Mental clutter/blockages/incongruencies preventing clear focus on the moment are becoming apparent to me, today.
I’m starting to see how my brain begins to stress when I slip into trying to get things right in my achievement hunting in Tomb Raider, perfectly, without a mistake for example.
The scene changes gradually and comes into focus in a low lit bedroom. The views sharpens onto a lone man, seated on the edge of the bed, brooding intensely.
A trail of smoke comes from his lips as he lets out a long, drawn out exhale and nods slightly to himself.
He growls to himself, “She hates surprises.” He takes a long pull from his Marlboro and goes still again for a long moment.
The atmosphere of the room begins to darken as his brooding intensifies.
It builds and just as it seems as if the dark may begin to consume his very form, it immediately lightens again as he nods again, this time sharply and decisively.
He snatches up his phone, the screen of which was dark and the screen lightened under his excited grasp, revealing a concerned looking older woman on a live video.
He raises the volume and unmutes his end and, rushing over her questions, declares, “So we’re gonna fucking surprise her! Brilliant! She’ll never see it coming!”
Scene
When you don’t feel like it, that’s okay; do it anyway. And, do another thing.
Before enlightenment chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment chop wood, carry water.
Yesterday, I began noticing that I’m more aware of my own body language.
Eagle Eye, in Synergy: Inescapable Gaze seems to be moving outward, as well as inward.
The outward, not much to add that’s different from my normal journaling experience; a reader like @Trader would be able to probably journal for me on that count 
The inner/inward aspect is fascinating, however.
I’m becoming more aware of my own body language, how I’m communicating to people.
I’m becoming more aware of patterns of movement that I unconsciously participate in.
For example, when I’m ringing up a customer, I’ve started to see that I tend to scan their stuff and, while waiting for them to run their card, I’ll turn to gaze outside.
Outwardly, no one could tell but I can NOW see that I do that so that the person doesn’t get uncomfortable with my stare/gaze.
More later.
I’m becoming more aware of ‘my’, let’s call it, “anti-productivity” structures of deeper mind as they come up.
I haven’t won each of the internal battles over the past couple days with it, but I will have Victory in the war.
One of the greatest demonstrations of love for our selves is to sit with the pain and just listen.
I won’t do the play by play, as women’s attention is tertiary to other objectives but, I was just vehemently complimented and hit on by two Latinas as they were heading out of my store. I understood the body language and gestures more than the words but, suffice to say…
The boy’s on.
A couple lightskinned girls also took a couple swings at me. I dismissed 'em before they struck out.
A redheaded woman came in and by the end of our exchange, swore to me that we were now ‘friends’.
Train your self to work even in the winter of your life; by summer return, your effort will be rewarded multi-fold.
Solomon’s words about ants also comes to mind.
I’ve been setting boundaries with everyone in my life lately, almost without second thought.
There is some level of unease within me about some of them but it shall pass.
For, it is written.
I’ve become remarkably popular on social media since yesterday lol, I’ve connected with a lot of people that I have a resonancy with.
My mom: “I was thinking you can take your Dad home from church today, he’s tired and doesn’t want to go to the next sermon, and we’re going to another place.”
Me, who was only there to pick up my dad’s chair and meet up with Kenya, shaking my head slightly but waiting for her to finish, said:
“No. I’m here to pick up the chair and then Kenya and I need to get going so I can drop off dad’s car at y’all’s place and I can take her to work. That’s not going to work for me.”
I glanced over at her when I was nearing the end of my response.
We were sitting side by side in the front seats of my dad’s Jeep, facing the church.
I had gotten there about 15 minutes prior, and waiting for the sermon to end. I had left church hours previously to go lay down, as I was feeling dead on my feet performing hospitality duties from lack of sleep coming off of my graveyard shift, last night.
She had come out after I called her and my dad, with no answer, and claimed she wasn’t able to get anyone to come out to unlock the door I needed opened, to secure my dad’s chair which he had been charging.
Yeeah…ok 
As I glanced at her, I registered stiffness. Tension. Rigidity.
The first word that came out of her mouth, before she went into her ‘explanation’ was “anyways…”
MFW: 
Her spiel following was not worthy of note, so it won’t make it here. However, I listened patiently and once she finished her ‘reasoning’ (self-centered focuses), I calmly pointed at the car next to ours and said, “You could have ‘mydadsgodbrother’ take him, if you like.”
I saw her body immediately start, as if she was predisposed to argue/defend herself, and she froze, thought, opened her mouth, cocked it and vocally worked through reaching the conclusion that I had hoped she would.
That he lives right up the street. It’s not out of his way and it shouldn’t be a hassle for him to do so.
So, she goes back in the church claiming she would send somebody out and would text me updates.
Twenty minutes later: nada.
I had already sent Kenya ahead - she was waiting for me outside of the church in her own car during some of this - to Del Taco to order ahead for us, as I anticipated that the pastor was gonna extend past his promised time which, good thing I did.
I ended up just leaving to meet her over there and we had time to meet back at my parents place, bring the stuff to eat it, I finished my whole Epic Burrito AND explained all of this to Kenya - who was not amused nor entertained by my mom - before I got a call from my mom talm 'bout “where you at?”
The tone wasn’t one of, “We’re out, where did you go, you can do what you needed to do.”
It was, “Why aren’t you here to take over in doing things for your dad that I could have been doing?”
Kenya and I were not amused.
I kissed her buh bye, made quick plans to get back in time to get her to work and, left.
I get there. My mom sees me pulling up. Turns a cool shoulder and walks over to congregate with some church people.
I nod to myself, as I ease my dads jeep through the throngs of people, scanning for my dad.
I saw him, and parked in a convenient place to get his chair and cane into the jeep.
My mom is nowhere to be seen.
I nod to myself again, and just as I suspected was going to happen, my dad got out of the chair and by the time I had gotten it into the jeep, he was waiting for me in the passenger seat.
My jaw tightened. I nodded to myself.
I get into the jeep without saying anything about it and, as we’re leaving, my mom ‘reappeared’, talking to some women, ‘laughing’ and blah blah blah.
Didn’t come to say anything to me. Didn’t apologize. Just watched us out of the corner of her eye.
I nodded to myself as I was easing the jeep out of the parking lot whence I came and, as I glanced in the rear view mirror, I could see my mom staring at the back of the jeep, as we left.
I felt that she felt disrespected and ignored.
I shook my head and took him and his chair and his cane home.
P.S. I did manage to still get Kenya to work and secure her car, by the hair on my nuts.
I’m qualified to explain myself to people; most people are not qualified to receive my explanations.
My energetic masculine seems to be… Embodying.
I sort of realized just now that I don’t necessarily need more money coming in; it’s more that I need to make better usage of the money that I have and cut certain financial draws.
Optimization, I suppose.
Ascended Mogul presults, perhaps?
Unlikely; I suspect NEmp, Emperor Black , Blúm de Heidi.
I just realized that I’ve experienced some form of betrayal from each of my sets of parents, biological and adopted.
‘Real or perceived’ is where my inner work continues.
I can sense a huge fight looming over the horizon.
Parents?
Yerrp.
