Stared at it into the night
Just stared or also worked on it
I was checking stack traces from a sanitizer, if you know what that means.
Some good news from yesterday:
It’s not actually back, just being contested. So more of a glimmer of hope.
Being a bit ungrateful but tbh I don’t feel as much joy or relief as I thought I would, probably because I’m in the resignation acceptance phase. But mentally I’m thankful that the higher ups are doing something about it.
Learning 形意拳 has really fixed my anterior pelvic tilt.
Something new from KB2. Did a full loop, about an hour later, there’s an internal path of heat down my right leg to the sole.
I didn’t log this, but when I was doing the emotional expulsion thing on Alchemist 2, for the next few weeks there was a path of heat inside my left arm to my palm. It’s gone now, but now I have the same experience in my right leg. I have practised a visualization/energy exercise involving my legs maybe around 2019, but didn’t keep up with it and hadn’t had the feeling of heat from it before.
Somewhat emotional today without trigger, I assume it’s Emperor Black recon/shadow stuff.
Last year I remember flipping through some yellow-covered book about the shadow self at a bookstore, and it was pretty much “embrace your shadow because it’s not bad, so you can get rid of it because it’s bad”, “embrace selfishness to destroy it and become selfless for the greater good” kind of thing.
What I’m feeling now is more like the end of Love Bomb last March, when I accepted that I’m angry and I’m good with it. The thought of “healing away” my bitterness for faux positivity is repulsive. It’s not like trying to do that in the past was helpful.
I don’t know how going through this helps, as I can’t do much about it. Which raises the other problem of powerlessness. Even when good things come my way it’s not like I had much influence in it, so I’m kind of at the mercy of life’s whims. It’s frustrating.
But at least with my darker feelings, at present I feel comfortable indulging them.
Somewhat well drumming practice lifted mood.
Surge of narcissism tonight 
Nothing new from KB2 this week, ‘just’ the good warmth after listening. The right-leg heat thing is gone.
A lot of unpleasant dreams this week, which I assume to be Emperor Black.
Did a lot of walking this weekend, and sleeping when home. Caught up with an ex-colleague over the phone.
Last two dreams involve villains from dramas but new spinoffs from their perspectives which put them as the maligned ones against the mob. Given my social circumstances I guess there’s an EmpB effect in these.
Quite a bit of narcissism and contempt towards the office vermin today.
Frosthaven session went well, retired character. Increased but sporadic frequency of other board games this year too.
Resolving to tighten finances.
New kind of nightmare: Dreamed of trying hard to solve a riddle about ‘chickens in November’, woke up to realize it’s gibberish 
Thought while binge-watching a Taiwanese 八點檔 drama: when it comes to reading, watching shows, even listening to music, I tend to “skim-marathon” first, then if I enjoyed it overall, go back and revisit specific parts when I’m interested in them. Which can be much later, but when I do I’ll revisit that part a lot, and even go backwards. Same for my Tolkien reindulgence a few months back, other shows etc. I’m not really the type to full-attention the first part, break, full-attention the second part, etc.
This somewhat applies to my learning and work too - often I need the full if vague picture first, then as I get the hang of things get into the details, which I can do intimately if I’m interested. It’s not efficient, like my brain runs O(n^2) instead of O(n), but that’s my rhythm.
I wonder how this applies to subs in my case? Return to the first days of full loops? However, past experimentation suggests a 3-3.30min sweet spot, and if I want to go full-loop, it seems better to build up to it. I can’t “jump” to a specific focus unlike other things.
Really bad week in terms of foosball and office shenanigans.
Really good week in games? Pokemon Go while walking home the past 3 days gave 3 shinies and 3 4*s. There was the recent Frosthaven session too.
Also figured out a work-related technical thing.
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Watching a drama scene where the villains’ actions gets exposed and they wax incredible poetry to deflect the blame onto the protagonists.
Then remembering that that’s IRL, pretentiousness and sophistry seems like the way to thrive especially in these days. I hope I’m wrong in this regard.
But otherwise a quiet peaceful day. Caught myself slouching a lot, so something to rectify.
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Slept till 11.30am today 
Received some money from the government for having completed my reservist.
Got some practice in, then spent the rest of the day trying to figure out what goals I should prioritize.
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Last week of February cycle, then in March:
KB2 → KB3, running previous custom
Emperor Black → return to Stark Black, running just the title
A lot of good little things today:
- A lot of warmth
- Body felt unusually light and “well-greased”. I had to run around the building today, and climbed up the stairs every time I went up, probably 15 levels in total.
- Unusually good mood in the earlier half of the day, not like “less fell” but actually cheery. Helped that I only encountered the pleasant colleagues today
- Figured out a couple more technical stuff
- Loss in 2v2 foosball but it was an entertaining 9-10 with a lot of laughs, and unusual for me to do well offensively. Side note, I think my right hand has more power than my left now, with the drumming and foosball
Unfortunately, some foul strangers in the evening.
- Realized I was breathing through both nostrils on the walk home (unfortunately one is blocked again)
- Not today but, two shinies in PoGo on Sunday, two shinies and a 4* on Monday
- I didn’t log this before because I was unusually chill about it, but my old portable storage stopped working late January. Last weekend I decided to plug it back in and leave it there to see if it’d pick up. Came home tonight to see it alive.
This has been a really good day for some time. Thanks to the benevolences that made it so 