Today I walk up, startled by my brother. I woke up with a nervous energy and usually when, in the past, I would feel nerves all over my body, I would rub my thing down there, to release the tension in my body. It was almost like automatic to the point where it became a nasty habit. Like if I would feel very anxious, sometimes it would be from drinking too much caffeine and feeling jitters and extreme nervousness. I’m caffeine sensitive but yet drink caffeine lol. But anyways, today the thought of masturbating didn’t even occur to me. Maybe it did for a fraction of a second but quickly dissipated. I had unhealthy ways of dealing with stress or tension in the past, but so far this is a good sign that my custom is working. It’s been a week or so since watching porn and there’s no urge to watch it either. The last time I used my custom was on the 9th so it might be going into execution mode. It’s funny, when I’m using any sub or custom, when I’m running it, I get the opposite(at times) of what I’m trying to achieve. For example, when running stop porn and masturbation, I feel more urge to watch porn and masturbate but, when I’m on a washout or have long breaks in between, i find myself easily resisting porn. I only ran this custom for 3 processing days but used all 15 mins. My last run day is on the 19th. Will see how it affects after the 21 days are up. I usually see a big bloom after 21 days, during a washout.
Recon has been here and there, coming and going. At one point I felt like everyone hated me because they saw how fast I was improving and developing that all they could do is tear me down when I was not around, which happened with one of my coworkers at my new job. When I’m there, he’s super friendly and buddy, buddy but when I’m not there, another coworker told me that he was talking bad about me.
I also started noticing the toxic thinking patterns I have sometimes that hold me back from dating gorgeous women. All my life I’ve been treated like shit by my parent, so when someone would do something good for me I would literally feel uneasy or uncomfortable. Not making any excuses but I think thats how I develop my self sabotage. It’s not that I want to self sabotage but it’s that the results I’m getting are unfamiliar and not used to it. Which makes It hard because you can easily pass off good results as nothing or coincidence. Learned helplessness turns into learned hopefulness, slowly. For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m making drastic changes. I finally moved on from a dead end job that was hurting my self esteem. Very soon, I will be moving out off a toxic family house that has been nothing short of degrading and stunning my emotional growth. This may not seem like a big deal but looking at my siblings who live with me and my mom, it’s depressing and sad. All of them should be in high places in life but there potential is stunted and they don’t seem to want to moved it even though two of them have a bachelor’s degree in a good field but yet they self sabotage where they are working regular dead end jobs. Two of my brothers have moved out and came back which makes me wonder sometimes if they have a mommy issue. Which baffles me because the house hold we are in right now is very toxic, everyday mom is always yelling, gaslighting, verbally fighting with people(unprovoked) putting people down, manipulating etc, when I was younger, it was worse, but for the first time in my life I’m actually taking the necessary steps to be on my own and to actually begin true healing.
