Yes, I’m okay with using the word ‘spiritual’. It’s a kind of placeholder for a whole bunch of different things. I haven’t found a more satisfying word yet. So, I still just use ‘spiritual’ half the time.
a long story, made short
I was born into a herd of Christians. Seventh-Day Adventists. So, no pork, no Saturday morning cartoons. No TV from Friday Sunset to Saturday Sunset.
That was childhood. One good part about that was experiencing the power of ritual and the weight of collective belief. As many know, collective, consensual reality really does impact all of the constructs (time, space, etc.)
Had lots of questions. Dad was a lover of thinking and debate. So, the intellect still got some food , thank goodness.
Believed it all/when I was small
Thought ‘if this is true, I want to meet the angels and the prophets. I mean if they 're right about this stuff, then what else matters?’ Yes, that kind of kid.
Found an American ‘Eastern spirituality’ book when I was a kid of about 10(?) maybe 12. By Richard HIttleman. He taught yoga exercises, including what I now know is sometimes called Kasina meditation (one version of which involves staring at a candle flame). Thought, ‘this seems to be the way to actually verify what they (religion) are talking about’. Tried asanas and meditations over and over again. Was not a natural as far as skill; but was a natural in terms of motivation.
Teenage years - questioned more and more. Kept meditating haphazardly. was behaviorally obedient, but intellectually kind of an a**hole. Challenged more and more as time passed. Didn’t like the supposed answers.
Lots of poetry. Drawn to Daoist philosophy and symbols.
Goal in life at 16: to be a prophet and holistic healer.
College - tried and failed to (intellectually) locate the definitive historical Jesus. Finally deconstructed/gave up on religion of childhood. But then had an intense OBE and thought, ‘uh…was that god?’ Jury was out (and hasn’t really returned to date).
over the years, meditated, learned qigong and taijiquan and other practices, studied and practiced Buddhism/Daoism/miscellaneous. Fetishized and idealized so-called enlightenment.
At the same time, continually investigated bodymind and implications of consciousness. Gregory Bateson made a big difference. Secular models of spirituality.
Dropped it all for a while. “Am I just using so-called spiritual practices as an escape from my repressed emotional/psychological pain?” “Maybe all of my narratives and thinking are just lying bullshit” And moved through various other orientations (that were all still basically spiritual, though I didn’t quite recognize that).
Series of awakenings and anti-awakenings in the mid- to late-90s. Hormone- and developmental stage-related?

either way, took some of the piss out of me. thank goodness.
noticed that: “hey, that’s interesting! I don’t actually know anything.”
rediscovered zen/chan.
so-called enlightenment, recontextualized. Not fun shit. Also, not terrible shit. It is what it is. Relax and practice (if you want to).
Enlightenment reveals everyone’s value, not just mine. Also, reveals that you were actually already fine where you were, pre-enlightenment. The only difference is, now you know it.
practiced. didn’t practice.
married, children were born. More piss taken out of me. as a result, humanity now .0000000000000067% improved.
Take the Path Seriously. Do Not Take Myself Seriously.
學海. Ocean of learning: It’s pretty Big.
what else?
somewhere in the early 00s, mind blown by the ontological implications of empathy and empathic imagination. Each person’s experience, a Cosmos. Can only encounter this vastness to the degree that you get over self a little bit. (Still working on that).
Bunch of other stuff.
late 00’s. encounter Daniel Ingram and Kenneth Folk’s pragmatic Dharma movement. early 00s: Encounter Shinzen Young’s crystal clear Vipassana and Meditation explanations. Ken Wilber also in there somewhere. Appreciate and study all of them. Follow none of them. Not because they’re not awesome, but just because mind and path go where they will.
human beings are higher primates
need, collectively, to fucking relax
but…probably not going to
what else?
Continually encounter more and more amazing ideas, perspectives, practices, and people. Magick. Jung. Subliminals. and more.
and so on, and so on, and so on.
which brings me to today…
Sitting at this white table typing on this grey keyboard. Looking outside at grey sky.
Planet flying fast (67000 mph). Feels like it’s standing still. Is because we’re dumb. And luckily dumb, since much more reality than that is kind of overwhelming, for the most part.
108 billion homo sapiens sapiens born so far in history of species. ~7.3 billion alive now.
still, experienced deaths of too many loved ones in past years. Don’t like it. Not looking forward to own. Is coming anyway. (spoiler alert).
Life: fucking excellent. Value while have it.
Grateful.
Learning.
journey continues…
(oh, and, somewhere in there, read the Kybalion)