Day 13
Phoenix custom last night
I woke up to play my Emperor loop. And when I loaded VLC, it offered to resume playing my Phoenix custom. Being eager to listen, I played it.
Not until almost 3 whole minutes played did I realize I wasn’t playing Emperor. I do 3 minute loops.
I’ve never done this, but I’m considering doing Emperor midday.
I just don’t want to bring on extra recon. Is this wise?
Edit. I’ll likely do 1 minute midday
Wow. Today’s still brewing in my head.
Accidental 2nd loop of Phoenix this morning. 3 minutes of Emperor midday. I saw something in my head today, and I’m unsure if I’ll see it again.
Suddenly, I imagined a part of me exactly like I’ve not been: he was unowned by other’s opinions completely. This happened in 3 seconds maybe, and he’s remembered. His intention was clear. No bs’ing, no constantly “trying” to be good enough for others’ acceptance. None of that. Part of this got into me, because I didn’t try to hang onto it like I normally do.
I also didn’t check the forum all day. I finally did when I got home. I read @Michel’s latest post…and damn I recognized my struggle in his words: trying to be “in control”—but seeing clear evidence of a sub executing when I don’t feel in control. I felt a despair knowing I still try to control outcomes, probably missing so much going on around me. And today, having too much exposure running in my head, I felt out of my normal control. I’ve felt a continual push to let some emotion go, and I had a tiny, welcome release during my lunchtime.
I did feel resilience digging in. I felt pressured to perform and achieve at work (me doing this to myself)–and that’s when I had that quick vision of myself. Me in that imagination wasn’t trying to do shit—but he got loads of attention. He just wasn’t playing games to get people’s attention. To me, that’s why he got so much.
That’s an ultimate letting go, to me.
Day 14
Phoenix tonight
Do I have value?
I woke up thinking that, feeling good about the answer.
I’ve had 2 realities since starting Phoenix. One is full of fear and completely filled with self-doubt. The other one was like yesterday. An unfamiliar though desired part of me. Unpretentious. Not expecting anything.
The second part I desire. But it’s growth, not just installation. It’s acceptance of me ← that’s a bridge to cross.
At this moment, I don’t know what to do. And I’m feeling ok about that. Feels like LB is working on me now.
I just realized something. I’ve been insecure a lot lately at work and around others since I’m not using the same mentality, the same tools, to handle life.
I’ve been using fear my entire life to direct me. And lately, I just known I felt without the same pair of crutches I’ve been using all my life. I feel forgetful. Very very forgetful, as I don’t have my ready to go choices available. I didn’t realize fear was my ready to go choice most of the time.
I’m heading into work now. Feeling a bit of sadness admitting this. I’m losing the me that I’ve always known.
I had a very good day–and I have no reason for it. I just felt good.
I realized this as I drove into my driveway. Many times in recent months, I’d arrive home and give way to negative feelings and beliefs. Stuff like “I’m alone” or “I’m not really wanted or loved”.
That didn’t hit me when I drove up to my place.
That’s significant. I DIDN’T EARN THAT TODAY. I JUST FELT GOOD!
Day 15
Phoenix last night
Emperor just now
3 minute loops
30 minutes ago I woke feeling ecstatic. I felt so free. No shame, no fear, no guilt.
This freedom is what I’ve sought all these years.
My mind is still looking for old patterns. Looking for loopholes. Yet I feel good.
This is awesome 
Day 16
Unsure about Phoenix tonight
Emperor tomorrow morning
Something is shifting rapidly. It started last night.
I overheated working outside yesterday, and my balance was shaky, even this morning. I considered calling out, and that’s when I felt different. I’ll give a short backstory first.
I grew up with mother who had been traumatized, and the very restrictions she gave herself she also gave all her children. She told us ‘no’ constantly. What I’m realizing is that ‘no’ has been my default response internally.
I only know that since I usually feel very conflicted about being good to myself. Even small decisions, like buying a 25 cent candy, is usually met with an unclear jumble of feelings. ‘No’ has been running every part of my life.
Back to my story. I was pleasantly surprised to find that iron barricade called ‘no’… was not there when I considered calling out.
I was allowed to relax. To breathe. To be me. I actually went to work because I didn’t feel restricted and conflicted internally.
I rarely rarely rarely allow myself freedom. I usually lock into some ritual and play a role with clear, narrow boundaries.
I don’t listen to myself a lot. Most of the time I’m focused on what you want, what you need, and worse, what I should do or not do to earn your attention. Life has sucked. There’s been no room for me.
But I’m (both afraid and excited by this)… trying to step down from this. Like a part of me is trying to wiggle through the iron barricade.
And another clear awareness showed up when I got home from work. My housemate has a cute, demanding Jack Russell terrier, and I go into nice guy mentality often with him since he’s always seeking scraps of food.
I didn’t realize this until I’d arrived in my room–but I completely ignored him when I stepped in the front door. That’s a first. Usually I feel guilty just looking in his eyes. I did give him a little attention later. But I was aware of the state I normally give in to, and it wasn’t comfortable.
So, something’s changing.
I’m still feeling a lot of processing, so I’m going to skip listening tonight. I am considering doing 2 rest days for a while, but I’m not sure yet. I just know every weekend I have amazing awarenesses show up, as I only do loops MWF. That’s why I’m considering it.
Early Friday morning
I shut myself off when I write now. I fell into this habit years back since I found some success here. I parked in that spot and have intentionally ignored it since I was afraid of being abandoned. I actually abandoned myself.
Phoenix is shaking everything up.
I just miss enjoying writing.
Connecting with words.
Being real.
Being honest.
I miss trusting people.
I miss trusting myself.
Life was simple. Can I have that?
Immediately went to the thought “am I allowed to?”
Time to heal. So many revelations popping up.
Day 17
Emperor this morning
Phoenix custom 30 minutes ago
I’m not sure why, but I’ve been feeling a lot of stuck grief today. And it’s only painful when it’s stuck. It feels stuck now…but I just remembered something that happened just hours ago. I got ANGRY, which is uncommon in my life.
I got mad because I felt like I was failing completing ludicrous work assignments today. I felt like a failure–which means I believed my bosses and coworkers were withdrawing their love (my childhood thinking there).
And I imagined acting as an adult and challenging the inefficient strategy we’re using. Because nothing happened like it was “supposed” to. Not one thing.
I got unexpectedly pissed when I returned to the yard, having completed only a fraction of my assigned work. I saw my main coworker, he asked me if I’d completed my task, and I answered honestly: I hadn’t gotten one thing done that he’d assigned me. —I’d been doing 2 different manager’s tasks, and that’s what hadn’t worked at all for me.
My coworker didn’t even look me in the eye. He just shook his head and walked away . FUCK him. That pissed me off…and it wasn’t usual anger for me. It was sadness with a different face. Anger and hurt. Mirrors of past pain. Feeling unworthy of another person’s love…thinking they “should” love me. (Again, childhood beliefs).
This 2nd rest day for Phoenix did a lot in me today, uncomfortably. I wasn’t high on Emperor steam. I felt remorse moreso, like I was actively saying goodbye to something.
ALSO…I’m just realizing this–I’ve not been able to suppress my pain or emotions so much today. I like staying hidden, being honest. I just felt like I …didn’t WANT to hide it today. That’s… new.
Day 18
Phoenix custom last night
Phoenix custom tomorrow night
I wanted to write, to express myself, so I’m doing it now. I’ve been home all day hiding out, and I’m seeing something that I’ve not fully experienced before.
I’m not very comfortable in my normal hideouts like movies and junk food.
I haven’t been uncomfortable a lot today. I’ve watched a couple of movies, some YT videos, and I’ve been buying some cryptos as prices are falling. Then, maybe 30 minutes ago, I had a desire to do some responsible stuff: laundry, taking out trash, normal stuff to do on weekends.
And being honest with myself, my escapes aren’t all so attractive. I love a good romance or emotional movie…but I’ve used them for a clear reason: to block life out. I realized this and have started looking around my room. I’m not wanting to “clean clean clean!!” or bullshit like that…yet, but I’m noticing Phoenix changing my fears of outside or people to–sounds like the sales page now–to fuel my desires to go out. Little joy and life is found in isolation. That’s definitely new thinking.
Most of my avoidance of such common circumstances and people have been due to a fear of rejection. That’s the imagined fear I relive regularly, every time I’m prepping to go out. I think Phoenix is hitting this at last, as this is something I’ve endured all my life. And now, I’m not even doing my normal mental “prepping”, meaning isolating my attention to do just what needs doing. I’m actually a little scattered since I’m not locking down my attention.
Looking back on this past 2 weeks, “scattered thinking” was very common. Now I’m not seeing just X and having to hide from fears. I’m seeing A, B, and C too without fears hijacking me. I think Emperor is helping me with the mental discipline to stay focused as best I can. …but A, B, and C were attractive since they weren’t wrapped up in fear, like I’d done day in and day out with X. A, B, and C were much more attractive to me these last two weeks.
Before this I used emotion, fear specifically, to guide everyday actions. And living without it owning me is a whole new set of challenges. It’s a good problem to have, being honest. I’m slowly getting used to it. And that may have been why I felt a sense of loss a lot this week. My norm–fear–hasn’t been whipping me every day.
I’m just filling in the blanks now, little by little. I’m just so used to that feeling, every single day. Some subtle recon is evident now.
Something else I want to report involves my main coworker, a former manager of another company, who I’ve painted as an ass numerous times. I did so last night.
I’d turned my phone off last night, my norm. When I turned it on around 8 this morning, he’d texted me to see if I was coming in to work today. Instead of ignoring him, after a minute I replied, saying I wasn’t coming in.
I picked up my phone maybe an hour later, and he’d shared something I didn’t know. Yesterday, he’d accidentally hit his head hard while loading his work truck. He hadn’t told me, and I thought he was being an ass yesterday by …(seemingly) rejecting me since I’d not got his requests accomplished. It pissed me off.
But this morning, I was the one who saw him needing compassion. He literally blanked out some activities and conversations we’d had yesterday morning, so he asked me via text. I shared what he’d done and what he’d expected me to do, also including why I hadn’t completed it.
It just hits me in my gut. Like he…needed me. That touched me. He normally pushes himself non-stop, unapologetically. I didn’t feel like I was talking with the same character I’ve experienced a lot. It was refreshing. Challenging too.
Love Bomb is in my Phoenix custom, and it’s softening me. So is Phoenix, with the emotional intelligence scripting. I sensed him needing understanding, and even acceptance of his perceived failing. And I felt willing to give it to him.
I guess real life, with real emotion and reactions, can start at any time. This was a good experience for me.
Day 19
Phoenix custom hours ago
Emperor tomorrow morning
Subject to change??? I don’t think so.
I’ve been on the DR Regeneration discussion page today (pre-release) and Saint confirmed that it had a mechanism for helping people feel safe–and that’s what I’ve been seeking/desiring as long as I’ve been around recovery tools and environments (30+ years).
I also admitted the resilience scripting in both Emperor and Phoenix is affecting me. It keeps me focused on my emotional goal, which is to allow myself to heal.
My struggle—my old “follow the crowd” motive to gain acceptance–is being faced by Phoenix right now. Seriously, I’ve sidelined myself thousands of times for this acceptance.
Which is why I’m not going to start Regeneration after my washout. I’m going to do a 2nd cycle of Phoenix to allow it to shine. It works beautifully. It builds me up. And I’d rather learn a sub’s value from sticking with it longer. I actually own maybe 20+ SC subs, and a dozen or so I’ve either never used or used very, very shortly.
I’m going to stick with Phoenix for now. (I ask myself “why?” now)
Because I AM feeling slightly safer not battling conflicting emotions non-stop. Phoenix is a beautiful, powerful sub.
Regeneration will have it’s time. Not yet.
Day 20
Early morning. 2AM
Can’t sleep
I’m afraid to fail
I have a manager who, frankly, I don’t like. I’ve been in this imagined confrontation with him for 30 minutes in my head.
Because he shows some of the same self-beliefs that I carry. I’ve been irritated by him lately since… he’s been projecting those beliefs onto me.
I learned years back that the only people I get angry at are people who mirror how I treat myself… and I don’t want to see it.
I’ve been dodging, evading, and running from failure my entire existence. I hide to avoid the shame I feel when even imagining it. That’s why I avoid women. I failed loving my mother enough. That’s a kid’s thinking. But I imagine that when women get close. It’s my “reason” I don’t date.
I wanted her to love me. So I tried to earn her love. And nothing ever came from it. I just wanted her love. She wouldn’t allow it. And life has been a freefall, feeling hopeless, me hoping someone will catch me.
I just feel helpless when I imagine that. Which is why I avoid avoid avoid love with women. I’ve tried to protect my heart… and it’s been hurting me.
That’s the reason I hide in a mental fantasy land.
I’m just tired of living there.
Day 20
5:43AM
No Emperor this morning. Phoenix is working my memories unlike it’s done before.
I have to share something. The trauma, beliefs, and feelings I avoid like the plague is that I’m alone.
That’s my trauma. Mom was around physically, but emotionally, not at all. I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I went inside. I just couldn’t ask for help. I equated asking her for help with being rejected.
This is hitting home. I usually swallow it. Gotta go to work now
Day 20
7:20PM
No loops today. Tomorrow’s day 21, so I’m likely going to do both.
I’m actually…giddy/excited! I’m FEELING change in me.
Last night, I had a very in-depth exposure to roots of the pain I’ve carried all my life. I woke up around 2, would drift in and out of sleep–but I kept seeing and feeling childhood times. I saw my mom, I felt she wasn’t there for me, and…I couldn’t/didn’t blink out of it. I felt it more than I usually allow myself to.
What is really really, really really strange for me is I’ll look back at it now, 18 hours later…but some of the sting is gone. That sting, that internal scream of fear I’ve run from…is kind of attracting me now. What I mean is…(this is a 54 yo man owning his younger beliefs)…that what I’ve been absolutely and completely terrified of is being seen completely differently!
Before it was a dark room of shame, pain, and sadness guarded by anger. A loss I never got over. This was how I was living. This, and not much else. Life was really small. Very limited. Hedged in by fears day after day.
Now I’m seeing a well-lit room. White curtains being blown through open windows. There’s light inside and out. There’s hope. There’s even…joy. Two completely different worlds.
This is unreal.
I’m a little overwhelmed by this, in a positive way.
Washout day 1
Emperor yesterday morning
Phoenix last night
I’m feeling hopeful, and that’s not something I usually pair with healing subs. Seriously, I listened last night, and part of me is craving more this morning. It’s been a long time since I last remember experiencing that, but it was on an early version of DR. I remember sharing it in my journal, and Saint telling me that following that desire could lead to bad recon.
I never followed the urge, and I don’t have plans to now. I just haven’t felt that pull from a sub in a very long time.
This admission comes since yes, I often equate healing subs with… kicking your own ass.
Phoenix is doing something unexpected in me.
Washout day 2
Awarenesses showing themselves this morning.
I’m seeing a growing tension between old ways and new thinking. Yesterday I was getting frustrated by my GPS giving bad directions–and I saw the connection.
I was realizing I’m usually blocking and fearing change–and my GPS was a mirror of my own choices. Doing shit that intentionally doesn’t work. In a rageful mindset, I imagined tossing things that symbolized me fighting success… for a while. But enough grief surfaced.
Those imagined manifestations showed me that a deeper work is underway. I could throw shit out left and right.
But am I tending to the roots, what’s actually leading me to fuck things up daily?
And I’m actually questioning myself throughout this writing.
Am I really just defending myself fucking things up?
A part of me definitely has been. And that’s why there’s tension. Phoenix is at work, challenging this repeatedly. Consistently. I’m feeling waves of grief letting things go. This is changing me.
My biggest job? Allowing it.
Good washout so far.
Still washout day 2
Something came to mind maybe 30 minutes ago. I’m on a 4 day weekend, taking paid time off, so I’ve been home all day. No outside challenges. But plenty of work going on internally. I’ve felt it, and I have looked for it all day.
About 30 minutes ago, partway through a movie, I stood up, and my mind woke up. In my head I heard and felt something I’ve never felt before. I quickly felt where I was at, I felt the adult part of me trying to be heard, but a wounded kid was, and is, still leading daily choices.
In my head I felt an adult part of me say, rather honestly, “what the hell are we doing here?” Like he could see all available choices, and he was frustrated with the choices I’ve made. I didn’t feel shamed. This was me, and he was certain to get me out of my mess.
My mess: figuratively and in real life.
If my outsides reflect my insides, I’ve been making intentional choices to remain in chaos. I’ve lived here at this place over a year, and it looks like I’m still moving in. Most of my stuff is still scattered in boxes and bins. Not a “restful” place. I just sleep (and hide) here.
Relationships: my brother, the one I was left by when I was younger, texted me last night. FACT: we only text during holidays and birthdays. And he contacted me during washout (really!!!) , to share a YT video which reminded him of a fight he pushed me into when I was maybe 10. I critiqued him (pushing him away) in my head. I didn’t reply…partly since I don’t want to lie emotionally to him. Or lie to myself. (I’m trying to numb my awareness of how I feel)—did I just say that? That’s how I’ve done with him all these years.
But my choice reflects old wounds I’ve been carrying: “don’t reach out, don’t respond…he’ll probably hurt me.”
That’s exactly how I treat others, male and female. I usually…keep my wall up. Lonely AF.
And taking risks at work: nada. Zilch. I’ve been employed by my company for 7 years, and I’m making no stretches to do more. A few people have asked me about it this past week, so I’ve been wondering what I’m doing. Or WHY I’m doing this.
REASON: In every choice, in every relationship, I’m still trying…(don’t want to share this…but I do)…I’m trying to not repeat or be reminded of old wounds. The ones I’ve been coddling and protecting all of my life.
I’m usually bsing, trying to look good. Look sharp. FACT: I don’t know what is happening, where I’m going, or who I’ll be. I think I’m in the middle of “letting go” of old beliefs.
This is opposite of how I normally live (“look good, look strong”, all that). No fucking clue what’s next. Presently, my “guard my awareness” filter isn’t working. It’s made up of fantasies and false realities as I look forward. Presently, it feels disabled.
So, did I get that right?
You moved out of this shared house with the old guy?
Was that during your time away from the forum?
And congrats to this massive development 
Yeah, you got that right. I moved out over a year back. I enjoyed the guy (from a distance) but him needing to control everything worked against me. I’m living with a former home health aid of his. He’d told me about the room being open one day, and I took it.