That makes two of us, but we are actively doing something about it which puts us ahead of most people.
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Something happened in my thinking the last half of the day, and I’m feeling kind of sad, and uncertain.
I’m going to share what happened, for I’m still discounting it.
I’ve been working with a Haitian driver, and we’ve enjoyed some laughs, as much of what we speak about is wide open for making fun of. We talk about work mostly. My sarcasm is rampant, and he hides his well (he won’t smile or laugh until I crack up most days.)
Well, one sarcastic thing he’s said daily to me is “you’re bad”, as he acts authoritarian and I’m (supposedly) making wrong decisions or judgements on the job.
Well, I internalized this today. It felt similarly to how my mom treated us, or possibly, how I’ve treated myself for years since childhood. I felt like a highly visible target for blame–which seems to be why I don’t go out and socialize much. Avoiding blame and accusation are IMO reasons for being “nice” too. Guilt and blame were used like mental and emotional torture weapons while growing up. Blame could and would be used at any time.
I felt guilty for an hour or so, wondering what might be happening with DR. No clue. I listened to a loop of DR while heading back to the shop. Then, feeling lonely and in need (it was only partially kept in; I’ve worn emotions on my sleeve lately), I ended up joining some coworkers in the parking lot but I never spoke. I felt like I was in high school again, playing a wallflower. And today, just like in high school, I really didn’t want to share it. I just wanted to feel safe around others who weren’t family.
It’s like I had emotional flashbacks today. Listening to music now, crying some.
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I had some connecting thoughts come up, some I can’t deny.
In the morning while working, my attention was consumed by looking for women I’d see on our route. Some were driving, some were around their homes, and my imagination was going wild. I was open and willing to discover someone somewhere.
I did have an embarrassing and authentic moment when I acted immature with a cashier in a store for lunch. I told her I was embarrassed (I really was), and I took her reaction as a sign that I was being real. I’d go back.
And around the time my coworker made his comments, I connected my mom’s treatment of us…with women around me. Looking at women just stopped for me. Too much pain and fear to process, so I tried to lock up my feelings. I ended up being quiet most of the afternoon. No loud grudge. I was in self-protection mode.
This clicked for me. It’s why I’ve never dated much at all. I was avoiding these pains, fears, and memories from surfacing.
Do you think DR will help you solve this?
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Definitely. How? I have no clue, but ain’t worrying about it. Looking over this journal yesterday, I found myself worrying and fearing a lot.
But that stuff almost never happens.
Stage 1 brought this up. Stage 2 is close, and it speaks of actual healing. I’m sure it’ll do something. I’m praying for it.
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I’m sure it will help.
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DR St1
Day 28
One loop this morning already
@Hoppa, I wasn’t proud of my reaction to your question last night. I felt I was curt with you, as I pasted a nasty image in my head and responded. I apologize for that.
I still feel like I was seriously shaken yesterday from what came up. I had a negative feeling about listening when I woke up. I listened anyway. Feeling low, so I first got up and drank some water since I don’t normally feel like this. Others have said lack of water can bring on recon. It’s helping.
I’m honestly in a spot where I care less about why this or why that. I used to hide in my intellect. Still do sometimes. How do I handle feeling unsure and just needing to emote? What am I afraid of?
I’m facing the issue of not abandoning myself right now.
No need to apologize 
I asked a simple question and you gave one. I didn’t take it in any negative way, just an answer.
But now I am interested in why you felt like that? To me this was just a simple Q & A.
Maybe something to do with cultural differences? I’m a Finn and we tend to be extremely direct and to the point.
As a side note, I used to be quiet and introverted in Finnish standards.
When I got older I have opened up considerably. I put lots of concious effort into it.
I’m still introverted and find social interactions tiring, but I can handle them easily.
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I’ve still had remnants of resentments towards my brothers. Childhood expectations not met. Pair that with feeling vulnerable sharing with men (or brother replacements), and I was tempted to shoot back stuff since I was wide open emotionally.
It’s not your fault in any way. This is stuff I’ve lived with for ages.
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I had an early day with only 8 hours, and I’ve been home for 2 hours. My sister invited me for dinner, and I accepted. Gotta shower still.
What’s on my mind now?
My bitcoin miner has been trading cryptos to gain the needed funds for extraction. We’re almost there. I’m emotionally unsteady right now (a mix between excitement and sadness) since … well, I’ve had fears of allocating it incorrectly. Fuck.
I’ve been thinking of the new module Virtue Series: Temperance since it focuses on scarcity thinking along with delaying gratification. I’m not considering a custom presently, but I am wondering how to balance emotional healing with financial peace of mind.
Said simply, it’s kind of fucked up having a shitload of money and having childlike fears too. Maybe it’s not fucked up, but I feel underprepared. Who actually prepares for a major influx of money in their lives? I did write one financial consultant though in the last hour. So many unanswered questions, mostly about tax deferment, trusts, and the like.
Edit: my miner’s committed to getting this out before Christmas. I was doubting quietly, and then he told me of our very small amount left, and I’m feeling frazzled. I’ve never done this.
@Fire, do any of the financial subliminals have modules which help you believe your wealthy and worthy of it? I’ll check out EOG’s sales page, but I’m wondering about this believing in myself and handling large amounts of money. HOM?
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Makes total sense. I have made so many financial mistakes because I was raised by people who either claimed to be broke all the time although they pissed away money on stupid unnecessary shit or with my father and stepmother hid from debt collectors
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ST 1 – Ecstasy of Freedom
The stage that will release all beliefs that hold your wealth-creating potential back. No more will you be held back by beliefs of your family, friends, society or your self-doubting voice that tell you that lacking and poverty is the only way of life – you will experience true freedom, and the ecstasy that comes from experiencing it and the wealth coming with it. Negative manifestations that you might have been manifesting subconsciously will be removed, as well as any negative beliefs you might have picked up from any other source, be it a less than proper subliminal or simply living your normal day-to-day life and being told that poverty is your only option.
Your mind will open, your horizons will widen, your creativity will be unleashed, detrimental thinking patterns affecting your abundance and productivity will be easily removed, allowing you to glide freely and easily towards your limitless, endless, complete financial abundance. Take a moment to relax and to simply imagine how it would feel to be able to buy anything at any time, be it a car, an apartment or a vacation, without even having to look at your balance.
That is the Ecstasy of Freedom.
From personal experience, it works.
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Thanks for speaking up @James. We’re not alone. Rewriting some history in our brains is growing us both more than we know.
I read @Hoppa’s comment after yours, and EOG does seem alluring. Easy does it, easy does it (those words are for me actually )
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It’s weird. I loved EOG St1, which I did almost 2 months. I quit since…I wanted it to root more deep stuff out (like DR’s doing). I was stuck with being mentally devoted to protecting my mom, and she believed she was helpless to poverty. This was my model. But the roots of my issues were still holding their ground. One focus at a time (though I questioned myself while writing that)
I’ll keep my ears open.
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You’re welcome.
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@subliminalguy I am thinking that we will be more prepared to run EOG after we complete Dragon Reborn
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@subliminalguy I am still obviously holding off until I complete Dragon Reborn but given how virtually all of my stress is financially related EOG makes the most sense
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DR St1
Day 29
One loop while writing
I’m thinking that too. It’s impatience that fights it.
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As Dragon Reborn removes everything from your psyche and rejuvenates you with the Fire of the Dragon – would you say it also works on limiting beliefs regarding Wealth similar to how EOG does it?
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I find DR works on my limiting “values” of things. For example, DR says “this is important, and that has value, but this over here you’re holding onto with a death grip. Let’s look at that”.
Call them limiting beliefs, but my heart hangs onto a lot more than necessary. What I value I incorporate into my life.
I’ve always thought money was just intellectual stuff, not heart related. However, as I take more responsibility for it in my life–and this affects relationships–I’m finding a lot more heart connections. So, it’s doing powerful work on those heart strings.
Maybe if I guided it to more money-related stuff it’d show itself more. I’m unsure how to do that honestly. Stacking?
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