So I have been holding off switching and thinking that Mind’s Eye and Emperor might help me with my studies, but these particular modules at university are really challenging. They are number-based, which is my weakness. I have been keeping with these 2 in my stack for one reason or another (I didn’t want to quit), but seeing as I am really struggling with these modules in terms of my learning ability, motivation, actual studying and putting the work in, thus to be able to complete my assignments effectively and in actuality, I think I am gonna have to drop Emperor and Mind’s Eye, as they are not helping me. I didn’t want to admit it, as I thought I might just be quitting too soon. I don’t believe I can learn the material, it is tedious, I don’t believe I can complete my assignments, I feel like I am gonna fail because I just don’t see how I am gonna be able to do it.
I have gone off visualising, if anything it is just ONE BIG TEASE of a life that I do not have. Yeah, feels great for a while, but then I am just living in my imagination, and I start to realise the reason I am doing this, is because my current physical reality is not how I want it to be. Imagination starts to be more and more appealing, and before I know it, physical life is not that great. I’d rather just close my eyes and live there, indefinitely. Why come back? This leads to thoughts of “I could just end my life and I won’t have to deal with any of this shit”, I wouldn’t end my life, but the thought of it feels pretty nice.
I have a few things in my life that I am not happy about, but this learning, studying, motivation to do so and actually completing my assignments have to take priority I think, otherwise, I will fail.
So my question is, is Limitless the best for this? or not?
Now my other dilemma is, Emperor has made me desire a new life and a new relationship, that is different to the one I have. It has basically been pulling me to pieces and even making me face some hard truths, that I wouldn’t like to admit, i.e. increased my standards, preferences and made me realise what I am lacking by slapping me in the face to not settle for less than what I want. But with no means to get it. So it is like hitting my head again a brick wall and there never being a breakthrough.
What I decide from this point onwards will either take me towards success or failure.
Today is my first day of washout and if I am being honest my mind is quite frantic and all over the place. I just want to write on here and get some advice, as I have no support other than myself. I am finding it hard.
I am also on Wanted, but I seriously do not know what it is doing at this point, I am mainly using it for the physical shifting. As my physical attractiveness is linked to my insecurities.
As I have contrast in my relationship, and not wanting to admit that these thoughts of desiring something else is a red flag, and I still don’t want to listen to it, I don’t want to give in to it and I feel vulnerable even mentioning it to be honest, as I have conflicting thoughts, feelings and ideas around it, but deep down there is a part of that does desire something else, but I dislike that part of me. Apart from me thinking it is enhanced because of recon, another part of me thinks that it is a deep truth to it and just writing this and saying this I feel sad, I feel hurt, not just about myself but for me even thinking that about my relationship and her, but my desire for something else is super strong. I am conflicted.
I will see what direction I want to go after a good wash out, hopefully, I will know what is best for me and I will be able to go towards the right things that can help me. But right now, life is just ONE BIG CON. I can’t believe from a higher level I signed up to this shit LOL.
If I didn’t kill myself, the next best thing would be Astral Projection X, huh? LOL.