Holiday month → few people in office → very good, very productive.
Foosball improved after a poor few weeks. There’s the “trying too hard” thing again - when I stop caring I ironically play better (well, less worse).
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Thinking about Chimney Sweeper X, typed a long post pondering about two insecurities/traumas leading to hiding thoughts.
Ended up deleting it, ironically.
Reflecting that the new Limitless helps weaken the fear though, but I still haven’t resumed the custom.
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Feeling the ebb of energy, want to return to Khan Black.
Good time to reflect on how I’ve been covering the work of 3 people since August.
The silver lining is the other subteam and my supervisor see who’s working, but it’s not healthy and is my leadership failure. And if I rotate someone needs to take over my part.
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Last evening reflected a persistent problem:
- My sister suddenly asked me if I remembered some math syntax. Off the top of my head I thought “area formed by change-in-y and change-in-z, at a specific value of x”. But because I haven’t touched multivariate calculus for a long time and it was a physics context, I told her I didn’t know. Then went to dig for another example that confirmed that before I could answer her.
I have a lack of confidence in my own knowledge, worsened a formal-semantics-based need to be very precise. This is one insecurity leading to hiding thoughts and like above going “I don’t know”. This is something the difficult colleague likes to jab me with for as long as we’ve been in the same projects, admitting last January that he feels the “need to test” me.
On the other hand, it’s also good to be cautious:
- Positive: Related to above, my sister is more patient with me, so my followup with a visual to better explain was appreciated.
- Negative: Sometime in July I responded to someone “Yes Swift is dynamically-typed”… while my mind’s eye was holding the mental image of “var x: Int”. Derp.
- More derp: Last week I looked at the number 174 and said “seven one four”. Luckily I was muttering to myself, but it’s not the first time (this year?). Not just my mind’s parser, something’s wrong with my I/O especially in the later half of this year. It could be a lack of focus.
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Supposed to washout but felt meh this morning. Impulsively downloaded and listened to 3m30s of Khan Black 1 while on the bus. About two stops after that, started feeling physically good, arms warmer.
So the 2025 plan:
- ASBR-Limitless custom ,then reassess when Beyond Limitless comes out.
- Go through the stages of Khan Black again. Have a thought to interleave with Alchemist stages, but maybe keep it simple first.
From the KB1 listen this morning:
TMI
Perineum was hot throughout the day, in a good way, with the heat automatically moving around the pelvis sometimes.
Not a new thing while on KB/back when practising some exercises, but didn’t happen the past months off KB so highlighting it.
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Both back today.
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Strained my shoulder in the morning, painfully bunched up for about 3 hours. Decided to listen to Paragon for 3 min, instantly loosened up, ache still there but duller.
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Was reminded of the energy tax of Paragon.
But it’s a pleasant kind of tiredness, and possibly led to a good sleep.
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Starting 2025 with a washout. Then ASBR custom + KB1.
I think I can run KB just once a week, so maybe a third title.
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Today I still feel the energy and warm arms, but not to the extent of the “layer of warmth”, walked through a windy afternoon and felt it.
So about a week is right.
Full loop of Khan Black 1. No head denseness. Noticeable increase in warmth after an hour.
Very hard to track but I think my intuition’s slightly improved since the Alchemist run.
I haven’t been able to consciously rely on it though, the way others have experienced on the thread.
Comparing full-loop KB1’s effects the last few days, feel the increase in warmth but milder without the perineum heat flashes from the 3m30s run.
Just ran 15min of the ASBR custom without head denseness.
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A lot of self-questioning as to what I want to achieve, but unfortunately it’s a struggle finding answers.
Urge to learn something in my bucket list, blocked by reminders that most of what I pick up fade into obscurity anyway. So back to the age-old question, “what’s the point?”, which I still can’t address.
Rainy days here.
My KB results are pretty much feeling warmer and more energetic, which is important to me but probably unexciting to report 
No sexual insight etc
Since I can run the full loops without head denseness, I’ll keep with the full loops this week.
A day with a(nother) terrible bombshell.
I seem to keep manifesting failure, and if I take others’ words for it, failure that is “not your fault, life is just like that”.
Feels like the powers beyond are fucking me over for laughs.
What’s the point of working hard if I’m “rewarded” like this?
Bitter start to the year.
Maybe I should find another job, if I have the guts to quit the salary.