I finally understood it.
The most impactful change i’ve had from 2 years of using SC.
When I look back at it, it’s pretty clear:
Selflessness.
This might be the biggest realization i’ve had so far, second only to when i learned how to just observe.
The more the sub draws me to be more selfless, the more it seems to bring the most improvement.
It’s clear now that i looked back at my favorite subs that are not “boosters”, LBFH & HeO. Both are about selflessness. They are also subs that i can stick to the easiest.
The more i become selfless, the easier i can pursue my selfish goals. As contradictory as it is, it seems like 1 theme that holds true even throughout all this time.
This explains a lot.
I think it is balancing my selfishness.
All i did was for myself, but the subs showed me the value of selflessness, which in turn gives me more capacity to pursue even more selfish goals.
Selfishness through selflessness.
Either through healthy attachment that LBFH showed me, or the adherence to the virtues & mastery from HeO.
I believe this is what i actually need to learn from subs, not necessarily the love & virtue, but the selflessness behind them.
This is why i seemed to lose grasp of HeO’s effects when i took a break from it.
This is why i felt like i’m done with LBFH’s goals after a year of using it.
I failed to comprehend the essence behind what drives me to adhere to the virtues, but i managed to subconsciously understood it with LBFH.
It is what i need and what i unknowingly crave for all this time.
Isn’t the manifestation too strong?
What led me to this realization was just as absurd.
But it took me more than 2 years to come to this, so maybe this one is a late bloomer instead, lol.
Now that I read this again, isn’t this what I’ve been saying for the past 2 years?
Yet I wasn’t aware of it.
It’s the depth of the knowledge, sometimes i can’t put it into words.
Or more like, words can’t really convey what it is.
Well, isn’t that also what I said about the fulfilment from the virtues?
It’s something that I can’t put into words, and even if I could, I wouldn’t be able to convey the understanding behind it.