@Hoppa, I read about your family being stuck overseas. I’d be swimming in a host of emotions if I had to face this. Do you have any possible timeframe as to when they’ll be able to return? That’s a tough situation
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No idea… I have to head out there first when I can.
There’s also chinese bureaucracy to deal with, as my son on is half Chinese/half Finnish. We have to go deal with his paperwork in Beijing and it isn’t easy to travel there either because of the Covid.
They’ve been there now for over a year… My son will be 3 years old this month. He learned to speak there, but only Mandarin, so no common language yet between us.
We’ll see, hopefully with the vaccines I’ll be able to go there soon.
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Just got home from doing laundry. I ran Ascension v.2 in my pocket, and I noticed something which saddens me for some reason.
I realized I wasn’t using emotional masks in front of people. While walking around the plaza to pass time, I felt…stronger. I was willing and able to look people in the eyes unafraid, which says a LOT. I didn’t doubt myself, and I carried myself proudly. I wasn’t seeking confirmation from others as well.
This was a nice experience.
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DR St1
Day 19
One loop played already
I slept lightly, then woke up an hour earlier than normal. Knowing I wasn’t tired enough to sleep, I put on DR.
I felt uncomfortable playing it for some reason, and I’ve not had this feeling so far. I played the whole loop, sensing a scared part of me awakening. After finishing, I laid down and slept again.
I got up 10 minutes ago. I’m sensing DR is going straight to my experiences with my mom. I’ve literally tried to bury and stuff these down for ages. My stomach and body hold fear, but my mind senses a future with less fear, so it’s wanting to go forward.
Right now I feel my stomach trying to hold the fear and sadness down. I’ve never had any similar experience like this. Counseling, therapy, self-help groups, subliminals, nothing’s ever done this.
And I’m so used to fighting change. That’s what scares me. Hopefully DR will hit this like it did with my sister. I assumed defeat, but went forward anyway.
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Had a nasty bit of reconciliation today. I realized I’ve been so dependent on people here to lift me up and hold me up, and something in me wanted to do my own thing. To stop writing. I was in a “Fuck YOU!!” mood. I wanted to REBEL.
Part of it is jealousy. Jcast is kicking ass–but he’s been pushing his loop amounts. I did a check on myself. I’m playing “safe”, not messing with loops (or change–at all). THIS pissed me off. I’m “avoiding conflict” essentially so I’ll be “safe”. Safe sucks though. No life in it.
I’m doing a 3rd loop now. I may do a 4th. What do I want? I want to not be so fragile that my world goes to shit when I’m getting no attention. That is pure immaturity, and I got pissed today.
I know we all depend on others sometimes. I’ve just been tied to old beliefs of my worth and my value, and since I’m teetering presently, I’m saying fuck it. Going to shake my shit.
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I believe the technical term is " clinically insane "
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I feel better this morning. I did 4 loops last night, doing one now, and a long sought after feeling–playing the victim–I could not bring up. Awesome.
I also began taking Vitamin D along with K last night. I was reminded of its value, and while looking at a site, I found it works for depression. I’ve seen this come up in me a few times on St1. I feel good and energized now.
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Rooting out victim mentality is itself a victory. There’s no greater poison than the one coming from ourselves in which we convince our own self that we aren’t enough to deal with life
As the Fire of the Dragon melts away your insecurities, you will be renewed in your self-worth
Remember it is ST1, my friend. It’s tough but it will be over sooner than you know
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Thanks Raphael.
While feeling real grumpy this morning, I think I know what it’s working on.
That root is abandonment. I’ve felt that and felt really angry lately.
I’m at work and will share more later
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DR St 1
Day 20
3 loops so far today; doing a 4th now
First off, I wanted to say the longer I use DR, the more I feel like an adult. While driving home, that feeling hit me, and I felt more able to face the world as an adult.
Now, I wrote earlier knowing DR is hitting that major wound in me, and it is abandonment. Just taking a quick mental overview of my life, that wound and the beliefs it created formed my world. I’m nice to people so I’ll see some kind of love–but I simultaneously don’t get too close. If I do, you may leave, and it might feel like I was 2 years old and helpless. No, I’ll stay back. I’ll smile, interact, but not commit. I know my eyes tell others I’m not here to stay. I think I mix ideas of love with this pain of abandonment, and using DR now, well, let’s just say I’m on for the ride. I won’t even pretend to know what the hell I’m doing. Going there raises fears and pushes up anger to–push others away (hurt them first before they hurt me). It’s a lonely existence.
And after I wrote the message above while at work (end of lunch), I felt soft. 20 minutes into work, and I began crying. I’m on the back of a garbage truck, and I’m weeping. It lasted less than 5 minutes, but it felt good letting tears go.
Then, 30 minutes later, a customer comes out with 2 envelopes while we service his house, one for me and one for the driver. Christmas tips, and I swear I heard him say it was $50 for me and my family (it was $10). I began crying even before we left his yard. I specifically remember putting the blame on God when this happened, like an angry, unspoken “real funny, God” since I felt so raw.
I’m also very aware of when I’m considering abandoning myself. For example, sometimes I write here around the issues I’m facing by being intellectual and wordy. That is the hardest part of me writing using healing subliminals. DR is no joke, and it’s ripping up everything I’ve held to, whether it was imaginary—well, it’s all imaginary. Being emotionally honest is tough some days, but it’s not the hell I’ve read about on Kahn St1 and St2. It’s doing real work, and I’m feeling scared–of my memories and my imagination. That’s scary to write. It is my everyday reality.
On a positive note, DR does have a knack for softening the edges of my fears. It either gives me strength, reminds me of my strength, or does some mental magic on my perceptions. I think of my visit with my sister.
That’s all I got. Dropping into bed now.
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DR St 1
Day 21
3 loops today. Listening to Elixer now
I feel different today. I did 3 loops total today.
I’ll draw it out. I’m used to feeling scared when writing. And with this, my body’s usually tense. A tight stomach. Breathing’s short. Just plain afraid.
To share more physical norms, when driving for work, I’m tense and try to be very precise. I drove today, and I was building a case in my head that fear was good for driving. …maybe. I realized I wasn’t being so observant like I normally am. I’ll pay attention to myself more.
Back to writing. I usually am so fearful of rejection or dismissal–and I just realized those were my thoughts, not someone else’s. If I feel I missed something or conveyed something unclearly, I …reject that part of me. This happens daily when writing.
But I didn’t come to rehash my past. I felt pretty good today all day, plus I shed some tears. Tears lately have felt more like actual releasing, and it always feels better letting stuff go.
No major explosions of anger. The one time I easily emoted was when I heard a song I’ve never heard. He sung he was fretting life’s major responsibiliies, and then his infant daughter grabbed his finger and held tight. He quickly corrected his anxious mindset knowing why she was there: life’s too short. Love the ones you’re with (no, it’s not that old one)
It was a good day, and I feel good. Dropping early tonight
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DR St1
Day 22
One loop presently
Upon waking up this morning, I felt a strong (enough) feeling of wanting to skip my loop. It must be reconciliation, but I am running it now. Similar to what I said last night, this feels different.
No headache, no brain fog, no normal feelings of too much. It felt rooted in my emotions, as if my emotions felt afraid of something. Presently, my chest feels heavy, like after an intense cryng session. But no lingering dream memories (but I rarely remember dreams when waking up so early). So, it’s different.
I’m wondering what’s gonna happen today.
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Wow, almost went through my “like” limits today reading your journal. Those are some outstanding results, congratulations. I can only imagine what you be like after you’re done with the program, you’d be formidable. Stay strong mate
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Thank you Apollo! Formidable? Hmmm
Unlike Pinky and the Brain, I’m not trying to “TAKE OVER THE WORLD!”
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who knows what DR will bring…you may yet get in touch with your authentic desire for world domination.
Don’t rule out it just yet 
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DR St1
Day 23
No loops yet
I woke up feeling something different this morning. I wasn’t fully aware of it until I sat in the bathroom thinking. Something is growing in me, and it looks like self-love.
As my thoughts were flowing minutes ago, I noticed I could do this, I could do that, but these imagined actions were all aimed at either gaining people’s approval. That’s been an uncomfortable norm for me, like forever.
My brain slowed down some, and I realized I was comfortable in my own skin, doing nothing. I was just still. And unafraid. This is good.
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After I wrote that, I went to my emails. A friend had sent a video and I watched it. I began crying. I realized I was trying not to feel stuff coming up, and then I allowed it. That’s growth. Not feel-good growth, but growth still.
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DR st1
Day 24
1st of 2 rest days
I’m at my sister’s realizing my awareness this morning is still active. I had a different line of thought from @Sub.Zero and voiced it. However, soon after I realized that I was guilty of the exact same thing.
I’m seeing that same thinking now around my sister. I’ve admitted it to her, but it’s still my responsibility.
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@subliminalguy Seems like your attachment to things and people maybe even your trauma is creating reconciliation.
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I know I’ve held to unhealthy things and relationship dynamics for ages, so you’re probably right. I knew letting go of some stuff would be my biggest challenge on DR. But since it’s geared towards that, I jumped on it. This shit doesn’t work anymore.
What’d you see that made you mention it?
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