Ultima Test Stage 1 Edit: Stage 2


#1

Day 1: Ultima Test A

I paused My stack of AEGISQ and StarkQ that i have been running since May, for the test.

Test Pattern: 1 loop, 2 hours gap, 2 Loops back to back.

  • I have had the usual PMO triggers fired, but somehow as soon as the triggers came, the desire to go on with PMO just sbusided.

  • I pulled myself out of procrastination and started studying for my last exam. It was done quite effortlessly. I’m just breezing across the lectures. last few days i spent my energy on social self help stuff.

  • I have a desire to go over to a relatives place. Even though I know that the act of going will lower my status (because they never visit my home), I have this confidence that my interactions will raise my status.


#2

Day 1 update 2.

I feel like the track stops on the right side first. (Haven’t checked by replaying the track)


#3

Looking forward to your experiences with this Hydra experiment.


#4

Update 3
I have usually have had a mellt down everytime i have had to change my plan mid way, before reaching the end.

This was evident when i first started my SubClub Journey with khan!

Today i stopped StarkQ to Do this Ultima Test before my starkq stopping schedule. (that too in my exam season),
but I still seem to have my shit together.

Usually when I would change mid way, I would have a feeling of incompleteness and missing out that made me lose my behaviour and act impulsivly.

But this time around, the feeling isn’t there.

This impulsive behaviour has been a fundemental part of my characteristic that has haunted me all my life.
But i don’t seem to feel it today.


#5

Ready to tattoo a skull with tentacles across your chest?


#6

I was just on my way to get it done! :open_mouth: :open_mouth:


#7

Day 1 Final Update

I’ve been very calm an relaxed all day. Goodnight


#8

Goodnight :slightly_smiling_face:


#9

image


#10

Day 2: Ultima Test B

Not worrying for what could have or what should have. Just being content with “what is” right now. And paitently waiting to let things clear out.

Being constantly reminded of the last interaction i had with my father. And how i regret not having a proper final interaction with my father. (this is the only could have that is bothering me. It is too emotional)


#11

Day 2 Update 2

Decided to do a little free writing without thinking for 3 mins while on my second loo of ULTIMA B

I have been having an increased desire togo meet people. It is corona virus ane I have to stay home but fortunately i have my extended familiy members who live in the same buliding. I have to finish studying for my last exam. I have the last topic left, I am uncertain what i am gonna do after my exams end, i feel sort of cluless about direction of life. I blame my mom for my position, but deep down i know it is my fault for not having the correct focus at the right time. the worst thing i do is PMo, I think that has derailed my focus alot.


#12

If memory serves me, this seems to be something that came up with previous subs right?


#13

His death happed all of a sudden. I was in shock. The previous episodes happened while in shock. THis time the feeling was more “having the event sunk in”… may be just coincidence


#14

Day 3: Ultima A

I have had a late start to the day, and I will start my day journal with some 1 min free writing while putting on ULTIMA A

start:
I am so excited to be taking part in this experiment. but i wonder what thescripting in this sub is. i have no idea what it is and thus i can’t take action in the inended direction. but i am trying to be more social within the confienmnet of lockdown. i am lucky to live with a closely knitted. however i can also sense the brewing competitveness among the individual families. I feel like now my ded being gone, me and my mom are the lowest status in the family, but it is up to me to change that.


#15

Day 3: Part 2

An Interesting Obsevation: Today (while listening to A), I am more keen on updating my experience journal from time to time.
However,
Yesterday, while on B, I felt least bothered to update the journal. But Made a minimum post as part of my duty.

For reasons, I am having to cover 8 weeks of study in three days.

Usually when I face a situation like this, I feel anxiety and I furhter procrastinate (Like, I give up)

But Last three days I have been so grounded and in tune with whats needs to get done!

However, I haven’t really been able to tell a difference between A & B yet apart from the desire to journal.


#16

Day 3: Part 3

So when i have exam season, I avoid public interactions and stay by myself, even though i wouldn’t necessarily spend that time studying. It’s more like i use the exam study as an excuse to avoid people. I had 2 exams before the upcoming exam.
But even on stark Q, i reapeated the habit.
On Ultima A Day 1, I surprisingly broke out of this habit, went out of my flat and spent time with people. (Around 3 hours of my first loop)

On Ultima B Day 2, I was back into the isolation habit, but i had more time spent in productivity than procrastinating.

On Ultima A Day 3, I again broke out of the habit and went out of my flat


#17

Day 3: Part 4

A Free Writing Letter to My Inner Loser

Dear Inner Loser,

I know you have been protecting me all my life. However i am independant of you help anymore. In the past i was Weak, I was Naive, I couldn’t stand my grown, i was easily manipulated. That is when i needed help from you. But that part of me has changed. Now i want to step into to the unknown. I want to take more risks. I want to step out of my omfort zone. I want to go to places where I have never been. I would Request you to leave me.

Thank you!

Edit: I know I am ready for anything that comes my way


#18

Day 4 Ultima B

So, days on A have been more organized than Days on B


#19

Would you be open to consider a different approach/mind set?


#20

Any day!! What do you have in mind?