1st loop today at morning
The first thoughts where that it is OK to be fully Masculine, it’s mighty and healthy
I had allways fear to realy be Masculine do to my fathers way of being.
I feel very good and stable afterwards
The moment I left my home magic happened, I saw and felt that in order to feel always this good the child has to die ( not the healthy part of course)
Fear was gone, nervousness non existend and a stability that frightened me to step in, so I did it anyway.
And everpresent feeling of I am enough, no need to show something to somebody just enjoy this in stillness but full of power experience of myself
It was so different that people get out my way and women just shown subconsciously interest in me
In the evening I was going into the river and maybe after 40 min I made a break and told myself that too much is too much (. I smoked hash before going in) then I sat there and instead the slightly angry internal dialog I have when I quit too early it had the quality of ironwilled goodness towards myself. I just asked lovingly but with power behind love lf I want to look sexy
I nooded and then I explained to myself that this is the price to pay, so I jumped back in for 30 min.
Then at 7 (still at the river) I attended a zoom meeting that dealt with lack of father figures and the power you can’t access if there is a fundamental problem in your Masculinity
I smoked extra another one to realy get uncomfortable in this meeting but to my surprise I was calm, able to experience every pain there is with a sense of : I rise above everything that pains me. Then after realy asking myself what topics with Masculinity and my father are realy hindering my progress in life the answer came immediately
The answer was just pain in my chest the rest I had already done, so I let it come forward and quickly I started to do a healing technique. I lost the attention to the meeting, I was allready actively healing and 20 minutes later I felt how love flows under this ugly wound and start to heal.
The whole time I was present, powerful, mighty and willing to do what needs to be done.
I left the meeting and jumped back into the river, I felt like I have risen out of my childlike avoidance patterns.
I saw a women I liked and for the first time I wanted to fuck her unapologetically.
10 seconds later I felt fear around the topic of sex but I just started to laugh a little an assure myself that Sexuality is good and not bad
So in this area I have work to do.
I made a fireplace with stones at the river because I need to do something that makes sense.
Then I did another 15 min in the river.
I drove home and cooked for 1 hour a super tasty sauce with pasta.
Have eaten and sit now with a cigarette on my balkony enjoying the cool wind on my body.
Some random thoughts
There is more in this sub, I feel it and saw it.
The combination wit ST1 Earth seems like a perfect synergy
This is a foundation sub for me.
What a fantastic sub and luck I have to expirience this
Thank you Subliminalclub
The whole day I have this song in mind because I feel like that, so I post It here
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