A Northern Power (Not Nice)

Journals - Major Programs
#342

Swapped out the custom Ascension (with healing modules included) with the OG Ascension in preparation for the release of the Genesis revamp. I might just stick with it because the jump in force is phenomenal.

However was racially abused at work and it came as a shock, but not entirely surprised. I tried my best to stand my ground and appear “alpha” but it didn’t work. I felt like a failure and wanted to give up completely. Giving the details to the police I felt nervous yet resolute in wanting the person involved to face justice. No more waving it away, hoping it will disappear.

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#343

Sorry this happened, man.

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#344

I feel you :pray:

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#345

@Michel What have you experienced and gained so far from Ascension?

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#346

Negative Manifestation

Ascension attracted to me a drunk racist at work who called me a f***ing monkey when I refused to pay out a losing bet. I lost my shit and shouted back at the bastard. It started badly and ended up with the racial slur and the police called.

It also brought a blazing row with my partner who sent me an testy voice message. This time I was pretty annoyed at her, playing her voicemail back to her and confronting her about it. She then denied ever saying it. Ascension had me saying my piece with an angry assertiveness an reminded her that I was on her side and to ‘not push me away’.

I’ll attempt to rationalise these two incidents by saying they were brought to me from my subconscious mind to strengthen me up and to practice standing up for myself. The challenge was to face my darkest fears and to use my voice. It would be nice to have some kind of positive manifestation going on.

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#347

So far a lot of personal power and inner solidity that wasn’t there at the start of the current cycle. I struggle with “doormatitis”, assertiveness and putting myself first but this time something came along to provoke that which was within. Like a mini Emperor episode.

You only get to his point by setting a goal, choosing the right tool for the job and persevering with it for weeks on end, in my case 8 weeks/2 months of listening. Think of it as like gardening, the shoots end up sprouting after the groundwork has been done.

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#348

Genesis Ascension is coming :+1:

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#349

@RVconsultant @Ragnar thanks dudes appreciate it a lot :+1:

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#350

1/90 days

I’m distraught, I’ve essentially lost my home (rather my parents are selling up), a close friend has told me not to stay over anymore due to my inconsiderate attitude and now I feel like I’ve completely cut off from my home. Home is important to me and I feel like a crab without a shell.

I also feel like a failure, like I’ve hugely underachieved in life. I’ve sat around hoping someone would sweep in and change things for me for the better. Staying and taking abuse is one thing, but voluntarily staying put and not believing my own power and worth is shameful. I’ve wasted my 20s sitting around doing absolutely nothing and having a hopelessness mindset.

Ascension was nice to have as a confidence sub, but recent events have shook me to the core. I have no safety net left. This is it, I’m on my own and I have no idea about how to rebuild. I don’t even know the extent of who I am and how amazing I could be:

  • Without people pleasing
  • without other people’s agendas,
  • without staying quiet and
  • without keeping small

It’s a lot more foundational than that - it’s confidence. always been. Spinning my wheels again, looking for a solution. Ascension when it gets upgraded will be amazing but for now, I’m going 3 months with Genesis.

@fractal_explorer recommended Genesis for building his confidence and boundaries in the face of a difficult upbringing, which is super encouraging.

Genesis covers everything: money, romance, confidence, risk taking. Even now, playing Genesis got me from feeling distraught to steeling myself up, turning what would have been a devastating rejection into a determined rebirth turning point and a resolution to never, EVER again be subjected to another person’s whims.

I’ll stack it with Dragon Reborn: Limit Destroyer, which was successful for me as a healing agent, whilst crushing all of the limiting beliefs I was falsely fed, which are numerous. I need to remember that I was a victim of narcissistic parents.

I am an amazing human being.

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#351

That sounds really rough man. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. Parents have a job to do, raise their kids with the tools and self development to make it out in the world. Anyone who says no no, it’s up to the kid to learn, bullshit. Kids literally know nothing except the environment around them. Crappy environment = high chance of a crappy future life.

There’s taking responsibility for your situation, but that doesn’t negate the deficits early in life. And you’re doing what you can to right that in whatever way you can. Don’t shoulder that burden and criticize yourself for it, it was dropped on you like an unwanted weight. Having to clean up someone’s mess absolutely sucks, but it’s the highest form of self care we can give ourselves.

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#352

I have had similar things happen myself. You are strong and you will get through this

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#353

Ok so I think I’ve got a handle on what Genesis is all about, the level of self pride is much improved on before, and it all comes from within. I want to dress well, walk around and look good, even boss like but without carrying a stigma of “badness”. The only thing missing is that solid alpha masculine male type confidence to go with it.

I’ve realised that the “feeling orphaned” feeling from the crazy house situation is straight up manipulation tactics designed by my mother to mess with my head. She’s found my abandonment wound and is digging in. It is the worst feeling imaginable and my mother even as an adult.

In any case Genesis pushes me to face what I don’t want with the reassurance of success and the reward is good starter self confidence. :muscle:

@Fractal_Explorer @James thanks :+1:

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#354

Happy to help.

When you’re up to it I highly recommend the New Emperor

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#355

@Michel

Things might feel a bit grim right now.

I wish I had some wise words. The only thing I can think of is that in my own life, when I have times like these, my subconscious is my best friend.

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#356

@RVconsultant it’s always darkest before the dawn :sunrise_over_mountains:

As prompted by @James :muscle: the new Emperor had landed and am giving it a spin over the next couple of days along with the newly released LBFH. A few things have happened since:

  • self esteem, self love (whatever is called) is at an all time high, I can feel the divine love springing forth for myself first, then eventually out.

  • Emperor has me solid like a fucking cliff face, nothing within can shake it up except my own fear, which should have been neutralised by LBFH

  • much more ease in daily life

I’ve also stopped worrying about the games my family are playing with me; if it happens that my childhood home gets sold and all my possessions and memories gets dumped in the trash, I still have me and my artistic talents. Period.

If Ascension gets uploaded this week, I’ll try that later but Emperor has got me in a good place emotionally and mentally

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#357

This is me:

A little help: @answergroup @Skadoosh @subliminalguy @James @ksub @RVconsultant what would then be the idea sub/stack to combat this?

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#358

LBFH and Emperor

PCC when it’s updated or Ascension when it’s updated

A perfect stack for this would be LBFH, Ascension, and PCC.

Establishing boundaries is necessary

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#359

I’d say Regeneration + LBFH but don’t just rely on subs for something like that because there might a lot to unpack. See a therapist. Try Family Systems Therapy.

Or if there is a Deep PEAT practitioner close to where you live, try that.

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#360

It seems like the new Emperor and LBFH are working well for you. For that reason, I would say to stick with them.

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#361

I agree with @Skadoosh and @James. Both are very direct tools to eliminate the desperate cries of narcissistic parents.

Emperor breaks you away from that never-ending manipulation, and LBFH helps you love yourself like you’ve always wanted.

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