A Northern Power (Not Nice)

Journals - Major Programs
#383

This is where Subliminal Club finally excels at their game… Phoenix

I can’t return to who I was anymore, lots of self sabotaging behaviours at work and at home where it underlined my low self esteem. They’re gone for good. A lot of the brakes I put on myself because of my abuse are starting to unravel.

  • Success means I hurt my mother
  • Going for what I want directly is rude and hurtful
  • Having peace at work and at home is not allowed
  • To be loved is an anathema

I’ve also not ate chocolate or tons of sugar in a week because I’m not “eating” away my problems. In fact I have trouble finishing my meals now. I don’t need to be emotionally eat anymore.

Releasing involves sneezing and yawning, then I feel a rush of cold energy filling the vacant space. It’s beautiful to witness real, permanent healing.

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#384

I did some yawning today myself. Thanks for explaining what might be going on. I don’t usually yawn much, so I actually remember it (which means–people noticed me yawning).

I literally just yawned. Wasn’t even paying attention…then…I did.

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#385

How’s that feel? Does it just not happen? Or is there like an interception that takes place where you decide not to engage in the harmful behaviors anymore?

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#386

@Fractal_Explorer It just doesn’t happen anymore. Trying to re-engage those behaviours doesn’t work anymore. Thoughts are different on the way that I think “why did I ever do that for the longest time?”

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#387

Sounds awesome. Glad to hear Phoenix is working out for you

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#388

Ascended Phoenix results:

  • Speaking my mind but not in an obnoxious way, just stating my opinions and not looking for agreement.
  • Still catc myself in people pleaser mode especially when called to stand up.
  • Still regress into child mode the second I get scolded by a woman over something - whether that be the partner or a strong woman colleague. That does needs to stop.
  • Do feel like the part that stands up for myself and speaking out gently developing.

On Phoenix

  • Phoenix works very quickly as a healing agent, breaking down everything that I cannot name and place (due to Complex PTSD) It seems to perform a factory reset on my mind to form me into a new person. It’s better than Regeneration and on par with DR: Limit Destroyer.

On Ascension

  • That leaves Ascension to finally work as a program to get me to feel better about myself as an individual. I do sense a growing sense of self respect, self love, confidence and it feels truer and more genuine than before. I feel like I can start to stand tall and proud. That might cause conflict with close ones who like me to stay as a weak male.

On reflection:
Phoenix got me to thinking about the time I spent in the past with female friends and that I willingly accepted a lot of beta male response behaviours and not being strong enough to leave them behind. Now I can look back on them now and tell myself at the time:

its ok, you got through the worst from home, you managed to attract some good looking women, but you weren’t ready - they never loved you, in fact they used you! But that’s ok, I was a weak male in the big wide world, now I’ll shape up, clean up house and get focused on my goals.

I’ve come a long way in two years - from being broke and forced to leave my home city to getting stronger calmer and wealthier. It’s all good.

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#389

So it seems I’ve slid into another bad relationship and I don’t feel great about it. I’ve done it again - another carbon copy bad relationship.

Just got wind of my work boss talking shit about me - I’ve said no and she’s taken it really badly. “No one will ever say no to me again”

My current relationship feels lopsided.

The snide remarks, feeling like I cannot do anything right, whilst trying my damnedest to please her (and not get into arguments). But I feel devalued, gaslit and like a naughty child.

I feel less of a man (and she tells me so).

Paradoxically I’ve never felt better about myself. Phoenix did a lot to destroy my deep fears about being alone and having the courage to go it alone. But having lost my independence I’m striving to get it again. I also need to know and trust my own mind - not be influenced (conned) by others who pretend to have my best interests at heart. (Ascension is helping here).

This is the only place I can vent about this because I don’t have a network I can trust.

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#390

Following on from the previous post, my Phoenix run is unlocking more of the Ascension traits:

  • More solidity and groundedness in mind, not being thrown by others perceptions (it’s going to be wrong anyway)

  • Not giving a fuck what others think about me, full stop.

  • For the first time knowing what I want to do with my life (earn more money, investing in savings, being frugal and creative).

  • Letting the relationship go through ebbs and flows, letting go of controlling the other person. My partner now gets horny quite quickly.

  • Making myself known if shit went down - staring to use boundaries and assertiveness, although rarely having to put anyone in place.

  • Starting to command my co-workers to do stuff and no blowback whatsoever.

  • Life is easier. Not much trauma/bad stuff left to deal with.

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#391

Had an interesting session with my therapist and most of my issue with confidence and assertiveness stems from being afraid of wielding my power, thinking that something catastrophic and tragic will happen. Not sure what but it is a big stumbling block. Imagine wanting to enforce boundaries and being scared to because a tragedy will unfold.

Also I’m getting dissed by the odd miserable fuck customers - usually by ones who have already decided to have an argument beforehand. That got me thinking about Day 18 of the Masterclass

One of the most common symptoms users experience while on an alpha/status subliminal is this sudden rise in disrespect towards them. “I’m supposed to increase my status, not get dissed by people!”

I kept thinking that Ascension wasn’t working because I don’t feel assertive towards these fuckwits and that i still needed ‘healing’. But what was going on is that these are challenges to my increasing status. I can’t see my status in the mirror but others can?

Maybe I need more time on Ascension as I’m not patient? The stuff I’m not noticing is stuff like:

  • Easier life
  • Happier, calmer missus
  • More money
  • Desire to earn more money
  • Enjoying my creative pursuits
  • Better wardrobe
  • More awareness
  • Others generally don’t mess with me

@ksub and others say up to a year on the subs for real change. Let’s see if is stick or twist (or the new Genesis: Ascension comes out)

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#392

It really depends on where you’re starting from. The old version of Emperor took two years to have a transformational effect on me because I was coming from a completely messed up emotional state.

I shared this before :point_down: :point_down:

I wasn’t going to go from -10 to where I am now just in a few months and the subs were not as good as they are now. We didn’t even have some the subs we have today.

Make Love Bomb and LBFH your best friends. When you’re filled with self-love, you’ll have no problem enforcing your boundaries. “I love myself too much to go through this”, “I deserve better than this” will be your mindset. From there, enforcing your boundaries becomes almost effortless.

EDIT:

@Michel : Give yourself time. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
I gave this example before: Imagine a guy who is a gross incel with no social skills, who is broke and who lives in his mother’s house. That guy isn’t going to start dating the type of women Leonardo DiCaprio is used to dating, overnight. I don’t care if he runs Wanted Black for two or three months. The guy might even go in deep reconciliation because the reality the sub is suggesting is way too different from the incel’s reality. That guy might try to stay on Love Bomb + LBFH + Phoenix for a whole year before even trying to run Wanted Black.

In a nutshell: GIVE YOURSELF TIME. YOUR LIFE IS NOT A SPRINT.

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#393

image

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#394

When you look at it like that…

That scale reminded me of when I was at my lowest ebb even a year ago when -8 was the norm. How times have changed, especially on Phoenix.

It’s also given me a bigger target to just continuing to listen to Ascension and letting my growth come through trial and error rather than being impatient.

@ksub you’ve basically distilled the issue at hand in a few sentences. I always thought boundaries were this difficult task that required heavy skill when it will come naturally.

To be fair, since that past life terror episode cleared, Ascension is now working as it should, building up my masculine energy. It’s frustrating using subs sometimes because you cannot see the results of the time put in but things like attracting mentors and counsellors *is" a part of Ascension. It will take time to get to the badass level, 2024 is the year.

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#395

I wrote this morning about a long-held feeling and belief that I am unprotected. I used to lean on a brother to do this, and he left home overnight, in my young teens. I’ve discounted LBFH’s ability of even capability to make such changes to my self-protective thinking

Well…wow, there wasn’t any love growing up. I didn’t look for or expect it. Which is why I’ve not looked for it in LBFH. Or rather, I was afraid of being hurt again if I opened my heart. (I did Phoenix this morning, so I’m open now).

I’m awaiting a reply from support regarding a Phoenix/LBFH custom. Because last week I took one day and listened to LBFH twice. I felt so high, in a fantastic way, and I continually chose good things for myself.

I’m still seeing my mind trying to sabotage me using it. I do have another loop available today, and it’ll be LBFH.

Thank you @ksub. Your belief in it caught my attention.

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#396

Enforced washout

Lots of recon and adjusting going on.

Things I’m noticing:

  • Being ok with not being liked.
  • Much less tolerant of other people.
  • Getting less naive about the workplace - almost PCC-like.
  • Getting thoroughly fed up of my line of work which is low vibe.
  • Wanting to make more money in a different work sector.
  • Wanting to excel in my art practice.

And the big one:

  • Standing up and speaking out!!!

Yep, not just sitting and taking the casual blaming, accusations and slight digs whilst being silent. My woman, who likes to try to make out that I’m stupid for some minor infraction (which is the usual girlfriend shit). Before I would just sit there and silently accept the shaming, freezing and not knowing what to say, now I’m speaking it back to her, calling her out on it and standing up for myself out loud.

How? May have something to do with LBFH (and therapy).

Learning about power and expressing it is still a life lesson I’m not quite mastering yet, but with small steps comes progress. I’ve been a beta for some time, so being assertive might get some aggressive pushback, however I’m prepared for it.

My stack is Ascension/LBFH/Phoenix

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#397

That’s an awesome combo.

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#398

Update

So I’ve been using alternative solutions for my lack of overall confidence which have been very successful and now I a starting to question myself on the next steps with these subs. The washout of Ascension had me on holiday walking with my head up, proud of who I am and withstanding the occasional dislike from others. I am liking myself a lot and my big pot stomach is getting smaller by the day.

So what now that my big confidence issue has been sorted?

Let’s get back to basics.

I’m going to run Genesis for a cycle and see what happens as I have no real need for being alpha (being myself is better anyway). Right now it’s a complete free hit to see what happens.

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#399

Still running Genesis!

Most of my issues with C-PTSD and trauma have gone :open_hands: thank God. A life long struggle to tread water is now over.

That does leave a problem. What to do next?

I’m well aware of the phenomenon of “post healing boredom”, where the fight to survive ends and the next door is waiting to open. But which door will it be?

With Genesis and healing I feel now that my long term dream path of being an artist has changed (and it’s actually felt like a lie), trying to make that dream fit because it’s a talent and a goal to become the world’s best™ (and getting insanely jealous of others successes when they surpass my efforts).

But deep inside that isn’t exactly the path.

There is something else.

Writing.

Wealth is making my way to me from words - speaking as a teacher, as leader and using words to mark papers. More is coming because of some divine arrangement that’s cleared the path for writing.

But I don’t identify with being a “writer”, I get bored reading books. But I can write pretty good. I have a talent for writing for prose by it’s mostly unacknowledged (trauma related).

So I’ll continue with Genesis but maybe add Ultimate Writer to the stack and see what happens…

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#400

What sub would you say contributed the most in helping you heal from c-ptsd and trauma?

#401

I felt the same when i healed (still not sure i healed completely but i healed mostly)

What now? Everything used to “excite” me (anxiety amd fear) but now it’s a little harder to get excitement

My dream was to become the world’s best fighter, i like it and im very good at it, im improving much faster than everyone else in my class, but do i really want to do it?

I came to realize that because of childhood trauma and being abused by my dad, i just wanted people to see me beat up other people so they know to not mess with me

But now, i don’t have such desire anymore, all i know that if im going to do something im going to do it for myself

Not to prove something to others and not because of trauma or because i was jealous of other fighters and great people who made history

Im happy to read someone that went through what i went through has got out of it

Good luck with the rest of your journey

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#402

Babies and bathwater.

Having gained wisdom, you’ve advanced to another level in your journey.

From some points of view, your journey has now truly begun.

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