2024: Tale of Two Swords (Khan and Khan Black)

Journals - Major Programs
#21

OK, I made it through Christmas day.

I did well.

There was a lot going on within my thoughts and feelings.
My awareness would surf between whatever waves were going on within, and my external.

Had challenges from family on a couple minor things at times, and I held my own.
I have a little more dominant energy.

It’s like my traumatised state is in such a fight-fight-please-freeze response I had repressed my own feelings.
I was able to sink beyond that state into how do -I- feel in any given situation.

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#22

Like, damn.

Even 3 minutes of Khan for less-than-1 cycle is digging in and beginning some process of transformation. It feels alien, yet part of me.

My mind keeps going back to this story of being the ruler of a kingdom, but a traumatised ruler, whose kingdom is in disarray. And a stronger ruler from another land (Khan) is visiting, and we are beginning a diplomatic relationship. Khan is showing me what doesn’t work in my rulership, what is dysfunctional, what is oppressive to my people, etc.

Recon… reconciliation…
Don’t we all desire reconciliation with our long-abandoned parts?
Reconciliation with our boundless spirit and uncaged power?
Reconciliation with honesty, with ourselves, with our lives?

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#23

Hey mate your stack is fire and so is your journal. You are moving mountains right now just so you know.

I love that you take time with the stages minimum 4 months. This is really how you truly get the real fruits. I respect that approach. By the end of next year, you will be a different animal I tell you that.

Did you consider taking 2 to 3 days rest in between each listening day instead of one? I had personally better experience with it. It has less recon and gives more space for results to come.

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#24

Yo thanks a lot, I appreciate it. Enjoy reading yours too.

It’s hard to see progress from within sometimes, so I appreciate you sharing what you see.

I intro’d for a few months with Ascension, LBFH etc. but felt a calling to Khan early on. Like, why build my castle on top of sand? I need to tear the foundation down and build a new one.

It was great for getting use to sub exposure etc. but I’m glad I listened to my gut. And yeah, it’s a long-game, I’m not here for a magic bullet, I’m here to become the magic, and fundamental reality shifts don’t happen overnight (well, maybe if you take a ‘trip to Peru’, but that is a maybe-2025 thing if needed)

Re: rest days - I’ll keep that in mind as a tool in my arsenal for future. I feel (relatively) ok so far, obviously going through a transformational journey when coming from a dark place is never going to be easy, but it is manageable so far. The fact I get every weekend off, and 4-5 days off once every three weeks, seems good for now.

I’ll be gradually upping my listening times, once I reach that point of diminishing returns and/or recon comes in strong, I’ll definitely keep the tip in mind, thanks!

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#25

Im assuming you means lowering the time of listenings ?

And yes of course ! Please don’t think that there is little progress or none at all! You are changing really fast right now. Don’t let the mind trick you : )

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#26

I mean slowly upping the listening times, but cutting back and maintaining once I hit the optimal amount.

Today is the worst day this year.

Recon.
Got covid at christmas, can barely think straight.
so many family dynamics at play and I want to scream.

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#28

Cycle 1, Week 3, Day 3
KB1, K1, LBfH - 3 min each

Covid is persisting.

The painful realisation that one of my family members is actually very toxic and selfish.
They roped me into keeping a ‘secret’ of theirs that has now caused me harm, and has the potential to cause others in my family harm. I can only pray that everyone is well over the coming days.

Put into a situation where -I- am the one left mentally agonising over what to say, who to tell, over something that wasn’t my fault, and a secret that I never asked to be privy to.

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#29

I think I have developed an anxious-avoidant attachment style.

I avoid most people like the plague.

Like, life could be relatively ok, but people? Brings the worst.

I will probably keep this person’s secret, and pray others are okay in the coming days.
And I will distance this person from my life. I don’t need to call out his disrespect, but I will withdraw. Doesn’t get my good caring attentive self anymore.

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#30

Cycle 1, Week 3, Day 4 - Rest Day

On washout now until next week (Jan 1st)

Making some progress through the situation.

Firstly, I spoke to a removed/detached mentor/therapist of mine for much needed advice.

Then took action, and overcame the biggest hurdle with 90% honesty.

I’m still not entirely happy with myself, and not happy much at all with a certain person.

But enough relief now to breathe, and know that at a fundamental level I have done the right thing, even if not perfectly.

Hoping the other hurdles I can navigate skillfully over the coming days, and forgive the rest.

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#31

When you start to realise you’d allowed your entire identity to become limited to misery just so that a miserable sibling wouldn’t be alone in their misery

#32

Cycle 2, Week 1

So far have listened to the following:
Monday - KB1 5 min, K1 5 min
Wednesday - KB1 5 min, K1 15 min

I’m still recovering from covid so my energy and productivity have been pretty low.

Despite this, I’ve been able to take care of my basics, and get some work done on my website. But by evening I’m exhausted.

I’m not sure what to report on the sub front yet. Khan is digging into the fears and old story.

My order of MMA gear arrived, so I’ll be ready to get back to Muay Thai once I’m healthy again

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#33

Cycle 2, Week 1, Day 5
KB1 5 min, LBFH 5 min, K1 5 min

The man within is not built up through ego.
The man within is not a mental construct built to accommodate society.

He deals in truth, philosophy, intuition and reason.
He doesn’t play into illusion. He forgives his wayward mind a thousand times a day, but doesn’t care to stay lost within it.

What worth are his actions, if not grounded in reality, enlivened with spirit?

What is the purpose?
‘Get a girlfriend, make money’
These are not purposes in and of themself.
They are goals, they are something to fill the canvas of life.
Yes, to be a father, to pass his spirit on beyond his own life-span.
Yes, to develop within himself valuable qualities that can be passed on to future generations for the benefit of life on earth.
Yes, financial strength to build that stability. These are good goals. But purpose?

The ‘J’ of the ego, wants women for his own fulfillment, wants money, wants this and that experience.
But it is that state of feeling separate that he seeks to overcome with the outside, using the world to fill his hunger. It’s a hungry ghost.

Not pretending to have all the answers, just reflecting on where Khan and a lot of meditation are leading me.

Basically, the solution to my life isn’t in building my ego up. It’s about truth, awareness, intention.

What point is there in being alpha of the jungle, when one is kept to the realm of beasts?

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#34

I think Khan is helping me to identify the man I wish to be.

For me, it’s not about fitting in with society, it’s not about contorting myself to succeed in a culture I’m at odds with, it’s not about just getting a girlfriend, or getting money.

It’s about stepping outside of my old limits of perception, wherever they have been imposed from.

Getting honest.

So here… is some transformational ground…
Hm

What I am expressing is a desire to live less from my anxious, disconnected child psychology, that is seeking a pacifier from outside to soothe his fear.

What I am expressing is a desire to live in reality, grounded.

Where masculinity is not a societal construct, or an SMV race of insanity. (Though doing things to improve value is a fine way to spend time, so why not).
But where it is lived, and experienced, as an ongoing relationship with truth and with life.

Word salad, maybe. Just letting Khan do its thing while I freestyle.

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#35

Had a very vibrant, interesting dream.

Some kind of crazy neon houseparty.
Lots of social fun, actual enjoyment.

Realised for myself how jerking off is so depleting to my energy and masculine oomph.
Start Angion on Tuesday, so going to NoFap alongside.

#36

Cycle 2, Week 2, Day 1
KB1 6 min, K1 5 min

Khan Black feels smooth.
It’s like water, it runs through a dammed up river, breaking up detritus and allowing a greater ‘flow’.
It’s like earth, pulling my energy into the ground, keeping me rooted.
It’s like fire, light, illuminating and empowering.
It’s like aether, unchanging, blissful, silent.

Truly cool.
Khan is like… inner power.

Started this morning with subs, followed my meditation. Fell into a blissful space. In fact, my twice daily meditations have been getting steadier lately. Sometimes there is emotional pain that has to be worked through, but often I am settling into a peaceful, collected state of mind, and the relief from being in fight-or-flight is welcome.

First gym session since covid, felt great to go back. I think this is also one of the first times Khan has had a chance to manifest itself. I could feel a greater degree of ‘IDGAF’, and sense of masculine presence.

Another guy at the gym struck up a conversatoin with me about training, that hasn’t happened before.
Had a brief respectful exchange with one of the larger guys there, too.

Housemates moved onto my fridge space, I didn’t feel any drama, I just moved their shit off and replaced it with my shopping. Up to them what they do to adjust.

Crazy dreams again. Something to do with moving out of a house. Some family involvement as they were waiting in the van for me to finish packing. Had a lot of dreams involving homes, house-parties, and family recently.

One thing that has come to mind recently is that I need to learn about my boundaries. My old habit in child mode is to people-please, or just ignore uncomfortable situations. This leads to me becoming reclusive and avoidant so that I do not experience the anxiety of interacting with family.

I’ve also had some days of high neediness towards a woman. I love her. I want to clear my neediness, and be more and more a better man. Ideally she will fall for me. It feels good to go into the wish fulfilled with her.

Though it points to “I’ll never find another woman like her, with the qualities she has, who turns me on so much, who shares so many interests as me.” kind of thoughts. I want this one.

Scarcity thinking, perhaps. Or just honouring my feelings.

Return to centredness now. Shower, work, meditation, and some hangout time with friends tonight. Peace.

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#37

Cycle 2, Week 2, Day 2
Rest day

Khan came in like a wreeecckkinnng ball.

Sat for meditation today and started having kriyas that turned into shaking, crying and groaning.

There’s this gut-level, way-way-down, repressed wildman that’s screaming “I’m fucking awesome”.
That could say “I am sexy” and feel it congruently.

Kinda contrary to my repressive conditioning, but damn, there was power in there. Liquid fire.
Welcoming in this part of me and integrating it is going to be a wild ride.

Freaking wild.

Angion

Had my first angion session today.
Did a few kegels, then meditative reverse kegels, then hopped in the pump for 10 minutes.
Will update with progress over time.

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#38

Oh, and something about…

Turn anxiety into excitement.
Turn anger into self-belief.

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#39

Cycle 2, Week 2, Day 3
KB1 6min, K1 5 min

Woke early at 6:30 and listened to the subs, fell asleep again until 10am!!

Had a challenging and disturbing dream related to the goals of KB, that I am still processing.

Got some work done but I’m super tired today, and have been resting since mid-afternoon.

Got a few situations that have triggered some anxiety, that I need to work through by taking action in the coming days.

On a positive note, I discovered a really cool App/program I’ll be running to assist with the goals of Khan Black. I’ll write more later.

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#40

Cycle 2, Week 2, Day 3 - Rest day

Slept a long time again.

More crazy dreams of a sexual nature, this one bought some resolution to the previous night’s dream.

Morning meditation was smooth, evening one was more emotionally turbulent.

Did a small amount of work.

Took some action on the anxieties mentioned before.

And, had a really great session with Angion method and Mindgasm.

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#41

Oh, and I saw a cute girl on a meditation app (local).
And without thinking, sent her a friend request. Had thoughts like “Oh, you are nice, get in my life” and it happened automatically lol.

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