Very long self-introspection and dream report incoming:
I got an RoD name embed with Synergy: 42. I typically like to stand by and let whatever dreams come naturally unfold and reserve creating only for when I’m napping and don’t have as much to process. That changed after my second listening day when I immediately started ping ponging with the dream, it gave me an environment and imagery, and I myself chose what I did within it, as well as how I’d interact with the people. It works best when I’m slightly awake, so napping still feels like the best way to induce them for now, although lately I’ve been able to choose and overall direction before falling asleep and the dream will follow suit.
The actual dreams have been pretty interesting. Some confronting old ways of living and the me now being considered immoral to that past me. Almost a recurring theme? I keep being put in environments with people I’d honestly rather not be in. It’s like I’m being forced to reread a page in a book and I keep glazing over and skimming it no matter what. An interesting pattern is that almost every night from the past two weeks, the first dream involves me being held to some harsh expectations or doing some borderline impossible task. From having to put my entire life together like a puzzle to being chased by a shapeshifting god that has my location at all times, to me in a group project redoing my work over and over until my members have to tell me we’ve already gotten a perfect score (this one specifically me holding myself to the standard of nature, essentially trying to flawlessly recreate a natural ecosystem in a simulation).
I’ve been trying to get back into math again (discrete, logic, game theory, etc), so I picked up a book I got a few years ago by a psychologist learning poker and its similarities to real life. I thought it was nice but also wanted another that was a little more quantitative and I ended up grabbing Nate Silver’s “On the Edge”. Completely accidentally to me, and I originally skipped over it until I realized the bookstore likely didn’t have anything too rigorous. Turns out the author actually mentioned Nate Silver in one of the chapters I’d read, so it’s probably not a coincidence I came back to it. Anyway, in the poker book she describes her mentor as a dragonfly since dragonflies catch their prey something like 95% of the time. Two nights later (maybe like 2-3 sleep cycles later, I didn’t sleep much those nights) I have a dream where I’m being taught by my own mentor, who could somehow kill a dragonfly 100% of the time (when in an enclosed environment). Pretty intriguing imagery.
There was another dream featuring a pretty manipulative and calculating girl from a few years ago. We were in a building I spent a lot of time in growing up and she all of a sudden became clingy to me because it was cold and I was wearing a warm hoodie. The interpretation being even a subconsciously manipulative part of me needs to cling onto the me now in order to face whatever is resurfacing. There was even some “couples costume” being planned of Stark and Jarvis, which is honestly hilarious.
There are others, but those are the ones with pretty clear interpretations. I’m unsure if it’s just how I’m seeing things now, but almost every dream feels as if it has some aspect where there’s some being stronger than me that’s either holding back or being blocked off from killing me. It leads into these next things.
I decided Revelation of Wealth would be a nice addition as I read these books, since they bridge the math fields I like with real-world financial applications.
I’d already been noticing that my Vibes 4 embed seemed to be focusing a lot on Divine Dominion/Dominance and Resilience and not necessarily the music or wealth side of things. Doesn’t make too much sense considering SB should naturally have taken care of most of that and free up bandwidth for me to focus on the new stuff.
Then came the final nail in the coffin. I went to sleep the other night (it might’ve been a nap) thinking about how it felt like I was trapped inside a box. That every manifestation feels “safe” instead of bringing me closer to life-changing shifts (like how every wealth manifestation is school related when it used to be pretty diverse). The music ones come and go, but somehow go without leaving any payout. Why is it that I’ve been approached by labels (all “big 5” or whatever you want to call them) it’s always been someone high up initiating, yet things irrationally fall through just before money is discussed? The industry is fickle, but I’d be stupid not to see a pattern after 3 times (I’m mad I didn’t see it after 2). In addition, a producer I wanted to work with posted on social media a few months ago looking for people to attend his camp — a post that came after me listening to Vibes 4 and RoD (RoD specifically almost always preceding insane things happening out of the blue). Why is it then that he didn’t see my reply? He was literally looking for people. I don’t claim to have the most insane supernatural luck or anything, but this kind of thing is very uncharacteristic of how things go for me.
Those thoughts were followed by a dream of me getting nitpicked in extreme detail by one of my parents, an occurrence I’ve noticed that follows whenever I point out a serious flaw in myself. I’d never thought I’d be grappling with wealth ceilings as a student but here I am.
It doesn’t just feel like a wealth ceiling though. It genuinely feels like a box. On one side it’s a wealth ceiling, on another it’s a barrier to social connection, on another it’s a barrier to fame, and another to opportunities. For almost all of them, it just doesn’t feel “safe”. They’re outside my comfort zone. I can just enjoy getting them piecemealed while staying in this box and ignoring any kind of responsibility or increased visibility I gain. But no, that’s complete bullshit. I literally watched myself die as he entrusted everything he wanted to me.
My first thought for limiting beliefs typically goes to my enjoyment of close games. Winning something just barely at the last second feels so much better than a domination from the start. It’s the reason why I procrastinate certain things or prepare just enough that I have to figure things out in the moment. That isn’t what’s causing this though. If anything, it’s something telling me that I can’t win if I leave this box. There are a few other mechanisms like that, but the same also applies to them. I very much hijacked this desire to struggle/suffer to always keep me on an upward trajectory, so it’s something like an external force blocking me from going any further, feeding off of that fear and belief that I’d “lose”.
The wealth ceiling seems/seemed something close to 100k, since that’s the amount that when I thought about it, I’d start to get thoughts of “that’s way too much, it’s more than I need to survive”. “Seemed” because I already did my RoW loop and I know it’s starting to get fought. My mom always found ways to make ends meet despite there barely being enough. This was early on in childhood when I was much happier and didn’t even mind when the power got shut off for a few days. 5 year old me was just happy to get to play board games and spend time with my parents without interruptions. Those memories are actually really fond. Coincidentally, once they started more money, that’s when life started to feel worse (divorce, losing the people closest to me). In addition, it’s not as if people with wealth are praised by people. Both online and in lower income communities, all I’ve witnessed is the demonization of people with money and how “they don’t need it” and how they’re somehow evil for wanting to make more.
It’s interesting how this coincides with me feeling as if I’m betraying my child self. A few weeks ago I had the thought that if the book of Revelations is some kind of allegory, then I’d be the antichrist to whatever childlike christ existed in me. I’ve been trying to respect the feelings I had when I was younger, but at the same time I really can’t let a lot of these stay. I can’t value anyone over myself and my own wellbeing. I have to be selfish, I have to be willing to “use” people (to gain something of value from someone without immediate reciprocation. Even if it’s as simple as just asking for a favor, I feel guilty). Whenever I do something along those lines, I get demonized by myself and painted as some kind of ruthless monster who only cares about his own gain.
There are essentially two actions I can take now. I can begin to see myself as an investment for my parents and anyone who’s helped me significantly. I can trump whatever personal feelings I have leading to this ceiling by following the nature of capital and forcing my own value to rise. I have the means to do it, so I need to according to my status as an investment. So many people invest in me on the regular (money, time, funding, care) that I have to give them a return no matter what, regardless of whatever I believe my own limits are. The second is to completely demonize myself anyway, and hope my future self is able to resolve my childhood views of what right and wrong are later.
I have the opportunity to present one of my current projects at a conference in a few months, under the guidance and direction of my PI. The only issue is that there’s another student who’s been working on this project as well and there’s likely only enough funding to send one of us. I already have an opportunity to present one of my other projects at a separate conference a few months after. I don’t know if this other student will have the opportunity to. I saw the email and responded first. She self-admittedly doesn’t check her email and who knows when she’ll see it. I’m not giving this up though. It’s not up to me to make sure someone else is happy. I’m coming out to an extremely unpredictable job market that I’ll need every advantage I have in. I don’t have the luxury to hand over things like these on a silver platter. It’ll be up to those in charge of the project.
It probably doesn’t read like much to anyone else, but letting myself be 100% opportunistic and selfish on this feels like such a change. I don’t care if I become an asshole in my own eyes or make things unfair, I’ll cross that line.
To anyone that’s broken through wealth ceilings, please feel free to talk about your experiences or leave any advice. I’m used to just letting emotions run their course or twisting them to work in my favor, but if there’s something else I could be doing please let me know.
(Bonus dream)
From today’s nap, it’s as if Inner Circle and the issues it dealt with were represented by the moon. That moon had become destroyed and almost hollowed out. It was left looking like a ring shape similar to the ISS. Even then, it started to become pulled in by an extremely strong gravitational pull of a planet. Cut to me in an apartment on this planet, where I was performing some kind of ritual to take on the traits of someone who was successful in music. People kept knocking on my door and trying to take some specific item from me that I think held some sort of power. Luckily I had kept my door locked and was able to continue the ritual.
