“We never had to take any of it seriously, did we?”
“No, we never had to.”
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I still have some work to do before I decide whether or not to make my “exit”.
I finished reading Atlas Shrugged last night, and was sad. Felt like I was grieving something.
Grief over the old me dying.
I’ve been doing lots of introspection and sub usage to help me kickstart that process.
My book tracker sent me an email today about a book to read. I had forgotten I set up “The Slight Edge” by Jeff Olson to start today. 22 pages per day, will finish it in a week or so.
It was a pleasant surprise getting that email, since it’s been so long since I set that tracker up with dates and stuff.
I’ve already read the Slight Edge 2-3x. It’s THAT good.
On another note, I shaved my head today. I think I did it last in Feb or March of 2025.
Cart Girl didn’t seem to fond of it then. It’s funny that when today I considered shaving it, my thoughts went to taking into consideration her preference.
Turns out I value her opinions about things, because of the love I feel for her. The Randian kind of love.
In fact, I mentioned to the wife sometime last year that, of everyone who works at that grocery store, there is only one person whose opinion of me matters to me at all.
Wife is realizing (I think) the true depths of that love, so I can’t hide behind this for much longer.
Even if Cart Girl never went for me (after I make a clean exit), I can’t see myself staying in this marriage forever. There was some stuff that happened last year re: wife which struck me right in the “disrespect” bone. Which is like the funny bone, but far less humerus.
There are other women (at the store and elsewhere) I could go for if Cart Girl isn’t interested. But she is the ONLY one I find myself thinking about every day regardless what else is going on in my life.
So I shaved my head. It will take several months for it to grow back to where it was. Since I need time to sort out a few things logistically to my liking, I made a deal with myself.
By the time my hair grows back to the length it was a few hours ago, I will have fixed a few core issues in my life.
I will allow myself the reward of telling her what needs to be told by then. Which means I’ll need to have sorted my finances, my identity as a Sovereign Producer (a la Hank Rearden), and be honest with the wife about where I’m headed in life.
The old part of me still hurts writing this out, but it has to be said.
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“A trader is a man who earns what he gets and does not give or take the undeserved.” - John Galt