Around 6am in the morning. Sleep nowhere in sight.
My last post was a reminder to myself on why I embarked on this season, to stick with it.
Been feeling the pull to continue forging for almost a week now. Given it time to wear off, expecting it to be recon, but its only getting stronger.
Now, its reached the crux where I can’t even sleep without getting the message.
It’s been an extremely hectic week and stressful to say the least.
So much drag that listing them and their extents feel like whining rn. And it showed clearly on me.
The endpoint is that I made it through and plans set in motion are reaching completion.
Also, no sub use since last Monday.
It’s already a made decision.
The push to external action came into balance immediately I decided to move my focus outwards, and honestly, it tracks.
I’ve been on insane internal focus for the past two years, with varying levels of action involved. The growth has been insane, to the point where comparison will be unfair.
Although I’m not exactly where I want to be internally, the sheer amount of work done calls for external balance/reflection.
I also realize that given my predisposition, everyone sub I used has actually been turned inwards in some way, even ASBR.
Shifting the gear this inwards feels overkill for now. And I’m really fiending for more action, despite my subs working exactly as intended.
I’ll probably return to deep internal focus for 1-2 months next winter.
I continuously got the ping that I had seriously dipped into my reserves and I was still drawing more, like constant reminders for close to 20 mins a time.
I have this entire week as my reset week. Using it for my scheduled gut detox and some deep rest.
My sub use this week will reflect this.
Been trying to include new LBFH in a custom to no avail, @William reports just made the craving deeper.
Stack for the week is LBFH, PEACE and Paragon.
More changes will probably be made to others, for now, switching I AM//A//F to Conqueror’s Delight, which will come in from next Saturday.
Hasn’t even been that long since I posted and a couple of the materials needed for my detox is getting delayed.
Might have to shift detox week and use this time for more focused effort on upskilling.
But I don’t want my detox week to be delayed by a whole month
LBFH 00:15, Paragon 00:15 yesterday.
Finally having my first good sleep in weeks. Slept late as usual, but slept good.
Detox materials have been delayed, despite paying for priority delivery. Instead, I’m taking this week for relaxation and small studying if I feel like.
Been increasingly told that I looked stressed.
I mostly keep my disposition friendly, and moving between extreme playful mischievousness and sharp edge when required.
I’ve also learned to communicate better.
Took me a lot of growth to get to this point.
For this I’m very grateful.
What is mostly left is allowance and repetition. Allowing skills to flow towards a consciously chosen outcome and getting the reps in.
The inhibition being low self-love in the form of undirected selfishness.
To be more specific, I don’t allow myself to reach my goal if others’ and their emotions aren’t accounted for.
Despite moral, ethical and logical alignment, I feel considerable amounts of guilt if I’m not of service or “sacrificing” (quotation marks, as I feel several interpretations pop up, very open ended)
Worked on this with multiple different subs, with the growth being able to consciously override in minute cases. However, the emotional aspect is still generated at whatever scale the case may be.
Expressing this wasn’t my initial intention when I started this post, but seeing how it switched a bit into the post, LBFH is probably helping with this.
It seems not sacrificing is equated/interpreted as hurting someone.
It gets more interesting because I’ve always remembered the exact encounter that seeded the foundation for this.
I’ve gotten multiple interpretations of it, but this particular one is a first.
One scenario dissected and interpreted from so many perspectives, then layered in levels of connections.
I wonder what more was interpreted.
Ran my loop of LBFH on my way to go pick up an item.
I tried to communicate warmth and refined friendliness. Think of GLM/E:R.
The other party cycled from friendly, to attracted, to intimidated, to withdrawn, to something ambiguous, and started trying to return to their baseline?
It seems the other party is usually friendly but got quite disrupted by the energy coming off me, even beyond my conscious communication.
A while later I began to feel the intense stress piled up in my body being allowed to come to the surface for acknowledgement. I am tired, severely so.
I’m guessing the stress that came up unconsciously seeped into my energy, got transmitted to her, and caused the disruption for her.
It must have been more confusing, given that it didn’t match my external presentation. Which gave her no way to interpret the stress she was feeling. Then she went inwards to redefine her own state, rather than being moved by what was transmitted.
Only one way to find out.
Keep exploring.
Words as vessel of intent
Both are usually mixed and can be ambiguous.
I find I use words to steer my being by asking questions or making remarks. Interestingly, they work even without the corresponding emotion attached, to varying degrees.
Then I get an answer and the intent is to capture that answer, kind of like a frame freezer. Herein come the intent to express.
Sometimes it comes so literally in a sense that is already captured, eg
Other times I have to do the capturing(mythologizing).
There are still two more interesting things to note.
EDIT: Yes, the better way to put it is that they have spatial qualities.
Wonder, imagine, vision, sovereign, paradox, interesting, I, you, energy, vessel, form, reality, mirror, behold, if, own, belong, perhaps, maybe, do, when, destroy, like, ?, —,
The ones with personalized interpretations
How, can, yes, no, wait, what, me, why, I, you, ?
That is a contributor to a question I’ve been asking myself with increasing frequency, with no concrete answer for myself
Where do ideas come from?
Actually, I have answers. I just want something concrete that accounts for all of them
Another day of damn good sleep!!
Throat and nose infection cleared up, after over a week.
Nutrition is less horrible than it was.
Lost majority of my muscle size, but the frame still remains. People around me are commenting on it.
Less willing to add size, till I cover my basics (nutrition, fascia health, more mobility).
Connective tissue improvement. Probably contributed to my strength increase.
Lost 2” from my already tiny waist (guessing stress & nutrition)
Actually testing all my health tools. Found my grounding sheet I’d used for months to be defective, maybe even contributed to some health issues I’m experiencing now.
Dialed back on the extreme desire for perfection in reducing toxins. What use is an overhaul if I can find suitable replacements? Going slowly now.
My new space is slowly but surely coming together.
Still feels extremely quiet and requires me to pay attention to see what is happening.
Erections in morning as usual, and more sublime other times.
Reduction in over sensitivity/responsiveness in arousal pathways. Original goal in using KB St2 in Streams of Vitality. The work continues till it flows with my will.
Watched some porn after about two years (never masturbated), but I wasn’t mostly watching. 90% of my attention went to just being still and observing aspects of my body that were aroused and keeping them still.
After that, every moment of arousal becomes an opportunity for mindfulness, like mini-meditations each time. It felt like a switch, combined with momentarily loaded repetitions to solidify ability to use the switch.
Little man seems bigger. Sometimes it also feels he is missing, but when I move my focus there, he’s there, just very still?
I feel robust kind of bigger, expanded and strong (like a metal stele) all at the same time. A new sensation.
My energy seems withdrawn into me. It’s so subtle and feels contained somewhere deep down inside. Doing its own thing.
I’m guessing it’s gently being used to nourish the energy pathways.
how exactly are you planning to address that?
Mostly using Hyperarch Fascia training by Dr Chong Xie. I find that most of the other trainings and “new research” are actually derivatives of his work.
He tailored his training to mostly professional athletes and made it kind of expensive.
However, he has the beginner (except breathe annd nutrition) exercises on his YouTube channel, which I actually think are enough for the regular person.
Used it on and off with some results.
Thank you!
Energy flows where attention flows, literally.
I have quite an active imagination, especially sexually.
It been hastening to frequently that fantasizing about people seems to influence how they relate with me. Regardless of distance.
It’s extremely obscure but the transfer of energy is felt.
Casually fantasizing and going about my day is literally unnecessary leakage, because doing so was not my intention, that was me letting myself go.
The interesting part is that energy and information are being transmitted in every moment of existence. Focusing attention & energy (varying amounts) just amplifies it.
More things I just remembered to note.
Had a period where my already quick reflexes were going haywire due to overprediction, which then contributed to clumsy behavior where my reflex would be applied, literally looked like a tweaking robot.
Once I recognized it as a form of overcompensating in order to feel safe, I began to settle.
I’ve been more composed for quite a while now. Being shocked lasts milliseconds. It’s kinda different from the somatic/energetic groundedness from WANTED.
Only need to remind myself that I’m safe and then I settle. Somehow I can also feel IF I’m in danger a bit more.
Shit. Forgot what I wanted to write
Have you ever poured a river into a cup?
How did that feel?
Where you okay?
With yourself?
Cores
Khan St3
Wanted
World
It Always Rises
Art of Trust
Main Character Energy
Physical
Irresistible Relaxation
Stonelike
Harmonic Singularity
Boosters
Omnidimensional
Mosaic
New custom came in yesterday and I ended up running it. Nothing to note for now.
Am I the only one that gets this irritated at poorly expressed creativity? With movies being the most discussing of them all.
Like people read the script, oversaw both pre and post production and was like “yep, we outdid ourselves on this one, we’ll go with this retarded shit🙌”
Usually I stop at the slightest hint of bs, but I had hope for this one.
Damn. Someone give me back my time.
Vision tempered by philosophy.
I see.
My self authored world is still taking shape.
Redefining those structures are necessary.
I understand why I had to shift gears for the moment.
Please, don’t be too long.
Was writing a post and halfway, when I realized quite a bit of my posts are quite open ended (based on my memory of them).
Now, to ask myself, why?
Quite a bit of the human experience is varied and subjective. Assuming myself a representative that can account for these myriad experiences would be ignorant of me.
I am not their truth
There are possibly objective patterns that best mirror these myriad experiences.
Receiving these patterns, and then, communicating them to the best of my ability is my favorite pastime.
Their interpretation is left for them to define.
Courtesy of my RoS run last summer.
@SaintSovereign you guys hiring any script writers?🫣