I am having very hard times, and recently, thoughts of suicide is coming to my head. I have developed lots of issues in the last 4-5 years! I would like to share here about those in details. Maybe you guys could help, give advice
• I started masturbating to porn from age 12. I slowly grew the habit, and internet was also becoming more and more available, easy to access. I have been a chain-masturbator from then! I couldn’t live without it a single week… I would do it 2-3 times a week, but each time I started to masturbate like 5-6 times! Sometimes, my penis started bleeding, my balls became very painful. I believe, from there, I started to develop sexual damages. My penis is terribly curved on the direction I masturbate aggressively (like a banana, curve towards up, and very steep curve!). I can’t pee if penis is erected because of this kind of bend! I blow my load within 5-10 seconds of masturbating now (I believe I have created Premature Ejaculation issue). My hair is falling very fast (already baldness is noticed above forehead), my eye sight is drastically decreased. I feel low all the time. No motivation, no drive to do something in life! Yet, I can’t stop this life damaging habit! I can stop for maybe 2 weeks, and then, again, urge takes control.
• Perfectionist Procrastination. Every time I masturbate, I feel guilty after the event. Then, I slowly gain motivation to stop this addiction, start doing something in life. I plan many things! I start as plan, and within next 3-7 days, I lose all motivation. Jerk off some porn, give up everything, Feel guilty again. And then, Again, I start gaining motivation to change my life forever, plan on something…. And my cycle goes on… it’s a vicious cycle! And I am on it for last 4-5 years maybe. I think, I want everything perfect, not expecting anything outside my plan, and even if they happen, I would lose motivation, give up on plan. And start over with new plan… another vicious cycle!
• Where the pain started. My failure with girls. I think I was a “nice guy” from my childhood, and maybe my family life affected me to be that character! More on that later… I think, I started to feel attraction for women in my coaching classes from class 8 in high school, Before that, I rarely met girl-classmates, as I was in a boys high school. I liked girls from there. Somehow managed to talk with some of them, and they became my good friends! I mean, I got a group of girls (17 of them as far as I remember) who talked with me in coaching class. I liked some of them. I was very “nice” with them. I even proposed one, and got rejected! That was my first proposal, and first rejection! Heartbroken me got obsessed with that girl. I was thinking about her all day long! Then I created another trauma in my mind called “imaginary relationships”. I would imagine all the things with her (mostly negative, and that emotion was addictive too). I was also ashamed of the situation. Finally the coaching was over, and one girl from there remained very good friend of mine. Other women just didn’t talk with me after that rejection! We remained friends for 2-3 more years, and I fell for her too! Btw, I was also very “nice” with her. In the mean time, I “discovered” PUA, read stuffs, and realized that I was very nice with this girl, and she was just using me for her advantages! I proposed her with confession, and got rejected too!
Anyway, after I joined university one year ago, I disconnected all contacts with my previous friends, that girl too… I wanted to start my life again with new motivation, friends in the varsity. I joined Architecture. Now architecture is really interesting to me as I never expected to study it before, I was like a study guy who would read books, do maths! Architecture is about creativity, making things out of nowhere, travelling to see different architecture, sculpture! I enjoyed, and pretty much forgot my past life. But Pornography, masturbation habit remained! Perfectionism remained. Vicious cycles remained! Then…
In university, I met lots of hot women! But Mr nice guy is still virgin, masturbate to porn, and wonder how some guys just get these hot girls with very short time, make them their girlfriend, fuck them, then leave them for more!!
Here, in varsity, I met women! Again, I proposed a woman I like, and got rejected. She is my classmate. I lost the friendship between us, and she started to ignore me! Now, I am stuck with a cancer in my class! Everyone knows about this rejection in my class, We meet everyday in class but don’t talk. It is very weird, embarrassing for me! I lost my focus, joy of architecture too because of some BS I have done so far! Every girl friendzone me! I don’t know what to do! Now I wonder, even if I marry someone, they will cheat on me! And I am frustrated too! As I see my classmates, cousins fuck lots of women, and I can’t! I am helpless!
• My childhood. The strictness of my mother. My mother has been very strict about me from my childhood. She kept me away from many things. I believe, that affected my natural growth, and maturity! I always feared her from childhood. She never let me go outside, so I am an introvert now, I have social anxiety, I fear to meet new people, talk to new people! I still properly don’t know many things as an adult. I can’t shop alone, I don’t know roads very well, I can cook though(LOL)… After coming to university, I have met classmates who are far far mature than me, so that made me question my current position. I am also not very free with my family, as I have grown shame about me! I can’t even discuss my issues with them now. Even if I do, what may they do! I am bringing this childhood issues, because, it is possible that, many things from my past are blocking me! My cousins used to bully me because they thought I walked like strange! I was also a fat kid then! My mom always adviced me to stay away from girls, relationships, these are not good etc etc…
• Present Depression, Negativity. I am very fed up with my life. I am frustrated because I don’t know how to get out of these! I want a happy life, I want to get free from my dependence of my family, make money, do something in life, get women. But these are not happening! I am very depressed! I drink coffee all day, because I think it makes me relief a bit from thinking too much. I am addicted to caffeine too! Negative thoughts, imaginations come to my mind always. Blood flow to my brain when I imagine negative things. Still I can’t stop them. My condition has become like Chester Bennington of Linkin Park band who suicided few months ago! His song “Heavy” kind of relates to me!
I don’t know how am I gonna get out of these, sometimes I think of suicide. I have lost the rhythm, joy of life. I am boring, depressed, sexually, mentally damaged. I am immature, I suck with women, I think negative(stroke can happen from these kind of BS thinking), I think negatively what never happened, and won’t happen, and feel the anger in my mind. Crazy!! I think I will become a perfect mad soon! Classmates friendzone me, I don’t like what I am studying now, so I procrastinate on my projects. Help me!!! I don’t wanna die like this!!!