So I guess this would be a good time for me to actually elaborate on what’s been going on in my life lately.
I’ve basically just been using this journal as a place for me to brainstorm customs and nothing else and the reason for that is because I’ve begun to journal offline. I guess I’ve been in a bit of a funk for a little bit, I’m not 100% sure of what exactly prompted this funk but I’m pretty sure it has to do with the feeling of loneliness.
It’s hard for me to talk too much about this to be quite honest but perhaps I derive a bit of my own self-worth and value from having a romantic partner. It’s something that I’m wrestling with because I know fundamentally it’s not good and I know there is something psychologically f***** up about that.
Usually I type out all of my posts like anyone else, but this is the first time that I’ve decided to use voice typing to really capture the raw authenticity of how I feel and how I think about this type of situation, which is why I’m journaling this here online.
Anyways, these thoughts began around end of July, and the feeling of Wanted Black wanted me to pursue something romantically. I didn’t feel like I was ready to be quite honest, but logically we all have sexual needs and more fundamentally, the need to be connected to someone else. So I decided for the first time in a long time to re-enter the dating world.
To be quite honest, and probably not to anyone’s surprise, dating has been kind of lame. It’s like the people I meet just come across as artificial or shallow, like everyone is just so scared of saying what they actually want to say because of their ego, or how they want to be portrayed, or showing any sign of vulnerability or weakness. It’s not like I have an issue with not generating attraction, which was actually my (albeit illogical) primary concern. I’ve actually been able to speak to some pretty attractive girls but f***, it’s kind of miserable to speak to them. I have a hard time not thinking about my ex to be quite honest because of how much chemistry we had in comparison to all these other individuals. So a part of me just feels hopeless and almost dead inside from the results of trying to meet someone. I find it amusing that the only woman are genuinely interesting just so happened to be not as attractive as I am accustomed to dating, which makes me wonder just how much I took for granted my past relationships since these women were both beautiful and filled with personality.
I’m not sure of how to feel about this but I can definitely say that it’s made me feel quite cynical at the very least. Now that doesn’t mean that I should quit or stop dating entirely but clearly focusing on it won’t bring the same dividends to my life as focusing on my career would.
So this feeling of cynicism found itself seeping into every aspect of my day-to-day life. I decided eventually that I needed to go on a bit of a soul searching trip so I decided to take a backpack and explore Europe for 2 weeks. I went from hostel to hostel, city to city, train to train, just looking and exploring and reflecting on my self, and the general human condition. It was a beautiful experience, as it provided a lot of value to me by giving me a moment to catch my breath and breathe. The North American lifestyle is filled with things to go do, people to go see, s*** to go by, with no time to actually stop and breathe. Just the fact that I was able to just wake up in the morning, walk to a cafe, get an espresso and a small breakfast, with my journal in one hand and my book in the other, sitting outside on a Terrace staring out into the distance, surrounded by Gothic architecture was a very simple and yet rewarding experience.
Speaking of which, this is how my offline journaling came back. I decided to reopen the journal I stopped writing in, and this journal basically followed me for my entire 20s until my break up. It was almost as though I was in fear of writing in that journal, like I looked at it as a source of trauma. But I quickly realized that it was a symbol of growth and perseverance more than anything else, and writing into it felt good and familiar again. It’s almost done, but writing in that journal truly makes me happy. I bought it in a random bookstore somewhere in Manhattan, it was the first notebook I ever bought so it has a special place in my heart. Replacing it once it’s done will feel quite weird, I must say.
In the past two years of my significant growth in my life this trip made me realize that I was suppressing and ignoring specific parts of myself that are crucial in making me happy and making me feel like myself. Mainly, I’ve been so focused on my material growth in the sense of changing my career to make money, working out to look better and socializing more that I completely ignored the creative self that I’ve always nurtured Within Me for my entire life. Being able to express my creativity is so crucial for me and my happiness, and ignoring that part of myself was extremely detrimental to my mental state. The beauty of Muay Thai is that I’m able to actually release that creative self in that discipline so that was what represented my outlet in the past, but since I don’t train as I did before that part of me found itself stifled once again. I need to keep a reminder that I need that creative outlet no matter what is going on in my life or I won’t be happy.
Anyway, being alone and traveling was a very rewarding experience and coming back from that required quite a bit of adjusting. And now everything in my work life has been flipped upside down. But more on that another time.
Good luck brother