Vanno's Gaming Mastery X Journal

[Lion]

I can understand your concern for being emphatic because am very much the same. I am an INFJ personality type which is being an empath on steroids .

But the idea of being alpha is these days taken to be bossy or arrogant. Being alpha really means being a leader, being a success and going after what you want (among many other things). Else SubClub wouldn’t make a subliminal if the meaning of being Alpha is being a tyrant.

Anyways a better way to decide is to read the sales pages of Ascension and Godlike Masculinity. The subs also bend to your vision of what you want it to do for you. In my case, I grew more of a backbone without losing my kindness.

All the best whatever you choose!

[Vanno]

Yo fellow INFJ, I’m one too!

I think the definitions of being alpha are kinda messed up nowadays. Definitely gonna read more into ascension and godlike masculinity, but I’ll wait a bit as I think I still wanna run this sub alone and add stuff to it after a minimum time of 1-2 months, currently I’m about 13 days into it.

One night (already months ago) I had a nightmare where I was bossy, manipulative and a control freak to the people I love, ending up smashing a glass wall into pieces.
I’m aware that I also have those potentials in me, if I become really unhealthy in a certain way, that those behaviours will get brought to reality, not only in my mind. However this only happens if this whole thing reaches an unhealthy spectrum, which I wanna avoid.

It’s fascinating that the subs bend to one’s own vision, I didn’t know that before, obviously then one sub can have different outcomes depending on the person, but all about the same topic and in the same/similar direction.

[Lion]

@Vanno - haha that’s crazy. You an INFJ too? Excellent!

You can also check out @HappyHero ‘s journals. He’ s another INFJ over here so you can get a different perspective on all this too.

But yes, we can get different outcomes based on our goals.

I agree that it would be best to stick to one sub at a time. It will help with focus and your current goals. And when it is really entrenched inside you after a couple of months, it would be a nice idea of add to it with other subs.

[Vanno]

I’ve read his journals a bit and the transformation specifically when it comes to social situations is pretty inspiring. It ain’t the focus of what I’m currently using a sub for, but always fascinating to read about progress, the writer’s new insights and experience with a sub in a journal.

[Vanno]

Help,… does listening to subs enhance the cause of anxiety/panic (attacks)?

My progress has been fine, I’m also mentally really motivated, but I get those random moments, where everything gets out of control. It’s unpredictable and doesn’t have one cause or isn’t bound to one specific situation. Maybe it’s not the fault of the subs though, as I’ve been prone to panic and anxiety a lot throughout my life, but it seems more intense in the last 2 months.

[Lion]

@Vanno - it’s perfectly okay to get anxiety or panic attacks once in a while. The subs are working on your subconcious and while it is “housecleaning” your mind, such feelings are just removing your unwanted programming and putting in better ones.

[Vanno]

Update ~ 1 month of GMX

It seems as if some major issues have been resolved like my identity problems. Many people in the tournament’s community respect me as a player now due to my skill, I proved quite a few people wrong. Sure there are always those people who judge you without looking at your gameplay, just because of your looks/gender/age/etc. but I don’t care anymore, which is really relieving.

I already competed last split in that amateur tournament too (the new split has just started), and I went from being one of the worst mid laners (my role in the game) in my division/bracket last split, to one of the best this split, according to other people’s observations and estimations.

It was and is still unbelievable for me how much help I’ve gotten. I’ve received coaching sessions from people of the community unconditionally, and the team that I’m part of has been supportive the whole time.

My main coach identified that the major issue is, that my performance is heavily fluctuating and dependent on my mental state and confidence, saying that I can even beat the best players if I’m mentally at the top, but I can also be one of the worst if I feel too scared and therefore not being proactive at all.
This is still a problem that I’m currently resolving. However the first match series of this split was a success and I was capable of remaining calm. Being able to predict lots of plays, and even bounced back from a game where we were far behind at the start.

Important note: No, it was not easy… it was not easy at all. It still is and won’t be easy. Dozens of frustrations, pain, sadness, mental booms, crushing defeats… all led me to where I am now and hopefully this program continues working for me.
Yes, I’ve had doubt about this quite a few times, but in retrospective, things changed. They don’t seem like too much (yet), but I’ll definitely keep going and am curious to where it will lead me.

I’ve taken action daily so far, sometimes more, other times less. My health got worse due to me being anxious very often and eating less thus weakening my immune system. Trying to recover now as I’m writing this. No matter your goal don’t neglect your health too much.

[Elme]

Going to follow your journal… i was a professional Counter Srtike Player since the beta to 1.6. When my bisiness is on his full potential i might go back to professional gaming. Cheering up on your conquests!!

[Vanno]

Thanks a lot Elme! There’s still a long road ahead for me, but I’m enjoying the journey! Good luck for your business!

[Vanno]

Lately went through a rough time. Issues have been building up to the point where it all collapsed.

In scrims (practice matches vs other teams) I lost my self-control and left the voice chat of my team, because I got tilted from my poor performance. The following week the same happened again. My mental got progressively worse to the point where it became worrying for my coach and my team mates. The reasons for my poor mental are mainly too high expectations of myself, pressure to perform well in the tournament and fear of not improving fast enough - an incredible, self-destructive obsession.

However, my view of how i perceive my own gameplay is warped, as I do perform better than I actually think, even if I’m having a bad game. The more I tried to fix my mental issues, the more they seemed to fight back. I panicked thinking that those issues want me to suffer and ruin everything.

After each outbreak I felt sick on the following day, which led to me practicing and studying less, while feeling really weak.

Today my coach told me that he has prepared a substitute for my position, if I’m not mentally ready for the games. I knew that these consequences were coming due to my terrible actions towards my team in those scrims, regardless of being the best player on the team according to him. Nonetheless, I felt awful when thinking of getting replaced if I don’t fix my mentality.

Additionally my relationship with my partner has been falling apart due to several reasons (no, gaming is not one of the reasons xD we both love gaming), and today we decided to end it, but still staying in contact as friends, which hopefully works out. I’ve read so many journals on this site which include a break-up. Now mine is one of them, I wonder if the sub had an influence on that. It’s painful and I cried today, but I believe it’s the better change for both of us.

The pain but also a new feeling of freedom, not having to keep up with a relationship, and be able to focus more on my mental + physical health instead, provided me with some perspective and hope. I am more relaxed and slightly less angry about my mistakes. I still need to observe how my mentality develops in the near future, I think it’s going upwards again after having hit rock bottom. Currently I’m reading ‘The Mental Game of Poker’ by Jared Tendler. It relates a lot to Gaming and I use it as a tool to understand myself better and based on that, resolve some of my mental blocks.

[Vanno]

Haven’t posted here in a while, but I’ve written something down on some days, so I decided to just put them out there in the following posts, while being in the queue for my next game. Furthermore I changed my listening schedule after I read the official recommendations on how many loops to listen to concerning single titles. Now I’m running 1-6 loops from monday to friday and have the weekend as my off days.

[Vanno]

7.8.2020

Back now to my natural form - the lone wolf!
Listened to some pleasant music, did some journaling, self-reflection and meditated. I also took the time to cook a delicious and healthy meal. The peace I’ve felt was really special and made me realize that I’ve neglected self-care a lot.

[Vanno]

8.8.2020

Polar opposite of the day before. Felt depressed and lonely, which is usually rare for me, but it makes sense after the break-up and missed chance to reunite with my friends again after half a year, due to my fever and weak immune system.
Laziness and fatigue took over, but a little reminder of WHY I gotta practice and work on myself fueled my fire. Those goals, both big and small, plus the fun rivalry between the players in the community got me out of my tired/exhausted state. Just giving myself a small task for my training can get me started, which is the most important thing to get out of a slump.

On the other hand, self-care helps me get rid of my toxic emotional state and to return to rationality faster. When I’m in a calm state, learning and reflecting becomes easier too.
I’m not a fan of too much routine in life, but sometimes I need them to maintain good physical/mental health and thus they seem fundamental on my journey. Maybe I’m late with learning the lesson, but rather late than never.

[Vanno]

9.8.2020

“Destroy then improve”, quoting my favourite character in league but it’s true, I have to break bad habits of mine first to establish better growth, both in game, but also personally.

I’ve spent lots of the day dealing with my worries by doing research on them in all various fields including music performance, sports, finances… it’s all connected and it’s up to the spectator to recognize the connections and patterns.

[Vanno]

12.8.2020

Why does it irritate me when people overrate me? Is it because I hate disappointing anyone, regardless of how well I know these people?
On the side, why do I feel awful when people think my skills are atrocious? It’s contradictory and I don’t understand it.

Performance ≠ Self-Worth
After a crushing defeat it’s important for me to remember that. Just gotta keep taking action, going for a walk to release some of the stress. Gotta keep pushing myself, enjoying the ride, though avoid judging and beating myself up too much.
I can have peace and strive to improve at the same time. No need to sacrifice one for the other.

[khan]

Overrate? What do you mean by this?

[Vanno]

Some people would rate me pretty high in the tournament that I’m participating, even higher than some other tournament participants who are straight better than me (based on my experience playing vs them plus having watched other games of them). Issue is that I don’t have the best consistency, and the people who have only seen those games were I performed well and thus expecting a lot, don’t know how poorly I can play. The bad performances of mine are bottom tier of all players. Therefore I wouldn’t rate myself that high, rather in the middle due to that inconsistency.
It actually shouldn’t bother me though to be honest.

[SubliminalUser]

Pretty cool to see a journal on this as not many even have this sub.

[Floridianninja]

An awesome custom sub for this would be gaming mastery with QLQ, hand eye coordination, mastermind, mind’s eye, and maybe some others.

[Vanno]

Yeah, I actually was searching for a gaming mastery x journal, but if I remember correctly I only found two on this site. So I decided to post my own journal here.