Thoughts and Rambles

[jelly]

My first dream had literally such a nice one-to-one with this. I was competing in a driving competition where at certain points, different car parts would be replaced so that by the end, it was up for debate whether you were even driving the same car (Ship of Theseus type paradox). You were ranked on how smoothly you could drive the car despite those changes. Since (by other people’s accounts) I’ve been a very good driver even when I was first learning as a teen. Specifically that I’m really good at controlling the speed of the car in various conditions to keep turns super smooth. To the point that my friends’ parents would prefer me driving their cars than their own kids (another motif of adapting to different cars). I attribute it to how my parents naturally taught me and had me going out of my comfort zone a lot. There were also points between rounds where I would be jaywalking and naturally make it across the road with no issue, meanwhile a socially awkward kid from my high school tried the same thing and almost got hit by a truck. In the end I ended up placing second overall.

Very obvious parallel to me “lucid processing” my way through the subs. I’m good at smoothly navigating and living my daily life as so many changes are happening at once. It’s like I’m relying on an inner talent I had when I first started listening, while also simultaneously feeling out and adapting to the changes in thinking and doing. The jaywalking thing definitely relates to being social and how I can absolutely not care and violate whatever norms are held and still end up being the center of social circles in a way that other people can’t, which happened a lot when I was younger. That’s part of what the Summertime experience was today, I felt the same pattern and way of being re-unfolded in a way that felt like the perfect realization of everything I’ve been through. I got second place because there’s still some way I can take it a step further in my action I think, rather than only relying on my natural capacity for “driving”.

[jelly]

It’s nice that I got to realize just how fluid life is, but that was honestly hilarious. ASBR was processing for like three days straight, and it felt like I was being observed very closely for even the smallest misalignment. Like my mental landscape kept changing and I myself kept changing with it and not letting it find a single flaw. Which also meant I was super aligned with the archetype while also having some Summertime and True Social in my system. So needless to say, I now have more commitments I made for myself, but none of them are bad. I welcome the chance to show myself just how much I’ve changed.

It’s a little sad I don’t talk about most of my results here (since a decent amount of them are public), but it’s been great seeing things build little by little. Initial projects and connections snowballing into things leaving people confused as to how I have enough time in the day to get everything done.

What really convinced me things were clicking was yesterday, when I was running off of maybe 5 hours of sleep and somehow managed to keep going for almost 11 hours straight. I have to be careful to not let ST act as an excuse for me to overwork and undersleep. I can also realistically find a better balance exposure-wise and not force myself into go mode for that long, I just had to prove I was onto something and it wasn’t just my processing capacity spontaneously getting higher.

I feel like I’m so close to something. Same thing I’ve been chasing and getting glimpses of for the past two years. I don’t know it in words, but it’s a feeling. A really good feeling. The same one I get right before insane manifestations. I want that to become my default, and I know it’s close.

I found the source of that scared feeling, but I don’t know, I feel like I’m hesitant to let go of the feeling that there’s something else watching me as I take action. Like, if we were to say that listening to a loop is like making some kind of assertion, that watching feeling is what verifies that you really are what you asserted you are. Maybe like being tested? In other mediums of change and subconscious work there’s almost always some kind of subconscious test given to you by reality before it truly “accepts” the change. I had a similar feeling back when I first started like all of reality was watching me, so it’s hard for me to give up that belief that something’s there.

Regardless, my favorite realization right now is becoming comfortable with that watching feeling and being tested. It’s like a game. I assert who I am and for the remainder of processing, I’m thrown into situations that test it. If you’re comfortable with it, then there’s literally no pressure and you get to just enjoy your game against reality. I think ST’s helping with that state. Have fun and let your nervous system be regulated no matter what kind of hell you’re in, that’s power. That’s the kind of enjoyment I want to have.

[jelly]

Little vent and ramble time I guess. Less organized this time.

I can tell that whatever I did last week, I essentially figured out how to short-circuit the reconciliation process to the point that almost anything in my life gets reconciled immediately. I immediately accept and adapt information or some outcome into my worldview and feel little to no emotional drainage. It feels like the other side of stoicism.

You say you have some goal, but do you really value it more than where you are now? You experience recon primarily because there’s that disconnect between where you’ve been comfortable and where you know you need to be. So, what if you place full faith and confidence in your future self? That everything you value and want to keep now will be fulfilled by some version of you that’s better and more advanced in every way. Literally just trust you to remain you through any changes. That’s the only way I can verbalize it right now.

The annoying thing is that now, what I really want is some huge thing to crash into my life and force me to reconcile everything I am. I get no backlash from SB or Summertime, or really anything right now, and that’s part of the issue. I’m in alignment and the “small” changes that happen don’t really matter to me. So now what? Honestly, it’s making me really bored. Even giving myself more commitments just feels like “been there, done that, I’ll get through it”.

A little more introspection is showing me what’s happening. Literally the definitions of success I’ve had all my life are getting peeled away and confused. I hit multiple metrics last week that proved, both to other people and me, that I’m already hitting all the success points I wanted. Back when I first started here, I had a vision that included both an external and internal life. A very eventful and involved external world that required an internal one sufficiently capable of handling it. But I just proved that I could be placed in any environment and come out on top. So… what the fuck is this? My mind has to take a slow route and slowly move the bar to redefine what my life needs to look like, so what am I supposed to do here? I hit all the bars and metrics in my current world. It’s like if you completed a level in a video game and it suddenly started lagging and taking forever for the next one’s textures to load.

I think I’m understanding it in relation to the image stuff from last week. It’s getting edited slowly and deliberately, to give me a model of success and life that’ll be thorough and satisfy all of my wants across time. So now I’m just stuck here. It’s that created image that’s getting reconciled, a picture of my life getting fact checked against the world 24/7, sent back to be fact checked against memories and my own current wants, just to be sent back externally for the cycle to continue in a loop. There are small things I can refine in my life now sure, but I like doing those alongside the big changes when there’s the motivation of something to chase. I’m literally waiting for my worldview to update while I sit here.

I know this will clear with time, but that’s the most annoying thing. I’m just supposed to sit here and do basically nothing as I wait for some deeper part of my subconscious mind to make sense of the world in a new way. Since I’m basically hyper-plastic right now, it’s like I’m craving some kind of inner tension to resolve that isn’t being met. SB does give changes in the way I like, but I’d rather have that same density in other areas. It’s not as simple as just getting a name embed and beefing the build either. It’s the way concepts themselves are addressed. I might have to stick to that and Summertime until this clears. Might as well use IC as a booster in the third slot if I’m not gonna feel anything regardless. Or maybe switch to RAIKOV, but I don’t need it that frequently right now so it doesn’t even feel necessary.

So yeah, life-induced bored recon from a deep subconscious structure I can’t mediate. At least I know the source of it. My dreams have been hard to remember the past two nights too, probably from a disconnected subconscious and conscious view. I’m still myself in the dream, but the moment I’m bound by normal physics, poof, it’s like a different world that I can’t translate memories from.

[jelly]

A little disorganized again. I might keep saying that but I feel like I’m kind of under construction right now, so my normal standard of thoroughness is off.

I’m sticking with Inner Circle as my third sub. Good things start to happen whenever I listen, and I just got a manifestation that felt made for specifically me. After my loop earlier I’ve started to feel really good and like I’m getting talked to directly by it. I’m interested in almost every single one of its goals right now. It’s the same kind of alignment I have with ASBR, like a feeling that I can’t drop this. It’s like I’m being asked about all my deepest desires right now and it’s showing them to me as dream memories. It’s been almost a year since I started running it last year and I kept it in my stack for quite a while, so it has quite a bit to pick up from and work with. Back then, I remember having dreams where it felt like people were watching me. Maybe I’m just really enjoying that feeling now. It’s like there’s an unconscious social space where all subconscious communication takes place. On titles with social or network aspects, it feels like I’m being seen more in that space. Like I’m the focal point of attention.

Dreams are still different. I had a bit better memory last night, and it’s like I’m just living another life but asleep. They’re hard to recall because they’re just me but living another life. I was literally listening to music, having some of the exact same behaviors I have while awake, and with my own stream of thought about those behaviors too. I literally went on my phone and watched youtube like I normally would awake. At some point I also noticed a dream inconsistency with a building’s location changing in between glances. Instead of ignoring it or using it as a chance to become fully lucid, I just edited it myself? Like I went “oh, just let me do it” and I fixed it just like that, and went back to the conversation I was in. I’ve also had that kind of base level awareness the other nights too. Like how you don’t think about you being awake as you’re going about your day, it’s a baseline assumption. It’s that same thing here, just me being asleep.

That deep recon is still there, but I can tell progress is being made in different areas. The manifestation is one that showed me that for sure. It’ll have me slightly altering the way I see myself. I was insanely tired earlier and the irritability has been there for days now. Not even irritability, just slightly higher intensity of emotions. I’m already pretty good at keeping emotions subtle in me, so there aren’t any outbursts or cause for concern in my daily life. But it’s like there’s a voice complaining or just talking my internal ear off whenever something happens. The reaction is bigger than usual. I can see it, I can call it out. But it’s still there, like the emotion isn’t mine to clear. All I can do is rationally call it out and wait for it to dissipate or get distracted by something else and go about my day.

I’m also at a bit of a clash between ASBR and Summertime. Like I’m getting multiple signals about the things I like and that work for me, and they conflict on the surface. Relaxing is nice, but relaxation without anything to relax from means nothing. I do 10x better in anything when there’s a little bit of stress, or I’m just pushing myself and doing what I don’t think is possible. That’s the most recent ASBR one, and it’s pretty central and core to my life considering that’s what powers essentially all of my actions and growth. So Summertime would seemingly need to start working in that framework. I know there are a few more compromises that can be made, but the fact that I push myself past limits is something that can’t change. It’s helping me enjoy the journey while I do that, but I was subtly dreading listening to my next loop. This is my kind of reconciliation, deep enough that it isn’t reconciled immediately and is more philosophical in nature, yet not too deep that it’s not up to me to consciously find a resolution for. Also means that there’s no emotional reaction to dealing with it. It’s just there, something I try to tackle at least a little bit of every day (as I lowkey make it harder for myself by continuing to push my limits further). Subconsciously, strategic burnout is still a valid option for me. I know my mental limit before I’ll actually hit that point, so I can tease the line as long as I want and bring myself to that brink just as I’m about to get a break. Then it’s technically “zero loss” since that break will refresh me anyway. It’s difficult because I honestly think it’s a good strategy in terms of making the most out of everything. Like, if pushing myself gets me 10-20% more output and I’d be getting the break anyway, if I didn’t then it’d just feel like a waste. Not sure if that’s actually an ASBR thing or just a natural inclination it promoted, but it’s there. I’m thinking that adding caffeine back in moderation wouldn’t be a bad idea either.

There’s also a very strong feeling that I can’t be satisfied. When you’re satisfied with reality, you stop fighting for more, and I can’t stop fighting for more.

This might not have been as disorganized as I thought. Maybe I just thought too highly of my past journal posts, lmao.

[jelly]

@RVconsultant if someone’s waiting for their elites discount to get applied and has sent a ticket in, is it possible for them to get the discount difference refunded on a purchase? This is the second time I’m waiting on a response but don’t want to wait an indefinite amount of time before buying. The ticket dates on both are before the purchase was made and when the post count requirement was met.

[Lion]

@jelly

if someone’s waiting for their elites discount to get applied and has sent a ticket in, is it possible for them to get the discount difference refunded on a purchase?

The elite discount is hard coded into Main Store and Q Store checkouts. It’s not a coupon code as we used to previously.

So I don’t think the difference can be made another time.

Do check whether you have the discount option by going to the main store, putting a title in tbe cart and and seeing if there is a Elite Discount (or Arch Alchemist Discount) mentioned in the checkout page.

[jelly]

I have it for Initiate but reached the requirement for Ascended and am waiting for that to be updated, I have the 5% Initiate discount at checkout but not the Ascended. Similar thing happened before with Initiate except I hadn’t connected my accounts before so I didn’t get any discount. Back then I had waited almost two weeks for a response from support before just biting the bullet since it had been so long.

[Lion]

Genuinely sorry to hear that.

Was the latest request for the discount made in the new Support Ticket system?

[jelly]

Yeah, although it was made a little less than 48 hours ago. I just went ahead with it again anyway since the weekend’s coming up and I typically do express orders. This time it didn’t make too much of a difference but I just want to know if something like last time happens again I’d be able to get the difference back. I think I literally waited until the night before an update because I knew Q would be clogged from all the rebuilds if I did it any later.

[Lion]

Ah ok. Lets wait and see what RVconsultant has to say on this matter too.

[RVconsultant]

I would encourage you to enter a support ticket in the new ticketing system. That way, you can track your inquiry.

[jelly]

It honestly makes me sad to see so much change work devolve into “just feel happy feelings and ignore everything else”. Sure, there is some merit to that kind of attraction, but it leaves out so much creativity or ways of doing things. Especially in making reality happen for yourself.

I’ve been very fond of the phrase “transmute the ground you stand on” lately. If you’re sitting there imagining a world where you’re rich, in what ways are you the same person as you are there? Unless you’re taking a break, you shouldn’t just be doing nothing. There’s an infinite amount of things that could be done. But more specifically, not accepting yourself just doing nothing is the more important part. Expressing the traits you want in the life you already have. Don’t create the image of you being rich 15 miles away, create it here. Connect it to what you’re doing right now. As you do that, you’ll naturally raise the ground you’re on, and gain access to even higher levels with even more surface area to work with. Take action that’ll act as the bridge between you and that place.

In addition, I don’t like the narrow focus on positive emotions in general. They may be nice, but that’s limiting your toolkit so much. What about making yourself so sick and disgusted with your current reality that you’d vomit if you had to sit with it for another minute? Using the anger of the current moment to propel you forward.

Find the things that make you feel a darkness deeper than you can describe. That’s your fuel. There’s some source, and it exists somewhere in reality. Run off of hate if you have to. We’re humans, we’ll fight against what threatens us to the death. It obviously doesn’t have to get this extreme, but I wish some people got a lot more comfortable with being uncomfortable. Going to sleep emotionally uncomfortable is one of the things I’m most proud of learning. The tension and unease forces me forward when I want to just curl into a ball and hide.

@jelly

After that, create a new image like before of the scenario, this time following the new belief your emotional self is accepting.

This can be done negatively too. There’s a recent memory I’d rather forget. I found the belief behind why it happened. It hurts and feels really bad that I have to call it out, but I’m amplifying it. Forcing myself to feel it strong enough until no part of me can stand to follow that way of living anymore. I don’t care about wishing what I want into existence, I want to burn the things that are keeping me and it separate. A healthy routine would utilize both.

Part of me really wants to try Vortexdive Crucible, but the other knows that I’ll probably use it a little too well.

Magic and occult practices just seem like big symbols. Just like the subconscious communicates in symbols. You create the right symbolism, it responds. You create the right symbol in a ritual, the world responds.

[jelly]

Paragon Sleep results enhancement goes crazy. I took melatonin and set things up so I could have deeper sleep. Got a dream where I was debugging a project with a specific person with me. Code and the different variables were flying all around us. When I woke up I thought the dream made no sense since I already finished debugging it a few days ago.

Guess who I just helped debug a project very similar to mine? We literally had both of them pulled up side by side. Lmfao.

Probably boosted ASBR since that’s what typically gives me those types of dreams. Haven’t had one in a few weeks since my sleep’s been godawful.

[jelly]

I’m like 80% sure I lived through the next few days last night. Went to sleep with multiple things to ask people today and tomorrow. I literally got answers in my sleep? Literally as if I were asking them in the places I’d see them. So I literally didn’t need to ask anything, I just had the answers that I’m fairly confident they’d give and I used that to inform my decisions today.

I got an IC + Primordial Aura NE last week and it’s honestly so interesting. I used my first and last name in it. Immediately got dreams putting me in incredibly uncomfortable positions that felt almost fine-tuned to annoy me. I recognized it in the middle of the night the second night and literally called it out as a clash between my normal way of doing things and what IC is pushing and said to just show it to me. Next dream was about me being pursued by foreign spies and my country’s ones (all women) trying to figure them out. In the middle of the dream I ran into a family member in my house and literally called everyone out telling them to go to the basement until they left. “If you haven’t known me for at least 10 days then go to the basement”, and they all listened. One of the ones on my side tried to go down and I had to grab their arm and tell them to stay. Almost 1:1 with how I deal with recon in real life. It’s very much nitpicky. Outside of my name being called in official settings, I only heard my first and last together when I was in trouble as a kid or when I’m mentally nitpicking myself now. With nothing changing other than the name and module, I’m pretty confident that’s what it is. I hardly ever get IC dreams, let alone multiple nights in a row.

This morning it genuinely felt like I was a different person. My mind was just different. I guess that’s what good sleep will do. I’m lucky that even when my sleep was bad and I had the IC clash, I’ve never had a gap in results. Got a job offer that’s a raise from my last one, accidentally met another one of my school’s deans, manager of the coffee shop I go to caught me outside and recommended me a manga, running into people, and obviously the recent dream stuff. I also walked past a girl smiling at me who I didn’t recognize while writing this, so I know I’m getting immediate results (two or three small ones a day that I notice).

I also took a nap earlier. I like naps since I’m still partially conscious enough to interact with whatever imagery I’m shown. I’m still not one for creating entire dreams, but I do like remembering and trying to decode what’s happening in real time, as well as talk to different parts of myself. It’s almost always in this unconscious language. Sometimes it takes decoding to understand the feeling, but it was really nice today. I’m reconnecting with some older parts I cut myself off from. A decent amount of them social. I like having read Existential Kink because it’s like now I’m trusted seeing more shadow traits. Something that’s fucked up is only fucked up because of the context it’s being viewed in. Like mental disorders just being the overactivity of some perfectly normal trait. The nap felt nice though, comparable to a nap I had after RotNW, but it felt a little different. Utilizing sexual energy but for a different purpose.

I think I’d like to start getting as acquainted with IC as ASBR. It’d be super beneficial considering everything ASBR lets me do, and I’m assuming this seeing a few days into the future thing was a mix of those two and Paragon Sleep. With how much I like RoD, it’d make sense that the newest sleep sub would activate some of the same parts of me. I like being able to overtly feel clashes between a sub and my current way of doing things, it lets me consciously choose to adapt and take on the changes it’s giving. I like challenges though, so that may just be a me thing.

I can do a full loop of ASBR with literally no side effects other than needing 9 hours of sleep that night. Instead of any recon or discomfort I feel even better the next day. I’m definitely getting close to that point of normalcy I reached on the standard build. I’m also pushing myself into a lot more responsibilities, so it’s not like there’s any large reconciliation that needs to happen. Because of the sleep thing I try to space listening out until I know I’ll sleep well, but after a few days I just start wanting it again. It’s really motivating to get work done. I can be exhausted and sleep deprived but if I just think about finishing something, I get this surge of energy to do it. Summertime finally reconciled with it to bring me enjoyment from the things I do rather than the time I spend after doing nothing. I guess ASBR “won” that, although I’ll start running it again once I have some time to relax.

[jelly]

Stressful week, another one coming up but I feel like I should at least talk about this. I found a point of major reconciliation and emotional reactivity a few days ago. Like setting off a landmine. I found it on Inner Circle which I’m currently using a full name embed on. Once I found it I leaned in hard on emphasizing the feeling, since it’s almost guaranteed to lead to growth. The next day was like a really nice bloom. Meanwhile last night was probably one of the most graphic dreams of my life. I’ll spare the details but there were two versions of me, and one of them died in a horrific way that was essentially his worst nightmare. And the other version of me had to witness it as he was the only person trying to save him. Very bloody, very PTSD-esque. I consciously feel neutral but even then acknowledge it was extremely traumatic.

Not the best thing to wake up to, but it is what it is. Predictive dreams feel like a norm even as I rotate different titles out. Probably my favorite result is from an hour ago. I already know Primordial Aura is going strong, but my friend said verbatim “normally with anyone else I don’t feel like drinking, but it’s when you specifically ask I realize how susceptible to peer pressure I am.” Me who’s known her for a few months getting compared to people who have known her for over a year. Direct influencing aura getting used for evil I guess since we started drinking together after I got the NE, lmao.

Anyway, ASBR washout (-> Vibes 4), IC → RAIKOV for the next few days, and Paragon Sleep. I don’t get switch recon and I’m pretty good at timing switches right as current work ends that it doesn’t matter much. It’s almost unfair to people that thought I was cracked before, but I keep being surrounded by geniuses who are always one step ahead of me. I can’t stop until I’m an equivalent to at least anyone I meet. That drive will keep me going until I die.

The dream world has nice parallels to this one, with how I literally think to myself about the different effects I’m getting. There are some old worldviews I used to have that were apparently really accurate that I keep getting spoonfed bit by bit, I probably thought ignorance was better back then. Ideally not, but probably back to lurking for the next week.

The unconscious space where social interaction takes place, subconscious knowledge withheld, the state where true manifestation happens, etc etc. If you’re like me, just find a way to make whatever your wildest dream is seem mundane and complain about it. No greater way of claiming ownership than finding the downside of what anyone else would die for.

[jelly]

Quick addendum that we probably only want to be ourselves. So if you’re not moving in the direction you want to go in, it’s probably because you don’t see yourself in it. Introspection and such and start to show yourself how that thing brings you closer to a truer expression of yourself.

Recon is different and I don’t get overloaded unless I’m really pushing it. I’m assuming most of that dream came from IC but I also think part of it came from me reconciling a bunch of life goal stuff at once, so there really might’ve been a me that “died”.

[jelly]

Maybe I intuitively took a break from ASBR because my mind just wants a break. I just came off a meeting realizing how crazy I sound. I’m coming back from doing 20 hour work weeks on top of classes to jump into finals and projects. One of the things that’s started happening is that I don’t have to think too much about what to say socially and the words just come. I just talked about exhaustion and wanting to sleep despite already getting a decent amount. Even my voice and tone sounded tired. My reasoning for washing out was that I wanted to take a break from academic manifestations since those were happening in droves. They’re probably the most stressful thing to me.

Maybe some self-worth thing, I need to always be doing something and pushing myself. My immediate family always saw it but even I’m starting to now. I’m objectively really successful looking from the outside in, in ways that’d dox me if I talked about them, but it’s always the feeling of “okay, next” after anything. I’m just surrounding myself with stress. I had to get a quick answer on something, so I texted the dean of my school and got it. Cool, but now whenever I open my texts it’s their name near the top. I’m really fortunate that I’m in a situation where I even have their number and they like me, but that very much does not overshadow the fact that I have to feel like I’m on my best behavior whenever their name comes up. It feels like I’m doing a ton of things on the fly and making it work only because it’s me. There’d be no option other than to make it work, it objectively wouldn’t exist. It’s just forcing myself to adapt to anything that happens. And it’s worked out, but my god I need to decompress. Not even stepping out of the identity I’ve created, I just want to spend a few days not having to think.

RAIKOV has helped with memory and studying, but I think it came along with a rush of creativity because I absolutely had to get a music idea out today. I just wanted to be with my keyboard in Logic.

Inner Circle feels like it’s directly telling me what to do. I’ll get that thought randomly after listening. I feel like that’s the major difference other than results just feeling smoother and targeting a deeper part of me. I actually had to start forcing myself to consciously look for IOIs again, I got so used to rationalizing them away that I didn’t even notice when strangers were receptive. I’ll also decide to walk a slightly different way and end up running into friends. I like the way things flow now. I also don’t care that much. Not directly as an IC thing, but it’s like some kind of response to the world. Maybe Divine Dominion but it started a little before I started it again. It’s like some “optimal” way of going through life. Less worries, faster growth since I can abandon anything I don’t like, and surprisingly me explicitly acknowledging that I don’t like certain people and not forcing myself to feel bad about it. I also wouldn’t care about coming off as rude since it’s my life, and I get along with the vast majority of people. It’s also a little like betting, since I mentioned before I’ve never not adapted to something even when people think I’m crazy for trying. So I can essentially bet on it like I always have, and that means I can care even less. The people I actually do need to care about seem fine with me figuring things out on my own, and it keeps working, so maybe things really are okay. Or they’ve always been okay, and I’m the one that wasn’t okay with it.

I also came to a realization about sleep. Since it’s literally your body becoming vulnerable, wouldn’t it be like betrayal if you let yourself sleep in a “not safe” environment? It’s what your body considers not safe. Loud noise? Literally one of the biggest indicators you’re absolutely not safe. Light? Associated with daytime, when you’re typically out in the open and not safe. Mentally overthinking or overstimulated? Why the hell would you be overthinking if you thought you were safe? I will be enjoying going back to sleep in my own bed soon. My childhood bedroom is the epitome of safety to me.

I know something good’s going to happen soon, I think the feeling’s coming from IC but it could be some of Vibes too. Idk, I’m crashing off of caffeine at this point. More introspection to come as I procrastinate take a break from my papers. Here’s to an energy drink free summer (please?).

[jelly]

I won a research award. For a poster that was a first draft since I was busy working on an ML model. For a presentation I didn’t practice since I was also studying for exams.

Ironically it started from me bombing a performance for the first time since probably elementary school. It’s super uncharacteristic of me since I’ve done professional gigs before. Even more so since it was a song I could play with my eyes closed. It’s like I felt the gravity of everyone’s attention for the first time in a while and it knocked everything out of whack. But it didn’t make too much sense to me since I’ve literally learned things on the spot while performing before. It felt similar to what sometimes happens on an exam when I know every bit of material and still manage to fuck it up. So I looked for that feeling and found it. I used RAIKOV to create a sanctuary in that place to keep me as I am. Right plop in the middle of the anxiety. Similar to how I am when I dream or have little mental restrictions which I’ve made a lot more often now. I used that place to study for a specific final and give the research presentation from. They didn’t post the stats from that exam but I’m near 99% sure I was in the top five. I absolutely destroyed my previous scores.

The kind of fucked up part of this is that the moment I got up from performing there was a part of me that was insanely excited. Immensely enjoying the fact that I’d now found a new flaw about myself in one of the most embarrassing ways possible. It wasn’t even embarrassing. I’d found a part of me that wasn’t perfect, so that meant a new area I’d get to feel the satisfaction of becoming perfect in. I make small errors, but it’s never to the point of actually being a flaw in the grand scheme of things. Failures are the fastest way to learn, so maybe I was happy that instead of small nitpicks, there was actually a big issue I had to fix? And I was able to do it in less than two days so maybe there is some part of me that’s just waiting for mistakes it can correct.

I feel like I’m also getting called out more on not celebrating the wins I get. I typically like to have an “onto the next” mindset and not be proud of things in front of people. Got called out two days in a row on it on how I should still acknowledge the role I play in things and not try to say it was luck. I feel like it’s such a weird line to toe that I don’t even want to cross into cocky territory, but I let myself feel happy by myself or with specific people so I make sure I’m rewarding myself too.

Forgot to mention the award came with a cash prize as well. I also just got a raise from my job that I wasn’t expecting.

Hoping I can get a lot out of this next RoD run. Having a Stark Black washout feels actually really good. It feels like everything’s solidified this time instead of other times when I was dependent on the input to push me forward. It’s like it became innate. I’ll force myself to reach those same standards anyway, so it’s not like I need to hear the audio for it right now. A break from it feels nice too. I initially stopped because I wanted to give Inner Circle enough space to make the changes it needed without me feeling forced to compromise, but it just feels like a mental break and letting myself explore other things without the pressure to be perfect at all of them. I like just adapting to things and seeing what happens. I deserve to explore a little before exploiting again. It feels as if I’m reacting to everything like it’s a dream. Just adapt to the environment and forget whatever you thought you were, the true you will follow suit. If something is really a part of you, you don’t need to cling onto it. It’ll be with you regardless.

[Lion]

Congrats on the research award!

[jelly]

Thank you!