Hey guys. Hope you’re all doing well. Got a story/update for you.
Sunday I was at the gym after running a 10 minute loop of EE, and I had several realizations hit me in the face like a freight train.
My entire life I’ve been the “nice guy”. Always putting other people’s opinions and well being above my own. I’ve hated it and it’s been the biggest limiting factor in my life up to this point… Until Sunday.
I was getting ready to start my warm up, but another gentleman was using the space I wanted to use. He had headphones in, and I was taught to never interrupt somebody mid set to avoid injuring them. So I tried just moving his stuff slightly closer to him so I could do my warm up in the same general area. He didn’t say anything to me, but as he walked away, I started reading way too much into his body language and immediately internalized it as a screw up on my part.
The next 90 minutes were spent locked in my mind palace, replaying that incident over and over and pondering why I acted the way I did. It quickly escalated into a full blown self examination and I was able to identify several beliefs I live by that were formed from some trauma from my childhood, specifically being locked in the teenage equivalent of solitary confinement for several hours due to a panic attack caused by separation anxiety. Yes, that was an actual event that happened to me when I was about 13
The beliefs that I internalized from that event were:
“I need people to like me because if they don’t, my personal safety may be threatened.”
“Voicing my opinions, setting healthy boundaries and asking for what I want/need to be happy only leads to ostracization and imprisonment”
“Other people’s opinions take priority over my own happiness”
The rest of Sunday was spent reading through the forum on here trying to decide what program would be best suited to help me learn to love and prioritize myself. I also reached out to my good friend @Serafim for advice. I’m happy to report that his advice of Love Bomb and Primal combined was exactly what I needed.
Just 90 seconds of each one Monday evening changed my entire world view. Since then, I’ve noticed several key changes to mindset. I went to the gym again Tuesday and started deadlifting. Instead of pushing myself, chasing this toxic notion that the only way I could get a girl to like me was if I’m built like a Greek statue, and thus further increasing the risk of injury, I instead opted to intentionally take weight off the bar to practice what I jokingly referred to as “self love reps” in that I was strengthening my love for myself as much as I was strengthening my muscles. It felt amazing!
Later that afternoon, I was walking through the mall while waiting for my brother to be done at his eye appointment. As I’m walking, I noticed more and more frequently how completely grounded in my own reality I was. I was no longer constantly looking around, seeing who was looking at me, trying to be noticed, while looking like I was indifferent.
I just WAS indifferent. And the few times that my anxiety would rear it’s ugly little head, it was immediately squashed and tossed out the door like Steve Urkel. And with every consecutive time it happened, my smile grew bigger and bigger.
Because for the first time in my life, the love and respect I have for myself is stronger and more important to me than the insignificant opinions of random strangers!!!