I have it for Initiate but reached the requirement for Ascended and am waiting for that to be updated, I have the 5% Initiate discount at checkout but not the Ascended. Similar thing happened before with Initiate except I hadn’t connected my accounts before so I didn’t get any discount. Back then I had waited almost two weeks for a response from support before just biting the bullet since it had been so long.
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Genuinely sorry to hear that.
Was the latest request for the discount made in the new Support Ticket system?
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Yeah, although it was made a little less than 48 hours ago. I just went ahead with it again anyway since the weekend’s coming up and I typically do express orders. This time it didn’t make too much of a difference but I just want to know if something like last time happens again I’d be able to get the difference back. I think I literally waited until the night before an update because I knew Q would be clogged from all the rebuilds if I did it any later.
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Ah ok. Lets wait and see what RVconsultant has to say on this matter too.
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I would encourage you to enter a support ticket in the new ticketing system. That way, you can track your inquiry.
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It honestly makes me sad to see so much change work devolve into “just feel happy feelings and ignore everything else”. Sure, there is some merit to that kind of attraction, but it leaves out so much creativity or ways of doing things. Especially in making reality happen for yourself.
I’ve been very fond of the phrase “transmute the ground you stand on” lately. If you’re sitting there imagining a world where you’re rich, in what ways are you the same person as you are there? Unless you’re taking a break, you shouldn’t just be doing nothing. There’s an infinite amount of things that could be done. But more specifically, not accepting yourself just doing nothing is the more important part. Expressing the traits you want in the life you already have. Don’t create the image of you being rich 15 miles away, create it here. Connect it to what you’re doing right now. As you do that, you’ll naturally raise the ground you’re on, and gain access to even higher levels with even more surface area to work with. Take action that’ll act as the bridge between you and that place.
In addition, I don’t like the narrow focus on positive emotions in general. They may be nice, but that’s limiting your toolkit so much. What about making yourself so sick and disgusted with your current reality that you’d vomit if you had to sit with it for another minute? Using the anger of the current moment to propel you forward.
Find the things that make you feel a darkness deeper than you can describe. That’s your fuel. There’s some source, and it exists somewhere in reality. Run off of hate if you have to. We’re humans, we’ll fight against what threatens us to the death. It obviously doesn’t have to get this extreme, but I wish some people got a lot more comfortable with being uncomfortable. Going to sleep emotionally uncomfortable is one of the things I’m most proud of learning. The tension and unease forces me forward when I want to just curl into a ball and hide.
This can be done negatively too. There’s a recent memory I’d rather forget. I found the belief behind why it happened. It hurts and feels really bad that I have to call it out, but I’m amplifying it. Forcing myself to feel it strong enough until no part of me can stand to follow that way of living anymore. I don’t care about wishing what I want into existence, I want to burn the things that are keeping me and it separate. A healthy routine would utilize both.
Part of me really wants to try Vortexdive Crucible, but the other knows that I’ll probably use it a little too well.
Magic and occult practices just seem like big symbols. Just like the subconscious communicates in symbols. You create the right symbolism, it responds. You create the right symbol in a ritual, the world responds.
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Paragon Sleep results enhancement goes crazy. I took melatonin and set things up so I could have deeper sleep. Got a dream where I was debugging a project with a specific person with me. Code and the different variables were flying all around us. When I woke up I thought the dream made no sense since I already finished debugging it a few days ago.
Guess who I just helped debug a project very similar to mine? We literally had both of them pulled up side by side. Lmfao.
Probably boosted ASBR since that’s what typically gives me those types of dreams. Haven’t had one in a few weeks since my sleep’s been godawful.
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I’m like 80% sure I lived through the next few days last night. Went to sleep with multiple things to ask people today and tomorrow. I literally got answers in my sleep? Literally as if I were asking them in the places I’d see them. So I literally didn’t need to ask anything, I just had the answers that I’m fairly confident they’d give and I used that to inform my decisions today.
I got an IC + Primordial Aura NE last week and it’s honestly so interesting. I used my first and last name in it. Immediately got dreams putting me in incredibly uncomfortable positions that felt almost fine-tuned to annoy me. I recognized it in the middle of the night the second night and literally called it out as a clash between my normal way of doing things and what IC is pushing and said to just show it to me. Next dream was about me being pursued by foreign spies and my country’s ones (all women) trying to figure them out. In the middle of the dream I ran into a family member in my house and literally called everyone out telling them to go to the basement until they left. “If you haven’t known me for at least 10 days then go to the basement”, and they all listened. One of the ones on my side tried to go down and I had to grab their arm and tell them to stay. Almost 1:1 with how I deal with recon in real life. It’s very much nitpicky. Outside of my name being called in official settings, I only heard my first and last together when I was in trouble as a kid or when I’m mentally nitpicking myself now. With nothing changing other than the name and module, I’m pretty confident that’s what it is. I hardly ever get IC dreams, let alone multiple nights in a row.
This morning it genuinely felt like I was a different person. My mind was just different. I guess that’s what good sleep will do. I’m lucky that even when my sleep was bad and I had the IC clash, I’ve never had a gap in results. Got a job offer that’s a raise from my last one, accidentally met another one of my school’s deans, manager of the coffee shop I go to caught me outside and recommended me a manga, running into people, and obviously the recent dream stuff. I also walked past a girl smiling at me who I didn’t recognize while writing this, so I know I’m getting immediate results (two or three small ones a day that I notice).
I also took a nap earlier. I like naps since I’m still partially conscious enough to interact with whatever imagery I’m shown. I’m still not one for creating entire dreams, but I do like remembering and trying to decode what’s happening in real time, as well as talk to different parts of myself. It’s almost always in this unconscious language. Sometimes it takes decoding to understand the feeling, but it was really nice today. I’m reconnecting with some older parts I cut myself off from. A decent amount of them social. I like having read Existential Kink because it’s like now I’m trusted seeing more shadow traits. Something that’s fucked up is only fucked up because of the context it’s being viewed in. Like mental disorders just being the overactivity of some perfectly normal trait. The nap felt nice though, comparable to a nap I had after RotNW, but it felt a little different. Utilizing sexual energy but for a different purpose.
I think I’d like to start getting as acquainted with IC as ASBR. It’d be super beneficial considering everything ASBR lets me do, and I’m assuming this seeing a few days into the future thing was a mix of those two and Paragon Sleep. With how much I like RoD, it’d make sense that the newest sleep sub would activate some of the same parts of me. I like being able to overtly feel clashes between a sub and my current way of doing things, it lets me consciously choose to adapt and take on the changes it’s giving. I like challenges though, so that may just be a me thing.
I can do a full loop of ASBR with literally no side effects other than needing 9 hours of sleep that night. Instead of any recon or discomfort I feel even better the next day. I’m definitely getting close to that point of normalcy I reached on the standard build. I’m also pushing myself into a lot more responsibilities, so it’s not like there’s any large reconciliation that needs to happen. Because of the sleep thing I try to space listening out until I know I’ll sleep well, but after a few days I just start wanting it again. It’s really motivating to get work done. I can be exhausted and sleep deprived but if I just think about finishing something, I get this surge of energy to do it. Summertime finally reconciled with it to bring me enjoyment from the things I do rather than the time I spend after doing nothing. I guess ASBR “won” that, although I’ll start running it again once I have some time to relax.
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Stressful week, another one coming up but I feel like I should at least talk about this. I found a point of major reconciliation and emotional reactivity a few days ago. Like setting off a landmine. I found it on Inner Circle which I’m currently using a full name embed on. Once I found it I leaned in hard on emphasizing the feeling, since it’s almost guaranteed to lead to growth. The next day was like a really nice bloom. Meanwhile last night was probably one of the most graphic dreams of my life. I’ll spare the details but there were two versions of me, and one of them died in a horrific way that was essentially his worst nightmare. And the other version of me had to witness it as he was the only person trying to save him. Very bloody, very PTSD-esque. I consciously feel neutral but even then acknowledge it was extremely traumatic.
Not the best thing to wake up to, but it is what it is. Predictive dreams feel like a norm even as I rotate different titles out. Probably my favorite result is from an hour ago. I already know Primordial Aura is going strong, but my friend said verbatim “normally with anyone else I don’t feel like drinking, but it’s when you specifically ask I realize how susceptible to peer pressure I am.” Me who’s known her for a few months getting compared to people who have known her for over a year. Direct influencing aura getting used for evil I guess since we started drinking together after I got the NE, lmao.
Anyway, ASBR washout (-> Vibes 4), IC → RAIKOV for the next few days, and Paragon Sleep. I don’t get switch recon and I’m pretty good at timing switches right as current work ends that it doesn’t matter much. It’s almost unfair to people that thought I was cracked before, but I keep being surrounded by geniuses who are always one step ahead of me. I can’t stop until I’m an equivalent to at least anyone I meet. That drive will keep me going until I die.
The dream world has nice parallels to this one, with how I literally think to myself about the different effects I’m getting. There are some old worldviews I used to have that were apparently really accurate that I keep getting spoonfed bit by bit, I probably thought ignorance was better back then. Ideally not, but probably back to lurking for the next week.
The unconscious space where social interaction takes place, subconscious knowledge withheld, the state where true manifestation happens, etc etc. If you’re like me, just find a way to make whatever your wildest dream is seem mundane and complain about it. No greater way of claiming ownership than finding the downside of what anyone else would die for.
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Quick addendum that we probably only want to be ourselves. So if you’re not moving in the direction you want to go in, it’s probably because you don’t see yourself in it. Introspection and such and start to show yourself how that thing brings you closer to a truer expression of yourself.
Recon is different and I don’t get overloaded unless I’m really pushing it. I’m assuming most of that dream came from IC but I also think part of it came from me reconciling a bunch of life goal stuff at once, so there really might’ve been a me that “died”.
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Maybe I intuitively took a break from ASBR because my mind just wants a break. I just came off a meeting realizing how crazy I sound. I’m coming back from doing 20 hour work weeks on top of classes to jump into finals and projects. One of the things that’s started happening is that I don’t have to think too much about what to say socially and the words just come. I just talked about exhaustion and wanting to sleep despite already getting a decent amount. Even my voice and tone sounded tired. My reasoning for washing out was that I wanted to take a break from academic manifestations since those were happening in droves. They’re probably the most stressful thing to me.
Maybe some self-worth thing, I need to always be doing something and pushing myself. My immediate family always saw it but even I’m starting to now. I’m objectively really successful looking from the outside in, in ways that’d dox me if I talked about them, but it’s always the feeling of “okay, next” after anything. I’m just surrounding myself with stress. I had to get a quick answer on something, so I texted the dean of my school and got it. Cool, but now whenever I open my texts it’s their name near the top. I’m really fortunate that I’m in a situation where I even have their number and they like me, but that very much does not overshadow the fact that I have to feel like I’m on my best behavior whenever their name comes up. It feels like I’m doing a ton of things on the fly and making it work only because it’s me. There’d be no option other than to make it work, it objectively wouldn’t exist. It’s just forcing myself to adapt to anything that happens. And it’s worked out, but my god I need to decompress. Not even stepping out of the identity I’ve created, I just want to spend a few days not having to think.
RAIKOV has helped with memory and studying, but I think it came along with a rush of creativity because I absolutely had to get a music idea out today. I just wanted to be with my keyboard in Logic.
Inner Circle feels like it’s directly telling me what to do. I’ll get that thought randomly after listening. I feel like that’s the major difference other than results just feeling smoother and targeting a deeper part of me. I actually had to start forcing myself to consciously look for IOIs again, I got so used to rationalizing them away that I didn’t even notice when strangers were receptive. I’ll also decide to walk a slightly different way and end up running into friends. I like the way things flow now. I also don’t care that much. Not directly as an IC thing, but it’s like some kind of response to the world. Maybe Divine Dominion but it started a little before I started it again. It’s like some “optimal” way of going through life. Less worries, faster growth since I can abandon anything I don’t like, and surprisingly me explicitly acknowledging that I don’t like certain people and not forcing myself to feel bad about it. I also wouldn’t care about coming off as rude since it’s my life, and I get along with the vast majority of people. It’s also a little like betting, since I mentioned before I’ve never not adapted to something even when people think I’m crazy for trying. So I can essentially bet on it like I always have, and that means I can care even less. The people I actually do need to care about seem fine with me figuring things out on my own, and it keeps working, so maybe things really are okay. Or they’ve always been okay, and I’m the one that wasn’t okay with it.
I also came to a realization about sleep. Since it’s literally your body becoming vulnerable, wouldn’t it be like betrayal if you let yourself sleep in a “not safe” environment? It’s what your body considers not safe. Loud noise? Literally one of the biggest indicators you’re absolutely not safe. Light? Associated with daytime, when you’re typically out in the open and not safe. Mentally overthinking or overstimulated? Why the hell would you be overthinking if you thought you were safe? I will be enjoying going back to sleep in my own bed soon. My childhood bedroom is the epitome of safety to me.
I know something good’s going to happen soon, I think the feeling’s coming from IC but it could be some of Vibes too. Idk, I’m crashing off of caffeine at this point. More introspection to come as I procrastinate take a break from my papers. Here’s to an energy drink free summer (please?).
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I won a research award. For a poster that was a first draft since I was busy working on an ML model. For a presentation I didn’t practice since I was also studying for exams.
Ironically it started from me bombing a performance for the first time since probably elementary school. It’s super uncharacteristic of me since I’ve done professional gigs before. Even more so since it was a song I could play with my eyes closed. It’s like I felt the gravity of everyone’s attention for the first time in a while and it knocked everything out of whack. But it didn’t make too much sense to me since I’ve literally learned things on the spot while performing before. It felt similar to what sometimes happens on an exam when I know every bit of material and still manage to fuck it up. So I looked for that feeling and found it. I used RAIKOV to create a sanctuary in that place to keep me as I am. Right plop in the middle of the anxiety. Similar to how I am when I dream or have little mental restrictions which I’ve made a lot more often now. I used that place to study for a specific final and give the research presentation from. They didn’t post the stats from that exam but I’m near 99% sure I was in the top five. I absolutely destroyed my previous scores.
The kind of fucked up part of this is that the moment I got up from performing there was a part of me that was insanely excited. Immensely enjoying the fact that I’d now found a new flaw about myself in one of the most embarrassing ways possible. It wasn’t even embarrassing. I’d found a part of me that wasn’t perfect, so that meant a new area I’d get to feel the satisfaction of becoming perfect in. I make small errors, but it’s never to the point of actually being a flaw in the grand scheme of things. Failures are the fastest way to learn, so maybe I was happy that instead of small nitpicks, there was actually a big issue I had to fix? And I was able to do it in less than two days so maybe there is some part of me that’s just waiting for mistakes it can correct.
I feel like I’m also getting called out more on not celebrating the wins I get. I typically like to have an “onto the next” mindset and not be proud of things in front of people. Got called out two days in a row on it on how I should still acknowledge the role I play in things and not try to say it was luck. I feel like it’s such a weird line to toe that I don’t even want to cross into cocky territory, but I let myself feel happy by myself or with specific people so I make sure I’m rewarding myself too.
Forgot to mention the award came with a cash prize as well. I also just got a raise from my job that I wasn’t expecting.
Hoping I can get a lot out of this next RoD run. Having a Stark Black washout feels actually really good. It feels like everything’s solidified this time instead of other times when I was dependent on the input to push me forward. It’s like it became innate. I’ll force myself to reach those same standards anyway, so it’s not like I need to hear the audio for it right now. A break from it feels nice too. I initially stopped because I wanted to give Inner Circle enough space to make the changes it needed without me feeling forced to compromise, but it just feels like a mental break and letting myself explore other things without the pressure to be perfect at all of them. I like just adapting to things and seeing what happens. I deserve to explore a little before exploiting again. It feels as if I’m reacting to everything like it’s a dream. Just adapt to the environment and forget whatever you thought you were, the true you will follow suit. If something is really a part of you, you don’t need to cling onto it. It’ll be with you regardless.
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Congrats on the research award!
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Thank you!
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Very long self-introspection and dream report incoming:
I got an RoD name embed with Synergy: 42. I typically like to stand by and let whatever dreams come naturally unfold and reserve creating only for when I’m napping and don’t have as much to process. That changed after my second listening day when I immediately started ping ponging with the dream, it gave me an environment and imagery, and I myself chose what I did within it, as well as how I’d interact with the people. It works best when I’m slightly awake, so napping still feels like the best way to induce them for now, although lately I’ve been able to choose and overall direction before falling asleep and the dream will follow suit.
The actual dreams have been pretty interesting. Some confronting old ways of living and the me now being considered immoral to that past me. Almost a recurring theme? I keep being put in environments with people I’d honestly rather not be in. It’s like I’m being forced to reread a page in a book and I keep glazing over and skimming it no matter what. An interesting pattern is that almost every night from the past two weeks, the first dream involves me being held to some harsh expectations or doing some borderline impossible task. From having to put my entire life together like a puzzle to being chased by a shapeshifting god that has my location at all times, to me in a group project redoing my work over and over until my members have to tell me we’ve already gotten a perfect score (this one specifically me holding myself to the standard of nature, essentially trying to flawlessly recreate a natural ecosystem in a simulation).
I’ve been trying to get back into math again (discrete, logic, game theory, etc), so I picked up a book I got a few years ago by a psychologist learning poker and its similarities to real life. I thought it was nice but also wanted another that was a little more quantitative and I ended up grabbing Nate Silver’s “On the Edge”. Completely accidentally to me, and I originally skipped over it until I realized the bookstore likely didn’t have anything too rigorous. Turns out the author actually mentioned Nate Silver in one of the chapters I’d read, so it’s probably not a coincidence I came back to it. Anyway, in the poker book she describes her mentor as a dragonfly since dragonflies catch their prey something like 95% of the time. Two nights later (maybe like 2-3 sleep cycles later, I didn’t sleep much those nights) I have a dream where I’m being taught by my own mentor, who could somehow kill a dragonfly 100% of the time (when in an enclosed environment). Pretty intriguing imagery.
There was another dream featuring a pretty manipulative and calculating girl from a few years ago. We were in a building I spent a lot of time in growing up and she all of a sudden became clingy to me because it was cold and I was wearing a warm hoodie. The interpretation being even a subconsciously manipulative part of me needs to cling onto the me now in order to face whatever is resurfacing. There was even some “couples costume” being planned of Stark and Jarvis, which is honestly hilarious.
There are others, but those are the ones with pretty clear interpretations. I’m unsure if it’s just how I’m seeing things now, but almost every dream feels as if it has some aspect where there’s some being stronger than me that’s either holding back or being blocked off from killing me. It leads into these next things.
I decided Revelation of Wealth would be a nice addition as I read these books, since they bridge the math fields I like with real-world financial applications.
I’d already been noticing that my Vibes 4 embed seemed to be focusing a lot on Divine Dominion/Dominance and Resilience and not necessarily the music or wealth side of things. Doesn’t make too much sense considering SB should naturally have taken care of most of that and free up bandwidth for me to focus on the new stuff.
Then came the final nail in the coffin. I went to sleep the other night (it might’ve been a nap) thinking about how it felt like I was trapped inside a box. That every manifestation feels “safe” instead of bringing me closer to life-changing shifts (like how every wealth manifestation is school related when it used to be pretty diverse). The music ones come and go, but somehow go without leaving any payout. Why is it that I’ve been approached by labels (all “big 5” or whatever you want to call them) it’s always been someone high up initiating, yet things irrationally fall through just before money is discussed? The industry is fickle, but I’d be stupid not to see a pattern after 3 times (I’m mad I didn’t see it after 2). In addition, a producer I wanted to work with posted on social media a few months ago looking for people to attend his camp — a post that came after me listening to Vibes 4 and RoD (RoD specifically almost always preceding insane things happening out of the blue). Why is it then that he didn’t see my reply? He was literally looking for people. I don’t claim to have the most insane supernatural luck or anything, but this kind of thing is very uncharacteristic of how things go for me.
Those thoughts were followed by a dream of me getting nitpicked in extreme detail by one of my parents, an occurrence I’ve noticed that follows whenever I point out a serious flaw in myself. I’d never thought I’d be grappling with wealth ceilings as a student but here I am.
It doesn’t just feel like a wealth ceiling though. It genuinely feels like a box. On one side it’s a wealth ceiling, on another it’s a barrier to social connection, on another it’s a barrier to fame, and another to opportunities. For almost all of them, it just doesn’t feel “safe”. They’re outside my comfort zone. I can just enjoy getting them piecemealed while staying in this box and ignoring any kind of responsibility or increased visibility I gain. But no, that’s complete bullshit. I literally watched myself die as he entrusted everything he wanted to me.
My first thought for limiting beliefs typically goes to my enjoyment of close games. Winning something just barely at the last second feels so much better than a domination from the start. It’s the reason why I procrastinate certain things or prepare just enough that I have to figure things out in the moment. That isn’t what’s causing this though. If anything, it’s something telling me that I can’t win if I leave this box. There are a few other mechanisms like that, but the same also applies to them. I very much hijacked this desire to struggle/suffer to always keep me on an upward trajectory, so it’s something like an external force blocking me from going any further, feeding off of that fear and belief that I’d “lose”.
The wealth ceiling seems/seemed something close to 100k, since that’s the amount that when I thought about it, I’d start to get thoughts of “that’s way too much, it’s more than I need to survive”. “Seemed” because I already did my RoW loop and I know it’s starting to get fought. My mom always found ways to make ends meet despite there barely being enough. This was early on in childhood when I was much happier and didn’t even mind when the power got shut off for a few days. 5 year old me was just happy to get to play board games and spend time with my parents without interruptions. Those memories are actually really fond. Coincidentally, once they started more money, that’s when life started to feel worse (divorce, losing the people closest to me). In addition, it’s not as if people with wealth are praised by people. Both online and in lower income communities, all I’ve witnessed is the demonization of people with money and how “they don’t need it” and how they’re somehow evil for wanting to make more.
It’s interesting how this coincides with me feeling as if I’m betraying my child self. A few weeks ago I had the thought that if the book of Revelations is some kind of allegory, then I’d be the antichrist to whatever childlike christ existed in me. I’ve been trying to respect the feelings I had when I was younger, but at the same time I really can’t let a lot of these stay. I can’t value anyone over myself and my own wellbeing. I have to be selfish, I have to be willing to “use” people (to gain something of value from someone without immediate reciprocation. Even if it’s as simple as just asking for a favor, I feel guilty). Whenever I do something along those lines, I get demonized by myself and painted as some kind of ruthless monster who only cares about his own gain.
There are essentially two actions I can take now. I can begin to see myself as an investment for my parents and anyone who’s helped me significantly. I can trump whatever personal feelings I have leading to this ceiling by following the nature of capital and forcing my own value to rise. I have the means to do it, so I need to according to my status as an investment. So many people invest in me on the regular (money, time, funding, care) that I have to give them a return no matter what, regardless of whatever I believe my own limits are. The second is to completely demonize myself anyway, and hope my future self is able to resolve my childhood views of what right and wrong are later.
I have the opportunity to present one of my current projects at a conference in a few months, under the guidance and direction of my PI. The only issue is that there’s another student who’s been working on this project as well and there’s likely only enough funding to send one of us. I already have an opportunity to present one of my other projects at a separate conference a few months after. I don’t know if this other student will have the opportunity to. I saw the email and responded first. She self-admittedly doesn’t check her email and who knows when she’ll see it. I’m not giving this up though. It’s not up to me to make sure someone else is happy. I’m coming out to an extremely unpredictable job market that I’ll need every advantage I have in. I don’t have the luxury to hand over things like these on a silver platter. It’ll be up to those in charge of the project.
It probably doesn’t read like much to anyone else, but letting myself be 100% opportunistic and selfish on this feels like such a change. I don’t care if I become an asshole in my own eyes or make things unfair, I’ll cross that line.
To anyone that’s broken through wealth ceilings, please feel free to talk about your experiences or leave any advice. I’m used to just letting emotions run their course or twisting them to work in my favor, but if there’s something else I could be doing please let me know.
(Bonus dream)
From today’s nap, it’s as if Inner Circle and the issues it dealt with were represented by the moon. That moon had become destroyed and almost hollowed out. It was left looking like a ring shape similar to the ISS. Even then, it started to become pulled in by an extremely strong gravitational pull of a planet. Cut to me in an apartment on this planet, where I was performing some kind of ritual to take on the traits of someone who was successful in music. People kept knocking on my door and trying to take some specific item from me that I think held some sort of power. Luckily I had kept my door locked and was able to continue the ritual.
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@HeroicDragon the night after I commented this, one of my family members texted me that I appeared in their dream and helped to save them from whatever was after them. Just think it’s a nice coincidence.
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No such thing as a coincidence. We are friends now.
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I think it’s really interesting how much the structure of my thoughts influences how I talk. Multitasking like crazy and in a creative groove? Yeah it’s gonna take me 5 minutes to get through that story because I’ll get sidetracked with every detail being its own smaller story. It might be the same with songs too, considering how I like to start with a breakdown and jump around from there. Gonna see if I can develop both modes of thinking a little smoother.
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I think it’s interesting that a few months back I kept making a comparison between recon and sleep deprivation. I would always have to ask if it was recon or if I just needed a nap. In reality I think the two aren’t too different for me. Sleep obviously has the waste management aspect, but memory consolidation and processing are arguably the most notable aspects of it. Having an excess of information to process really would mimic the experience of being a little behind on sleep. Even without recon, I enjoy taking naps on listening days.
I’m also realizing that for all I’ve talked about taking notes of recon and processing signals, I haven’t done that publicly too much, so here we go. Today was interesting, as well some things from the past few days.
I’ve been learning the differences between Stark Black and Vibes ST4 lately. SB nearly always drives me towards productivity in every aspect in my life, which isn’t bad at all, but it can be overwhelming when that productivity isn’t needed. Forcing myself to get things done quickly while relying on others as little as possible, not letting myself take something easy even if it isn’t a huge deal. Meanwhile I’d feel very little on Vibes 4, aside from a few dreams and the influence of Tyrant from Divine Dominion it was almost as if the title was entirely in the background. I thought it might have been an action thing, since SB’s action-taking can be applied much more broadly than Vibes where working on music, industry research, or networking feel as if they’re the only ways to take action. I know part of it is a copy issue where there isn’t much to pull from to visualize it other than SB’s copy, but it feels almost like a disservice when they do feel quite different when running each of them. All of that to say, Vibes didn’t feel much like other titles where I would immediately notice a concept popping up and be able to address it.
About a week or two ago I decided I’d finally give up trying to keep up appearances with myself on certain things. I won’t let myself feel guilty for wanting something, even if it may seem stupid to me. I already let myself be pretty fluid with beliefs, but the system they existed in was still pretty rigid. “Success needs to be achieved in this kind of way, I can’t let myself do this specific thing” to try and preserve consistency, with that system being defined when I had first started SB. It was a defense mechanism against me one day deciding I didn’t want to do anything and bedrotting for the rest of my life. The fear was somewhat valid since there isn’t a lot I’d consider my life’s purpose, so I wanted something to keep me going.
Instead of me becoming lazier, what happened was I instead started to subconsciously question everything. What really is what I want? I’ve been blessed enough to be good at many of the things I try, so there was never one specific thing I derived meaning from. It helped me see and correct so many things in real time. I became softer to some people, borderline cut off some others, and started giving myself the benefit of the doubt more often. I almost immediately got reactions of people almost deferring(?) to me and what I say. I would typically justify my actions or thoughts either internally or externally, but I haven’t needed to at all lately. I know it won’t be the case all the time, but the world really isn’t as harsh as I believed it to be. It’s like I’m reconnecting with an inner authority.
Vibes started to give me dreams in scenarios where I needed to soften up and admit I needed help from certain people who have screwed me over, or at least not be combative when they’re doing something for me (IC also does this but slightly less symbolically). Over the course of some weeks my reaction to these people gradually softened and the latest dream that featured them had me benefitting from it.
Since I’ve basically grown up in the music industry, it had always been assumed that I’d just go straight into it. But like a lot of other career paths, I feel like seeing the inside of it makes it a lot harder to accept. You see the intricacies and how many people fail to succeed, and what real success in it takes. I think there’s been a huge blockage there for me. I never wanted to put myself through that, and I was somewhat guided away from it. But even if it’s not something I choose to be my entire life’s career, it’s still shooting me in the foot if I can’t let myself feel like I’m part of it. Feeling shame or fighting the act of chasing success doesn’t give me the room I need to reach it. If I’m defensive against it, how will I be able to reach out my comfort zone?
In comes today, where I start to get very moody seemingly out of nowhere. I don’t get recon often anymore so it was a bit of a shock, but I could tell pretty quickly it was ZPQ recon. The easiest way to describe it is like irrational pissyness that comes from the soul. Everything is wrong and nothing feels done right, even from myself. There isn’t too much that can be done with that feeling other than try to soothe it and wait it out. So I took a nap with my phone nowhere near me, and two hours was enough for me to at least recognize what was being addressed. That idea of success concept was coming back. Rather than an introduction though, it felt like my body was fighting against something that’d already been proven. Like a 3 year old having a tantrum. I believe it’s in relation to some things recently that have shown me my old understanding of success was wrong, and that I’m not completely fulfilled now despite living up to that old understanding. It’s a little better now, but I know there’s still some coming overhaul before it’s fully accepted. But that’s what NSE is for. It’s making me wonder if pissy recon is a result of your mind fighting tooth and nail against old beliefs being wrong, even with new results proving it. Like a refusal to accept new information.
RoD has been very nice accompanying this. A very unsubtle dream some days ago let me know that success was what was being redefined (framed as misreading an assignment’s rubric and only going for the most difficult option). Dream interpretation and recon management might not be too different. You’re just interpreting your emotions in relation to the preceding events you’ve just experienced.
Comparing higher density to increased listening time, it’s like the information per minute correlates more with massive belief overhauls vs more nitpicking. Like breadth vs depth. A normal build is very good for targeting and refining specific behaviors and letting that gradually change your belief, meanwhile T or Q will just say fuck that and gather all the evidence it needs to change the belief and let the actions follow from there.
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I really like the clarity of Mind in your posts. Helps me self-reflect as well.
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