So what I am releasing at the moment is basically toxic shame.
It latches on to other mistakes I make as a fallible human being, and then locks me up in a prison cell of guilt, and paralyses me from resolving the situation with anxiety.
The medicine showed me one of my core fears - I was led to ask myself a question last night -
“What if that little inner child, and the wounded persona that grew around him - that fallible, imperfect human who sometimes makes mistakes - as we all do - what if he was judged, punished, or hated for who is he, or what he has one? What if he was abandoned, or rejected, or judged?”
Well, he would assume: I am a bad, rotten, terrible, evil human - I’m a liar, a sinner, and a coward - I’m a failure, weak, pathetic, unworthy, perverted, and terrible in every day. And everybody hates me. And I don’t even deserve sympathy, because I hate you too.
And then, to hide this perceived flaw, all the panicked thoughts, beliefs and patterns that arise…
“If only they knew”
“They must not know”
“I’ve got to be perect”
“I must not make mistakes”
“Nobody can ever see my shame, my inadequacies, my mistakes, my undesirable actions, my history, my past, my embarrasing secrets”
Because then if they know…
They would hate me, judge me, and reject me.
“Be perfect, or everyone will hate you”.
AND
I must also hide that I judge others, speak ill of others (usually out of pain, not malice).
Because if ‘they’ knew, then that would hurt them AND also remove my poor innocent victim role, to reveal that I too can be vicious, judgemental, aggressive, callous, deceitful, hateful, and nasty.
Maybe I am just an asshole, and have trouble owning that.
Maybe I’m terrified to admit I’m an asshole… so I must be perfect.
If they knew I was an asshole
then they’ll really hate me
cause I’m not giving them any love either.
So, yeah - this ceremony really knocked a chunk of psychic debris loose, and I found this destabilising.
I am observing how my behaviour is influenced by toxic shame and fear such that it leads to these utterly self-defeating cycles of avoidant behaviour.
I’m going to introduce the variable of safety, security, and patience to all of this.
I don’t need to “confess” my mistakes to someone I had an issue with last year yet. The obstacle is the path, and I need to use this triggering event to go within and do some healing. There is no practical difference in discussing this with them in a month or a year.
Speak to him about it, from the logical perspective, when the anxiety is manageable and definitely do not put yourself in harm’s way by indulging in an intense anxiety/guilt/shame driven breakdown compulsive confession fit.
Anyway,
I can see the factors at play here, and there is a need to build some containment and safety for everything I’m doing. This all reads slightly unhinged. So slow down, ground. This applies to my daily lifestyle, meditation practice, and subliminal usage. As there are some deep issues at play here such as toxic shame, now is not the time to be pushing things hard. Gentle meditation and bodywork. Sub use will be Emperor, Sanguine and Love Bomb - predominantly Sanguine. integrate before considering any more ceremonies.
