A human bean's journal

On the bus back I remembered while in primary school, one of my tuition teachers gave us the white-paper-black-dot moral lesson, we all know the “right answer” and except for one guy we each told her what she wanted to hear (“I see the dot”) so she could scold us for not seeing the white.

Another incident when I was 13 and watching two classmates argue and the edgy one snapped “Whatever you still have it better than kids in Africa”.

Thinking back that was how gratitude was taught.

Enumerated the things I should be grateful for in life, health, pay, not entering a coma and dying like last month’s funeral etc. It was just an enumeration. The only two that stirred emotion are my board games circle and my mother’s cooking (life path 6 hah).

Should I be feeling grateful for the others? I remember praying and thanking “the higher beings out there” after my uncle, mother and coach simultaneously fought cancer and my sister pregnancy complications. Today I’m thinking that if they exist then they had inflicted harm to make a point. Whereas my mother chided me last month for thanking her for making curry chicken, "自己人干嘛这么客气“, which ironically makes me feel more thankful.

It’s a slippery slope to take things for granted, but atm I can’t fake the high vibes. Maybe I’m a bad person after all.

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Today’s theme is dangling carrots I desire but they’re not for me, because I’m an aberration like Kafka’s Gregor and I should make my peace with that.

The carrot I don’t care about: Cleaning up my old phone, 7k in IBKR is 11k today. Very grateful much thanks.

有钱真的能使鬼推磨?

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Woke up to heavy rain till noon so took the day off, cleared Frosthaven solo quest, reread Books of Doom, watched random The Originals episodes.

Remembered BvS Lex Luthor’s “The bittersweet pain among men is having knowledge with no power, because that is paradoxical”. Is the difference between knowledge and information, that knowledge is useful information? Reading about helicopter damselflies isn’t much helpful.

Several mouth tears.

Reinstalled Heroes III and wasted spent the whole weekend trying out VCMI. It’s much less satisfying than working on scans or Pokemon decomp, but for now I have a ‘pet project’ again.

reddragon

Funnily there’re green/gold dragons for one of the ‘good’ factions and red/black dragons for one of the ‘bad’ ones. Wonder what a Dragon Reborn: Black would look like.

DRR 3min tonight.

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Had a good dream last night.

Morning: Reality goes out of its way to assert the reverse.

Always has been tbh. Difference since starting DRR is as if I’ve moved past bargaining into depression and acceptance.

But I think I’m building a negative belief if I accept the path dictated by a malevolent reality?

Afternoon: The opportunity I don’t have a choice

Odds are I’m rotating next year. My supervisor leaked to me that the vermin are NOT among the candidates.

The positives:

  • I don’t have to see the vermin. I can get out of this “prison flooding in sewage”.
  • Supervisor put a lot of words into telling me that those who rotate are those good enough to rotate (“won’t go there and throw face”). I’m supposedly still seen by higher ups as technically strong.

The negatives:

  • The definite worm in the apple: I rotate out when the colleague I work well with rotates back in.
  • Gossip and previous first person observation is that the office games there are worse. Given all the recent "out of the frying pan into the fire"s I’m paranoid that this cake is a lie.
    ** Told the above guy, saw the deleted “rip” before the “good for exposure!”. Yeah.
  • After everything I’m the one obliged to leave, again. The rats and their thirsting gods win, again.

A not-bitter post for a change. Reviewed experiences with subs and modules.

3m30s-45s seems to be close to the sweet spot for subs that I’ve listened to at least for a week. At 5min I think effects if any start diminishing but no tangible processing. 5m10s+ the processing usually sets in. Less than 3m seems to lead to recon, headache (<1m) and bad moods though.

Starting to develop a body timer for 5min, sometimes I get distracted and snap back around that time.

The few subs I’ve run over 1 cycle seem to peter out save KB4, and QL3 is the only other I feel I should have run over 1 cycle, although idk if I would have stagnated on that too.
Before joining this forum, I read a post here about alternating titles every cycle or two, sub1 → sub2 → sub1 etc. Can’t find it again though. Given the above and my tendency to subhop and general listlessness (Gemini Mars hah), maybe I should do that.

Noticed the Harmonic Singularity part of Synergy: Harmonic Conflux, shoulders have been less tense. Cannot speak for Stress Displacer part, naturally easily stressed.

Noticed the Health Codex part of Synergy: Preordained Vitality, maybe Serum X. Been taking light Vitamin C pastilles, received fish essence, looked into He Shou Wu. Cannot speak for the rest.

Noticed effects from Limiting People Remover but will leave that for bitter post.

Noticed Solitude starting to help out.

Noticed spontaneous “feel like doing pushups” moments since starting DRR.

Given my circumstances I probably have a mental blockage with manifestation modules, so stuff like Mind’s Eye and Jupiter aren’t good right now. Stuff like You Are Not Alone and Inner Circle may be pointless given my current perspective on manifestation and people, the staticity of my environments and that I’m likely rotating out next year.

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Back to the dark stuff.

On Tuesday I woke up in the middle of the night with:

  • Strong heart-anger. None of the painful head-anger mixed with misery and helplessness. I again felt vindicated in my spite.
  • Warmth throughout my whole body. The good kind of warmth, particularly pronounced and reached even my toes. KB helped my arms keep warm but this is the first time it’s gone to my feet.

Limiting People Remover/Fearsome - the last vermin to lurk near the foosball area now makes himself scarce. Although during the washout (no listen that Friday) he stuck his nose out again. In addition, another colleague started avoiding me. A now-rotated colleague had complained about him before, so I think it checks out. It didn’t lift my mood.

Caught myself on ‘feel-bad’ reflex about three times.

Finally finished one work project.

Today was told by another about a blatant ostracism stunt this one pulled on him recently. Yeah it checks out.

Crazy long dark dream about a traumatised detective who looks like the woman from The Glory pushed to nearly taking justice into her own hands.

Mood finally lifted, whether it sustains is yet to see. Feeling vindicated especially by knowing that I’m not the only one helps.

In other news, bonus is here, vacation on last week of July.

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Had a great night with similar-difficulties friend. Though we talked about negative stuff and idk if I rubbed her the wrong way (she went through something relatable recently, but unlike me she keeps a virtuous opinion of people).

Still really great night.

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Sick today. Blargh.

Hope you feel better soon!

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Bought Paragon Complete and got one of the fastest results I’ve had, esp considering it’s a first listen.

Been suffering a churning and bloated stomach, gas, diarrhea, first day had chills and muscle aches. Just drinking water provokes it.

Last night feeling very queasy after pills and porridge, on a whim got Paragon Complete and listened for 5min. Almost right after the queasiness stopped and hasn’t returned.

I still have bloat and burping, but those symptoms have noticeably diminished. Finally hungry today.

Gonna run just Paragon for the rest of the cycle and then washout.

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Stepped back into office and within four hours various people were telling me about the traps in my rotation if I don’t take action, and giving me various actions to take when the time comes… but I figured the other traps in taking those actions.

Either TWTP/DRR result/recon but the motivations behind everyone’s actions today seem obvious. What was that 40k saying? “He was not the man who brought the rasp; he was the rasp.”

Quite a lot of subtle malice from those not trying to get something. Met some new person who kept denigrating with the work-equivalent of “I also know cybersecurity, just run McAfee Antivirus”.

Somehow able to be cynically chill throughout.

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Figured I’d run one last run of DRR Stage 1 last night.

Nothing happened to me personally but today news, stories and witnessing things I feel like I’m solidly in the “acceptance” stage of my loss of faith in humanity and whatever other malevolence is out there.

There’s the morbid joke about the laws of thermodynamics:

  1. You can’t win the game
  2. You can’t break even
  3. You can’t quit*
  4. (0) You are in the game

*Well, heard about two other deaths in the past three days.

Just operate like a greedy algorithm from here on.

I’m sure this shift is not the intended effect of DRR but it is what it is.

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Watched The Accountant yesterday.

You’re different. Sooner or later, different scares people.

Alas I don’t have incredible skills to compensate for my social ineptitude.

May have had precon from DRR Stage 2.

Plan was to put Limitless back in after a month’s break, but recently I’ve been wondering do I really need it? If I can trust my supervisor’s words about my work prior to subs. Maybe resume after DRR?

I do need motivation, discipline and focus though.

Started Stage 2

dragonblood

Haven’t noticed effects. I don’t understand the differences between DRR’s stages as clearly as compared to KB or QL.

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Well this was interesting:

Type: Projector
Strategy: Wait for the Invitation (hah)
Inner Authority: Emotional - Solar Plexus
Definition: Split Definition
Profile: 5/1
Incarnation: Left Angle Cross of Migration (37/40 | 5/35)
Signature: Success
Not-Self Theme: Bitterness (HAH)
Digestion: Direct (oh)
Design Sense: Smell (huh)
Motivation: Guilt (hm true)
Perspective: Survival (paranoia intensifies)
Environment: Valleys

Projectors represent around 20% of the population in Human Design. Unlike Manifestors, Generators, and Manifesting Generators, Projectors don’t have defined Sacral Centers, which means they don’t have a consistent internal energy source for work and action. This fundamental difference significantly shapes the Projector’s life experience.

Checks out

Projectors are known for their deep wisdom and their ability to guide and direct others. They have a unique ability to see and understand others in a way that can bring clarity and insight. This can make them excellent advisors, coaches, or consultants. Their aura is focused and absorbing, allowing them to penetrate deeply into the other’s energy.

Doesn’t check out

While Generators are designed to respond and Manifestors to initiate, Projectors are here to wait for invitations and recognition. This is not about passivity but about aligning themselves with the correct opportunities and people who value their insights and guidance.

Waiting for the bridges I bought

As a Projector, understanding and accepting this waiting strategy can be challenging, especially in a world that values constant doing and initiating. However, when they honor their design, they can find themselves in the right places, with the right people, contributing their wisdom and making a real difference.

Am I not supposed to take action after all

For Projectors, seeking recognition from the outside can lead to frustration and bitterness. Instead, it’s about recognizing their value and worth, trusting their strategy, and allowing the right recognition to come to them.

First sentence checks out, second idkh

Being a Projector in a world that values constant doing and initiating can come with its challenges. Projectors may often feel pressure to do more, to keep up with the Generators and Manifesting Generators around them, or to initiate rather than wait for the invitation.

Checks out

As a 5/1 Projector, your 5th line represents your ability to universalize experiences or concepts. This means that you have a knack for making complex ideas relatable and understandable to a broad audience. You are often seen as someone who can shed light on problems or situations, offering solutions that cater to the needs of the collective.

Uh kinda but kinda not

On the other hand, the 1st line in your profile speaks to your innate investigative nature. You are inclined to dive deep into topics of interest, examining and exploring them thoroughly before forming an opinion or perspective. This investigative tendency is particularly important as it forms the foundation from which your 5th line universalizes.

Depends on the subject

A key characteristic of a 5/1 Projector is the natural aura of attractiveness you exude. The 5th line profile is often referred to as the “Heretic,” and individuals with this line in their profile are frequently the focus of attention and projection. People are naturally drawn to you and may attribute certain qualities or expectations onto you, whether or not they align with your true nature.

I wish

This can be both an advantage and a challenge. On the one hand, it can open doors and create opportunities that might not be available to others. On the other hand, it can place you under pressure to live up to the expectations that others project onto you. Balancing this dynamic is an essential part of your journey as a 5/1 Projector.

Checks out

One of the challenges that many 5/1 Projectors face is finding a sense of belonging. Your 5th line’s tendency to attract projections can sometimes make you feel like an outsider or misunderstood.

Checks out

However, finding your “tribe” – a group of people who understand and appreciate you for who you truly are – can be a powerful and healing experience.

One here, one there, life blocking everywhere

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Added back Limitless for 3min and had a weird recon(?), the inside of my brain has been ‘itching’ the whole day, right hemisphere, now left. Feels similar to past minor healing sensations.

FUCK BROADCOM

Thanks to whoever archived VMWare Communities pages on 21 November 2023