. The difference is asserting myself and knowing who is safe enough to ask and trust. I’m also disinterested and dissatisfied with the job.

  • Yet more attraction from women, so much so that whilst on the beach minding my own business, as I turn round to look, a few women are facing me and flipping through their hair!

  • Learning to feel and validate my own feelings – a Gregg’s server threw my order at me. I said to myself “what am I? A fucking dog?”. I was mistreated yet it took a while to acknowledge it. Gave the food away to a homeless dude. I’m not taking that kind of shit.

  • With my art, I posted a simple reproduction painting of a famous British actress and it has over 20 likes (usual is no more than 5). The Spotlight working for me at last!

  • Getting more in touch with my sexuality, feeling more desirable and masculine, regular morning wood :wink:

Now on to the elephant in the room:

  • Since most trauma is gone, I feel ready to take on the two big monsters in my closet – 1) expressing feelings without getting mocked, ridiculed and receiving narcissistic rage back. 2) divorcing mom.

  • Expressing feelings means the risk of confrontation and getting anger and rage back. I don’t know if I can cope with that. It also means confronting family on how I’ve been the “identified patient” being blamed for everything wrong and cannot do anything right.

  • Being stuck is loyalty to mom. I actually believe what she says - life is dangerous outside and you must stay by your family, otherwise you will die. Obviously this is false, but i still believe it and have remained mentally stuck since. Also improvement and success means also abandoning mom. I must find a way to divorce mom.

6 Likes
#95

What are you thinking about? A custom? DR?

2 Likes
#96

I’ve already sent in a custom build with Ascension/GLM/Primal as a base, plus a load of modules:

  • Furious Ascent (leaving comfort zone)
  • Call of Honour (pride and integrity)
  • Foundation (stable emotions)
  • Natural Winner (stop loser mentality)
  • The Boundary (absolutely essential)
  • Power Unleashed (stop inviting abuse)
  • Manipulus (stop being influenced by others)
  • Divine Self Image (deserving better)
  • I AM (stronger self concept)
  • Pride Unbroken (proud, no matter what happens)
  • Courage Reclaimed (yes I can do it)
  • Inner Voice (what I want should be important)
  • ARES (eliminate toxic shame and guilt)
  • Fearsome (no more being targeted)
  • Limiting People Remover (cutting toxic people out)
  • Atman (question my own limits)
  • Virtue Series: Temperance (stop scarcity mindset)
  • Emotions Unfettered (expressing feelings)
  • Potentiator (stop wasting talent)
  • SPS Fat Burn (stomach fat)

The approach is more specific and tailored to motivate me forward.

5 Likes
#97

Overall, I would say this looks great, especially considering that I’ve been following your journal and this seems spot on!

Here are some thoughts:

What about Unlimiter instead?

Makes sense.

What about FEBRUUS instead?

Also, what are your thoughts on Vortexdive Crucible?

#98

Depending on how the custom goes, I might just switch it up in a month’s time with these modules. I went with Atman out of a need to find out what type and why the limitations, on a subconscious level I already know.

Unlimiter with Februus looks like a good pairing. I’m not in the vibe of using Vortexdive may be useful for facing down the beast, just not now as the beast hasn’t appeared.

On the whole I’m satisfied with the new version of the custom, the masculinity core trifecta with as much Nice Guy™ module correction as possible and a lot of self pride (except Untouchable, another module I’ll switch up later)

1 Like
#99

May as well share the Artist custom list too:

  • Ultimate Artist (foundation core)
  • Rembrandt (paint like a world famous master)
  • Renaissance Man (creative fuel)
  • Chiron (eventually to teach art at college)
  • The Spotlight (instafamous)

Realised I didn’t include Raikov on that list. Any other modules I’ve missed for a career painter?

1 Like
#100

Would also recommend:

  • Productivity Unleashed
  • Machine: Action
  • Natural Winner
  • Overdrive
  • Gloryseeker
  • True Sell
  • Sultan
  • Blue Skies
  • Yggdrasil
1 Like