Subliminal expressions: Finding myself again

Journals - Major Programs
#1

Day 6
Custom Emperor
NR as my 2nd sub
5 minute loops

I began here in 2018 and used SC subs pretty consistently through the years. I’d been using another producer’s emotional healing sub in recent months, and I came back here, making a custom Emperor. I included Essence: Love of Gold (like a 2nd core) along with Synergy: Machine Totality since moving forward was and is a strong motivation for me. I also included a number of modules from the new module pack.

I’m writing here…because I’m in brand new territory. Nothing dramatic. Just deep change. I think it’s because of EOG’s reformulating my values to money (and life as well). Though a part of me has wanted and succeeded in making money moves this last week…I’m wondering “WHO is running me?”

I’m in a brand new spot.

Normally, I’d act all incapable or helpless, drawing people in using emotional pulls and tugs. But it was intentional since I’ve always sought someone else to lead and take on the risk of failing Yeah. I’ve done that. For years. I went on Emperor since when I used it for 4+ months a year or two back…that stuff fell away. I didn’t want to act like a 10yo. I wanted to grow. To succeed. To step out of my “safe” norm. To feel competent as an adult in real life, not just in my head.

It worked then, and it’s working now. Major props to Emperor.

What’s bothering me this morning–and it’s amazing since I’ve never been here is…why am I still allowing everyone else to control and direct me? It’s an old survival script in my head: let others take on the risk. (I was the youngest of 3 brothers BTW). I’m not having harsh anger rising. It’s more like a gut-honest, unemotionally-tied questioning of this habit in me.

Like right now. I’m in my rented room, and the houseowner and his girlfriend are doing something in the kitchen (he lives here). I hear his girlfriend–and I SEE and IMAGINE myself going out, talking to them, and I instantly drop my stature, returning to a young boy, seeking some validation and acceptance, from her specifically.

And that bothers me. I’m 54. I’m just feeling it now, something I’ve not experienced in years past (that emotional plating on my heart has really diminished). I’m wondering “will this get better? Will I come through this?” Avoidance and sidestepping was my fear-based default in times past.

My whole reality is being shuffled around. It feels dramatic, but that’s all in me since it scares me.

Note: I’m also experiencing subliminal activation since I listen MWF, taking weekends off. It’s Saturday, so it’s all activating too.

Also, since I’ve underestimated it: my 2nd sub is Nouveau RICH. I’m unsure how this affects me relationally, so I’ll admit this. My side hustle focus is AI for businesses, so that’s my motivation for using it.

–I was just about to post this when I got an insight: my associations with money are tied to me seeking my mom’s approval, love, and acceptance. (Tears came up while writing). That’s, honestly, why I’ve always wanted wealth. I wanted her love and attention. It’s true. Subs are activating right now.

9 Likes
#2

Welcome back!

This is always really hard. For me personally I’ve found in the moment it’s almost entirely impossible to stop and have stopped feeling bad when it happens… So it becomes really important after the fact asking that inner child why they feel the need to do those things. One of the things that was a real eye opener for me is I was emotionally invalidating the inner child and continuing the cycle of neglect on myself. That inner relationship is so important.

Just some thoughts. Sometimes when they grab the wheel they really grab it hard.

5 Likes
#3

Welcome back!

SUMMERTIME. Look into Summertime. It seems to tear through validation seeking behaviors.

5 Likes
#4

Can confirm. I don’t wanna recommend summertime to literally everyone lol, but it is so helpful

3 Likes
#5

I’m amazed I’m writing this.

Note: “Disagreeing” is meaning “having my own thoughts, or sharing different thoughts without major fears”.

I read your reply Fractal, and I, too, began looking/feeling back to old known and supposedly “safe” ways. In other words, I briefly went back and “tried on” the old suit of saying/feeling/thinking the same old things I’d always said/felt/thought. This “trying on” of other’s thoughts is an old survival mode of mine.

For whatever reason though…I’m not doing it. It feels really, really wrong… Even though I know that loop TOO WELL, most of me NOW doesn’t want it. Those were and are the saddest, most helpless times in my life.

But I chose them at the time because it felt…safe. I knew the outcome. I believed anyone/everyone would accept me if I agreed with them. I experienced this in my thoughts when reading your reply Fractal. Maybe EOG is showing me this because I saw myself stuck in that self-belief.

In other words, I’m fighting that belief in ME. And the old belief isn’t winning.

To be true here, I hesitated while writing that last paragraph. Because disagreeing with ANYONE in my circle meant…pain and possible abandonment. Much like you, I’ve negated myself entirely, giving everyone else the winning or dominant hand, since I was scared people would leave me if I even so much as slightly annoyed them.

Tears came while finishing that.

Disagreeing with anyone has always meant a threat to my internal safety. It’s also why I’ve not posted my differing thoughts to people here in the forum. I’m usually a wallflower in disagreements. I’m silent Switzerland. This even happened yesterday at work. 2 guys arguing in a 3 man crew… I said nada. Zero. I wanted safety.

I had to pull up a module I put in my Emperor custom, The Courage to Disagree. It must be working here:

“Real relationships can hold difference without shattering—but only if you have the courage
to express it. The Courage to Disagree teaches you to respectfully dissent without making
disagreement personal or attacking, staying curious about others’ perspectives while
remaining anchored in your own. You’ll learn that false agreement isn’t connection—it’s
performance—and that people worth keeping don’t require your compliance to value your
presence. Add this module to build authentic relationships founded on honest difference
rather than hollow agreement.”

Damn. I used to ONLY agree with people. I usually do. No hesitation. Just agreement. I didn’t see this one coming through…but I was so, so wrong.

1 Like
#6

Thinking of what you said @Fractal_Explorer…

me agreeing with people, first, kept me safe, so I thought.

But agreeing with people kept me from taking responsibility for myself, or in your words,

I’ve been doing this for decades. Agreeing was the easiest way to keep this in place. In my mind now, I’m considering other, healthier (for me) alternatives vs. either throwing subtle barbs at people, or abandoning the conversation altogether.

And to clarify these last two posts, I instantly put you in the role of someone who would lead me (lifelong habit), but I couldn’t do that. Not sure why. I just realized I’m used to responding in fear since my own brother was really aggressive when I bucked him. I projected that on you.

2 Likes
#7

Some people will never understand just how visceral and powerful that agreeing response is. I totally get it. It sounds like you’re working through it in your own way which is the most important thing.

3 Likes
#8

@Fractal_Explorer,

I’m considering what @SaintSovereign said about Summertime, and why he may have said it, because he and most others see a need that I’m normally oblivious of.

I partially read over the Summertime sales page this morning. I scanned fast, so I will revisit it. Why? Because my relational barriers show up in my life constantly. The ones I created. With this in mind,

Would you recommend Summertime for gaining or experiencing some level of self-trust or self-belief? I’m willing to bring it in if it makes life…a little easier.

I started NR knowing its ultimate goal (disruption of markets), but I experienced something on my first listen, and that was a solid belief in myself. I imagined talking calmly but confidently to my company’s local leaders, introducing brilliant ideas that could easily be produced. I reread NR’s page, and the objectives point specifically to that. I needed to ask about Summertime though. Thanks

1 Like
#9

1000%

Summertime lets me feel without judgement. I can just be. That lets me get a closer look into who I am and what I want. It’s like that hamster wheel of constantly trying to be better to escape something stops. The self trust is like a feedback loop for me. Where I hear myself and my needs, take action on them, feel better, and that results in more self trust that I really do know what is best for me and I just have to listen more.

I’m going through arguably the most difficult point in my life right now and summertime is helping me find joy in the chaos.

2 Likes
#10

That was completely unexpected Fractal. I could read reviews like that every day!

Sold.

1 Like
#11

I was just on a call with my daughter who’s graduating college soon, and I heard the exhaustion in her voice. I read Summertime’s page … and what stuck with me was how it could make daily responsibilities easier. That’s why I’m choosing it.

My own job’s been easier, but I’m also taking pressure off of myself by investing time and money in outside opportunities, where I can make significantly more money with significantly less time.

But I picked up my daughter’s beliefs that her only choice seems to be “give more and more of yourself away so you can make ends meet”. That’s what colleges teach now though. F that.

I’m going to start Summertime tomorrow. I’ll share real experiences vs imaginations.

2 Likes
#12

Day 7
Summertime tonight
Emp tomorrow morning

What is happening?

I ask that in an exited, cautious, and curious way. I just went shopping for my weekly supplies. And while walking up the store’s entrance I knew–I’ve had it happen before–that I was attracting a lot of attention. A couple was walking out, I met eyes with the girl first (a pretty one who lit up when she saw me), but I quickly looked at her man, me wanting to respect him and communicate “she’s yours”. I was wearing this very proud sense of self, knowing I had something to offer, and I knew it walking in. I got some looks from women in the store. I even encouraged a quick convo with the cashier. I felt…able to handle this. I wanted to embrace it.

I share that, but it began 15 minutes earlier, when I stopped to gas up for the week. My mind was on money and my willingness to utilize it in numerous ways since I’ve been watching YT money videos a bit today. So, as I got out of my car to pump gas, I approached a guy parked right in front of me, noticing he’d jumped up on his hood quickly, something I see in the company I work for (driving large commercial vehicles). He (unexpectedly) opened up and freely told me what he was doing. What was different was…I wasn’t cowering. I was encouraging him. I felt unusually strong as a man, so yeah, I encouraged it.

Mind you, I have 2 mindsets on the exchange with the last guy. One was “I have something to offer him in the business world”. That’s what made me approach him, when I think about it. The other mindset, an old norm, was me wishing to hide out. Play small. But being seen and appreciated was felt. So I easily held on.

…now, I’m sharing this because in times past, my Emperor face was often FIRM and DISTANT. Like an unspoken “F U!” And today? I’m socializing like I actually WANT to. Because…I DO.

Was I sharing…me…Subliminalguy? My identity, my reality…is shifting. Because I really, really…5x that…enjoyed that.

Guess: EOG is doing some deep work in my psyche, changing my sense of values with money. I’m actually imagining me making money successfully. And that very mindset I’ve NOT had, so I couldn’t/wouldn’t move forward.

1 Like
#13

Something I’ll add to the above experiences I looked over.

I went inside the gas station to pay for gas and a drink, and there was a short line. When it was my turn, I pulled out my debit card, and seconds later, the guy behind me spoke to me. About $7 in bills were on the ground, him thinking I dropped it. I picked it up, and I genuinely didn’t think it was mine. I told him I didn’t have that much cash in my pocket, so I put it on the counter. If someone had dropped it, I wanted them to be able to find it.

And the difference in our mindsets was so VERY obvious. I didn’t want to take someone else’s money. And he spoke and acted desperately, like he was motivated by…a scarcity mentality. Like “I gotta get it BEFORE someone comes back!” Desperate. Talking quickly. Like he believed he was truly broke.

That was loud to me. I didn’t want to take or steal. I didn’t even care about it.

THAT was different. That’s likely where I began feeling powerful. Because if I can control myself, I can do anything. This made me feel strong.

2 Likes
#14

@Fractal_Explorer,

I listened to Summertime less than an hour ago. 5 minutes.

I just experienced something, and wow, it was vivid.

Scenario: I turned on a movie on my desktop PC to wrap up my night. I was watching it, but the “get it done” scripting from my Emperor custom was activating. It was nothing more than a few snack wrappings needing to be thrown away.

And right when I considered pausing my video, I had a flash of choices (stop/drag it out/do it). Without thinking at all, I quickly paused the video, picked up the wrappers, and threw them away.

You said there’s that feedback loop in Summertime. As soon as I decided to take action, I felt this surge of confidence in doing that. Like an inner “Yeah! That’s what I wanted!”

It was very, very vivid. Thank you for sharing your experience, as I’d probably not have reported this otherwise.

2 Likes
#15

Day 8
Summertime last night
Emp this morning (not yet)

Why do I want to do this???

Uggg…I woke up earlier than needed. I am having a battle within. I’m fking scared.
I’m right between wanting to be secure/independent…and the me who gives my power away every day.

Because THAT is what I’ve always done: handed it right over. It was safe. It felt (kind of) secure. But I was always dependent on YOU liking me, YOU approving of me…it was completely disempowering. I was a puppet for your approval. I ended up being a needy kid in an adult body. So I could never tell people about it…I did sometimes, but I felt even LESS empowered.

EOG may be doing more shifting, as my emotional fallbacks always had me falling on my ass. I’d feel sorry for myself alone…and I’d begin thinking about someone else’s life, someone else’s happiness…and I’d try to sit in their shoes.

And I’ve held on to that so long. That’s my inherited wealth story. Me and my birth family’s history. Fk up. Fail. Feel sorry for ourselves. Sit in self pity. And once we’d gone that round, I’d desperately try to ignore it, again looking at everyone else. A nonstop loop. That’s how I’ve lived. I don’t think I’ve ever shared that.

I’m sharing, and inwardly I’m feeling these old tethers. On and off. EOG is doing some real work on me. THANK GOD. I didn’t know I was even tied up. No. Not true. I’ve felt it at times. I’ve just spent most of my time trying to ignore it, living in fantasy land.

Gonna share here: I’m in a beautiful battle. I’ve been given a gift to change myself, to walk away from old stories, old beliefs, old self-created truths. This pain, this struggle, is a gift. Otherwise, I’d just be sitting in my shit. There’s grief. There’s resistance, on and off. But it doesn’t feel impossible. I think I’m only scared because today/tomorrow I may not walk with such inner limitations screaming “NO!!!”. I would be free.

Freedom is scary? Yes, if one’s never had it, never owned it. That’s me, right now. Walking through it.

#16

Day 10
Emperor custom this morning

I smiled, realizing something I’m doing by being here.

I worked with a guy yesterday, a mentally strong man born and raised in Cuba. Him and his family came to America around 10 years ago, he’s a US citizen now, and he takes absolutely NOTHING for granted.

I mention him because I’m becoming increasingly aware that I habitually focus on “I can’t…I won’t…I’ll be rejected”…etc.

He unintentionally showed me this habit from something he experienced last weekend. Our work branch had our annual family day cookout, and weeks before, my Cuban friend began speaking that the big giveaway, a humongous flatscreen TV, was his. He was certain of it. Saturday came, and BAM! He won it. His message to me was simple: what you focus on, you’ll find

In my gut, like a small child, I’ve kept focusing on…my pain. My loss from 40+ years ago. Things I’ve kept kept kept kept kept kept kept…trying to attain again. Like rebuilding a childhood reality.

That’s not possible.

Me focusing on it is becoming steadily…uncomfortable.

I chose Emperor since it has some variation of the old Rebirth, gradually rewriting understandings of myself and old events. I know others here who, when looking back, did not focus on childhood hangups since they used Emperor so long.

Part of me believes I’m UNABLE to let go of this habit.

But I pair both my buddy’s reality with my own to ask…

Am I missing something?
How do I allow such major change?
Am I making the right choice using Emperor?

Helpless me would say "I need MORE direct healing NOW!

Present me, using Emperor, says “Whoaaa!! I like this battle I’m in. I’m actually FACING IT! It feels healthy–and RESPONSIBLE to do so”.

Resilience is kicking in, and it feels powerful. I feel more powerful, not wanting to give in.

I just need to air this–to myself. This battle isn’t over.

1 Like
#17

Day 11

Emperor must be moving in my head.

I worked very late, unintentionally. Truck got stuck at the end of the day. The female manager came and picked us up, and we all had some time to talk a while. It was during this time I saw something.

I’m not used to really owning my opinion. Or feeling secure with it.
I’m used to others leading. …it’s been my normal role. My way to survive relationships.

I was attracted to the woman–and when I considered my relationship with her, I suddenly felt unequipped to have a relationship with her because…men are leaders. Me sitting there unsure of what I thought on things—or more accurately, how I could relate to a woman in her 30’s while I’m thinking like 10 year old kid fearing rejection.

Not shaming myself. I’m just in a different spot. I wasn’t thinking “Emperors lead and take charge!!” I just realized Emperor is nudging me towards something I haven’t seen in myself. I haven’t viewed myself like a capable adult. A capable man. Someone who could handle, even embrace, real adult relationships. With me being me.

Not sure where I’m going. I wanted to write that though.

Edit: huh?? I just erased all my excuses of “why I did those unhealthy coping behaviors”. Something is up.
I realized that right here in my writing, I had a few reasons why …poor me should still survive with them. That’s NOT me. Emperor is moving.

I’m so used to playing scared and helpless, and Emperor is…doing something