StarkQ Stack Journal--SubliminalGuy


#1

I was trying to write about Regeneration Q these last 20 minutes or so, but changes in my thinking and priorities made me change my direction.

I kept trying to go BACK. Back to old priorities, old projections, old “safeguards” of me keeping an old identity up. I am completely un-at-ease doing that with myself presently.

Additionally, I bought StarkQ 2 nights ago, have purposely not overloaded myself, and it’s been pushing through my thinking. Yesterday, while at work, I got a strong mental focus on creating or even inventing something which could be wildly profitable. It felt MORE than possible, especially when I’ve never, like never, had such motivation or dedication to such an idea. Wow :smile:

And this morning, my ex-wife called me while I was still sleeping. I called back…and was very aware of myself and my normal intentions and agenda I usually try for. I realized I was in between 2 mindsets–the old one of having her lead the conversation, and the new one where I sought some control over the dynamics and direction the conversation was going. I even goofed by missing a cue she gave and responding blindly, as I was trying to actively switch from the old into the new, but I was effortlessly aware that I was much more in control of myself.

Sitting here, I’m feeling this awareness come up while writing. It’s primarily PCC, though it feels like more than that. The old ways are still battling for dominance, and I’m not doing much in this process. StarkQ is doing its thing, and I’m just watching it unfold. It’s beautiful.

This is why I struggled to begin writing. My old, comfortable, even “safe” ways of thinking relied on me giving power away. Giving power over meant I “needed” others to support me (unhealthily too :man_shrugging:)

But StarkQ is empowering. And it’s even more than that, where words feel pointless describing it presently. I feel like getting busy, so I’ll stop here for now.


#2

Brilliant to hear! StarkQ does contain PCC style anti manipulation tactics and personal power. Nice to hear that you took control of a situation that previously ran you.


#3

Taken from the Q thread:

Since starting Regeneration Q, an awareness popped up regarding what I think of myself. Someone wrote something like “we end up with who and what we feel deserving of”, and it’s been opening my eyes to my lack of healthy, honest relationships I hold on to. Since starting RegenQ, I’ve been seeing in my head how I act and communicate my value to women. I just don’t feel deserving. Not at all.

Enter StarkQ, 2 days back.

I’ve had unusual surges of confidence, maybe one a day, but…I know something is holding me back. It’s me.

I signed up for Netflix last night to watch “limitless”, but today… I desired something I couldn’t pinpoint. Like a sadness seeking to be expressed and owned…even walked away from. But admitting that to other guys…no. I just wanted freedom. I desire truthfulness with me.

I watched “She’s Out of My League” today, a movie about a geeky, skinny young guy living with his parents who is chosen by a perfect 10. One of the telling lines in the end was her saying, “It’s not that you’re not good enough for me. You’re not good enough for you”. Spoiler: they do end up together, mostly since he’s honest with himself and her. He just kept disqualifying himself with her. And I do that every day when around women.

StarkQ is letting me see I do want love again. I do. I’m no bodybuilder. I’m not truly articulate in many subjects. I can be funny. Accepting myself more and more seems to be StarkQ’s agenda, and this is exciting. It feels right and good for me.

Financially, I’ve yet to withdraw my bitcoin…and even that wealth does not save me from me. I’d say this feeling of being undeserving has lingered in me all my life, and still plays a part in me avoiding success and relationships. Since StarkQ 2 days back, I’ve opened my eyes and my heart to some truth, and I’m becoming more willing to do things outside my normal comfort zone.

I don’t know why or how, and I really don’t care. I’m just seeking to listen to the reconciliation going on with these changes. It’s been a long time coming.


#4

I just looked at @Malkuth’s EOG thread, and it shifted me. He’d begun StarkQ Terminus, but he’d begun a new thread. I wondered if he’d pulled off EOG. What shifted me is his writing has gone from long, elaborate, detailed writings to 1-2 sentence “just the facts” sharings. When I’m feeling scared of sharing, I tend to write way more than desired.

I’m feeling StarkQ making changes in me when I woke up 15 minutes ago, and I’d not even started loops yet. Simply, I was feeling fear of sharing these new feelings. Similar to the movie I watched last night, it’s not that readers won’t like my message, it’s that I’m not liking my message. This is where the vast majority of fear and pain in my life comes from: my own rejection of myself. I wish it were easy to change. Running 2 loops of StarkQ now.


#5

'Added 2 loops of RegenerationQ. Realized reconciliation (via forgetting and dismissing) was active.


#6

I really agree with that. Doing this makes life simple.


#7

Having read different posts about success with StarkQT yesterday, I did one loop midday and didn’t run any other subs.

I"m running one loop now, and will run a couple of loops of RegenerationQ today. My confidence is slowly rising, and I feel relaxed…which is exactly what I’ve been desiring. I know going through major internal changes and also being relaxed and chill is a gift. I’d thought of posting that chill factor as a request yesterday, but it may not be needed. Cool. :slight_smile:


#8

I just ran another Terminus loop solo. I don’t physically feel anything, but it “feels” like Terminus is hanging on to my thinking, like… I don’t know. 2nd day running Terminus, one loop yesterday, 2 today.

No desire or want to add anything else. I began LDQ mid-morning. Stopped it after a minute, like it didn’t feel right. Ran RegerationQ driving home from work. While it was running, desire built for me to run Terminus. Came home, turned on Terminus (masked), and listened. Feels like it has access to something in my memory banks, as my walls aren’t up currently (that’s what’s got my attention–BS takes so much WORK and I don’t want to do it).

My brain’s been moving ever since I ran one loop this morning.

Had a memory flashback from middle school right before our morning huddle. I haven’t made sense of it, as it was like I was there (middle school) while it happened. I was moving around men (at work) to find a spot, and my mind flashed, remembering both fear and (my fantasy thinking aka denial) in milliseconds. I even told 2 guys within seconds about it since it was my reality suddenly and vividly.

That was my most prolific memory. Like New Beginnings is working first. As I write now, my gut is clenching some since tears are rising. Terminus is busy. Remembering Junior high now, in color. Emotions first, then images. Nothing graphic, just stirrings in my emotions mostly.

And truthfully–I’m welcoming this. Gdammit, I’ve ran, ran, ran, ran…where running from emotional anchors and truth has been normal. Life became a big fantasy–maybe I’m saying goodbye to some of this–lying to myself takes so much EFFORT.

No more subs tonight. I’ll sleep well.

But my brain is still running.


#9

I woke up still feeling a little vulnerable since last night’s run, so I’m running a loop of the regular StarkQ now. I’ll run a loop of Terminus tonight.

I should also report something I did yesterday. Some have been sharing about how they’ve been motivated to work out and take care of themselves while running StarkQ. I had lingering thoughts–or rather, desires–yesterday after getting off work. I was still in my work clothes, and I was feeling a bit resistant to changing my clothes and taking a walk.

But it was bright and sunny, bordering on hot. I realized I’d been sweating some while in my un-AC’d van, and I quickly went back out to my van and sat in it for 20 minutes. My own personal sauna :smile:

I’ve been having a candida flareup lately due to a sugary diet pre-StarkQ. I’ve had familiar itching in my underarms, and most notable is a tiredness from it. I learned years back that sweating is a major release avenue for candida toxins, and I even prayed yesterday to be able to sweat (it was overcast yesterday). So I jumped back in my van, and let it happen.

Taking care of myself mentally and physically…feels good. Stark is affecting me :smile:


#10

Weird results today.

If me trying to control my environment and my perceptions once I get home is normal, this was not normal today.

I ran 2 loops of Terminus masked when I got home, and that old spot of seeking to make some desirable mental reality did not happen. I know I’m telling on myself, but this change, though different, is not dangerous.

I didn’t find my normal emotional front, or anything like it. Even normal distractions like eating and browsing the internet didn’t feel like they normally do.

Part of me, an inner emotional me, seeks old comforts. Like hiding away. Wishing to isolate. And something is not allowing me to rest or hide presently. No militant self is demanding control either. I’m seeing in my mind’s eye like I’m in a tunnel no bigger than a hallway in a house. The walls are not cornered, but rounded. I can sense something is being cleaned out/scraped off these walls, though I only get quick glimpses of something moving. It is dark. Most of what I look for on the dark walls isn’t visible, but light comes onto the scraped parts. And I don’t feel endangered by whatever is cleaning off the walls. Sounds like my life right now. I don’t see reality, but my world’s dark too. The scraping/cleaning means something is working for me, helping me see what I’ve purposely dirtied and blocked from vision. And light is growing, bit by bit, as much as I allow change.

Change? This is all change. I’m going to run a loop before going to work tomorrow to see what happens. I ran Ascension Q, LDQ, Sanguine Q, and PCCQ today, mostly for single loops–seeking some of what I experienced yesterday. I didn’t find it.

And lastly…this thought I had throughout the day I believe is all about what I’m doing myself. I worked alone all day, but a few times today I found fault with a temporary worker who’s normally with me. His fault, his mistake? I see him doing things and not thinking, though it looks like he’s being very productive (I see myself doing that too). I got some of yesterday’s results today, and this one thing grew uncomfortable in me. Me seeing anyone’s fault’s continuously means I’m projecting my stuff onto HIM. I began wondering where, not if, I do that. Like wishing to go along and not be responsible for life. …Why? Damn. Truth again. Because I’ve thought some parent/boss figure would look ONLY for mistakes in my life, so avoiding responsibilities and entanglements meant avoiding criticism or rejection. I projected it onto my boss all day. You know–“he’s an ASSHOLE!” Blaming him takes the focus off me. It’s tough to own that, so I’ll stop here.

A different kind of day, for sure. I want to be nicer to myself. I give myself bad treatment pretty regularly.


#11

A question came to me while showering. I listened to Terminus this morning.

“Can I find value in myself?”


#12

Taking responsibility and not blaming anyone sucks. It does mean that I’m ultimately am the one that can cost someone something. Not a good feeling.


#13

Michel, I’m nervous, but writing. I’d felt drawn to reading my Ascension journal just now, did a few pages, and ugh…taking responsibility was my issue early on in my thread. But comparing now and then shows ….that StarkQ is showing me where my roots are.

It’s not about me looking good, doing the “right” thing, or covering the truth using another shaming tactic on myself. The truth is that I grew up believing my brother would protect me, and him leaving suddenly actually shocked me. Mom was always unavailable herself, and I had noone tp talk to about it. I’ve been stuck in that spot mentally ever since.

Getting out of it… involves some letting out some deep grief I’ve held to (listening to Terminus now ultrasonic). I feel it.

I’ll stay here on this computer, but I’ll open up the EMDR software I shared with @Fractal days ago. I messaged the software maker, and he sent me an updated copy. Installed it this morning, choosing to run the bilateral sound only.

Fucking scares me. I’m out


#14

Stark brought up the “Can I find value in myself?” question in me too a week or so ago. For me it also showed me things that I have right now that have value, so it was a good balance at the time.

Going to your earlier post about your boss, one thing that took my interest a while back was this Essene Mirrors concept that Gregg Braden talked about. Basically it says there’s 7 different kind of projections you see in people, so it isn’t always you being projected in a person, that’s just the first of 7. The second one is what you judge, so behavior you judge more will be seen more in other people. I think it is an interesting way to see things and maybe break things down better to find the best direction to go. He has a 2 hour video on YT about it.

I sometimes have trouble focusing with the EMDR. Like I’m avoiding the memory, sort of “I’m done with it” kind of feeling. I guess I need more practice.


#15

I’m finding StarkQT pretty comprehensive going through the healing. I pulled up the EMDR software last night, me thinking it might organize something mentally, and I’d actually feel better.

But StarkQT seemed to have a purposeful direction. I felt uncomfortable for a small amount of time (less than an hour), and EMDR seemed to work differently to what Stark was doing. I persisted with EMDR, thinking to myself “don’t quit”, I felt positive about that decision, but ultimately Stark was self-sufficient.

It’s like I went back, I felt and saw some of my history, but my mindset was different. I was revisiting an uncomfortable memory, but the sheer intention of facing my fear was of high priority to me.

What EMDR hit on was how I’d valued being here and wishing to fulfill that old wish of having old needs met–but I was terrified in giving this up. I see now the different aims of each modaility. EMDR was focusing on my lack of truth to myself and others now, while StarkQT was working on some old root which was much more foundational to painful beliefs. StarkQT was pointing out how I have been afraid to let go of this past, but it seemed like it is designed to do all the heavy lifting of resolving it. I probably won’t mix EMDR with it in the future since quite simply, it’s less stressful. With EMDR, I need to keep some mental focus of my aim (the stressful part), and StarkQT finds those very things I’m avoiding and works on it all by itself. That’s preferable.

Last night, I gave myself permission to call out from work today if needed, but it doesn’t seem necessary. I’m listening to StarkQT on ultrasonic right now, I felt a small twinge of yesterday’s fear, but it’s been 30 minutes already. Were I so raw, it would have shown up much sooner. Work won’t be an issue, plus I feel productive. There’s this belief and feeling in me, and it feels good. That belief is “Never give up”. I won’t–and this is from StarkQT. I feel determined to go forward. I feel strong. And though fear is felt (me looking for it is evident now), it doesn’t own me.


#16

That’s great to hear, sounds like it’s working well for you! Just curious, how long do you use the EMDR for? I was only doing around 10-20 mins, maybe that isn’t long enough for me.


#17

Most of the time, I would start the software, focus my attention on said issues, and I’d normally do it for 3-5 minutes UNLESS it hit something sooner. When (and if) it hooks onto something, I keep the software going, also following inner cues and feelings. Pre-SC I’d often begin crying as defenses were pinpointed, and back then, it came out freely.

Yesterday, I barely got to feeling so soft, so vulnerable. Seems like SC subs have been changing my mentality (I realized today my mentality and focus is VERY different since starting Stark). I did keep it on remembering breakthroughs I’d had when running it almost passively, like allowing myself to watch and listen without “looking for problems”. Sometimes, when I got out of the way, it went smoother. And since I sought some relief, I found some.

Similar to subliminals, finding success and tangible results with EMDR is much more an art than a science.


#18

Thanks a lot! This really helps me starting out. Totally agree it’s an art, it reminds me of meditation in a way. Sometimes I’m feeling it, other times I’m not getting anything. I think for me, I might be messing it up by trying to control thoughts too much and I need to let go, and the way you say you follow inner cues and feelings, it seems to correlate with that too.


#19

Tired as fuck, as I got to bed late last night. Woke up and thought about putting one loop of Terminus on, and I hesitated. I was between waiting on it and playing it, leaning towards not playing it. I had that grouchy mentality, but also wondered if my body was telling me hold off.

It was just mental, for as soon as I stood up, I remembered feeling good while running it. So I played one loop.

I played 2 after work yesterday, which has become my norm.

I’m just seeing me trying to sabotage myself, and it scares me. In a dozen little habits I do, I’m concerned this will win out. Like standing directly in my own way.

I’ll share something which came to mind this morning after starting my loop. It was new, and it felt right.

Having flashed through my mind my cycles of fucking myself over (sabotaging success), a new, independent thought came forward. It felt strong enough for it to be real. I had this imagined impulse to ……. stand up for myself. Like…be in my own corner. Be FOR me, not against me.

I’ve never had that before. I am dead serious.


#20

on starkQ alone? or combined with regenrationQ?