That is definitely true, and she resists change of any kind.
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Something has been bothering me for a while, but I’ve been lothe to write about it. It came up a bit in another discussion so it probably bears mentioning.
Since starting DE, I have lost all physical attraction for my wife. It had been waning for a while before that because she has stopped doing anything remotely active after her diagnosis, and her physical coordination has gone out the window. This is different though.
I still feel a sex drive, but for the last few weeks, I’ve had absolutely zero interest in doing anything with her. -
I’ve felt good and energized all day today. Mood is good, thoughts are positive.
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After thinking about my lack of attraction for my wife for another day, I think that part of it is that I’m just feeling kind of detached in general. Not in a bad way really, I’m just focused on working on myself at the moment, and just not connecting with the world outside of my own head as much as I usually do.
This is ok for now. I was actually expecting this effect on stage one and two. -
My wife reports that Paragon is improving her sleep markedly and that she is feeling better throughout the day. I haven’t had the chance to get into detail about it with her yet, but when I said “so there has been some improvement?” She responded with “I’d say a lot of improvement.”.
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- I’m getting the euphoria effect while running my loops again. Supreme good mood, and I’m finding a lot of things a lot funnier than I otherwise would.
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- I didn’t get a job I was in for. It’s the same field that I’ve been trying for for years. Not my first rejection, nor my twentieth. I didn’t even get invited to test this time. I think that with my two OJT failures, the writing is on the wall for that, and I probably should have read it a while ago.
That thought doesn’t cause me the distress that it used to, but it does leave me feeling lost.
The thing is that I now have no idea where to go from here. My current job is a dead end, and I have no idea what other field to go into.
Maybe I don’t need to know now. Maybe if I keep working on myself, I will find a way when I’ve made sufficient progress. Perhaps that’s why this isn’t more distressing to me than it is.
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I was thinking of buying RICH when I saw it, but now is not the time. I need very badly to bring in more money, but I have a feeling that until DR gets enough repair work done, it wouldn’t do any good. My intuition or some damn thing is telling me that I’m on the right path and just need to keep on it for a while longer no matter how things look at the moment.
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A little insight just popped into my head.
I decided on my professional path when I was with ex #4, (the really bad one) and still had an unhealthy fixation with #3. I was by some very immature mental process trying to get over her by getting into that field. My thought process is a little unclear to me on that, but I focused my obsession on that rather than on #3. The result wasn’t good, but I suppose that reaching for that brass ring did give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Matter of fact it also kept me thinking about something external and not facing my own personal issues. -
Actually I know exactly what I was doing with that. I was seeking external validation for a sense of self worth. When #3 rejected me, (not to mention #1 and #2) I took it as a direct reflection of my value. IE that I had none. So at that point I decided (obviously I wasn’t directly thinking these things) to give up on trying to get validation from love, and get it from a career that I saw as noble and worthy. I wasn’t ready for that.
I seem to have healed something related to #3 because I rarely think about her this last year or so, and when I do theres no pain.
This also means that I got into the relationship with both #4 and my wife when I wasn’t anywhere near ready for a healthy adult relationship.
I just kind of got pulled into both relationships because they had feelings for me and weren’t going to reject me and make me think I had no worth. I didn’t have strong feelings for either one of them in the beginning. I do deeply care for my wife now, but in the beginning I just went along. -
I am seeing a bigger picture now. It’s all been one long chain of events. I didn’t get validation from my parents, or at school so I sought it in love relationships, and failed to find it. Then I gave up on that without resolving the issue and looked for it in a career. Of course, I didn’t feel worthy or capable of getting that feeling of worth, so I subconsciously prevented myself from succeeding above a certain low level with that too.
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Today’s DR lesson was brought to you by the letters S E E K YOUR SELF ESTEEM FROM WITHIN. And there’s another one of my mental blocks brought to light.
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- A bit of fear and frustration regarding our financial situation came up today, but it might have been pointing me at some action to take.
We want to get out of the metro school district before we have to send our kid to school. Our financial situation won’t allow us to buy a house, and I’m barely able to support us on my income alone. We’re stuck. It just hit me how sick and tired I am of being stuck. It hit me that I’m going to have to take some pretty drastic action in order to break out of this place. I’m not sure what that action is going to be, but we’ve got to do something. The only idea I have is to sell the house and rent for a year while using the proceeds from the house sale to pay off the debt that’s killing us. That’s a whole lot of trouble, and maybe there’s a better option, but I have to get on doing something right now. This struggling to just barely keep our heads above water needs to end, and it’s not going to if I just sit here and keep doing it.
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This sounds like a kind of realism and willingness that is progress to come too.
I have to catch up on your whole journal, but have you noticed anything specific from Debt Annihilator or Kronos key?
Not specifically. There’s something different with my sense of time, but I can’t really put my finger on it. I got a huge hit with Debt Annihilator months ago, but as of this moment, we still have more bills than income.
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I can’t say lack it for mine, but I definitely want other women too. It’s a weird mental space for me.
I would find it really strange to only want one woman. I’ve never been monogamous by nature. It’s a pretty alien concept to me, and I’ve seriously resented it when it’s been expected of me. Thats nothing new. The difference is that while I’m physically horny sometimes, I don’t really have an urge to do anything about it. Not with her, and I’m currently not exposed to enough women to know if it’s universal or not.
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- I had not been planning to stack this one with anything, but I was reading some other journals where people were talking about how impressed they were with Inner Circle.
I have two reasons for wanting to do that. First off, we are going to need some kind of help improving our financial situation, and meeting just the right person or people could be just what the doctor ordered.
Second, my life is socially boring. I interact with my family and have brief interactions with maybe five other people a week. I could use some more interesting people in my life.
I’ve always seen myself as a loner, and maybe I’m starting to figure that maybe I don’t need to be a quite that solitary anymore.
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Great!
Great!
Agreed. same boat. I’m a total homebody but even I’m like “When can we go out again!?”
That is definitely part of running Dragon Reborn. I feel that way often myself.
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I was thinking about this as I was replying to another journal how we just carry so much shit in our lives that isn’t our own. Expectations, obligations, guilt, whatever that to become detached from it emotionally you feel like someone else or that it all happened in another lifetime or universe
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I feel more like I’m just a step off reality. Like I can watch and analyze a little more, and I’m effected less. Not fully detached from it though.
WOW! WHOA! THAT IS FUCKING INSIGHTFUL
I think I just had a 
I think you nailed it dude!
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Definitely!