The reason that I am choosing to take a break from subs is that lately I’ve been having to reconcile a lot of turmoil within myself.
Anger (at myself and others as well as unidentified), hurt (identifying), frustration and various ‘confusions’ (emotions I don’t understand the origin of or reason for feeling when it comes up).
Perhaps more later, I wanted to make sure I had a reason here for me to look back at.
Based off of what is coming up to me, it feels like an inner complex of self-sabotage/destruction.
I just AI’d ‘inner critic’ and what I see matches up. Here’s a tid bit:
The “inner critic” is a concept in psychology referring to an internal voice that judges and demeans a person. It’s like a subpersonality that constantly points out flaws, mistakes, and shortcomings, often leading to feelings of shame, inadequacy, low self-esteem, and even depression.
Here’s a brief overview:
It’s like there’s an aspect of me that is accusing, criticizing, judging and attacking me in the middle of decisions and sitting alone.
It’s manifesting in various ways; checking out a woman and immediately I feel beset by twinges of guilt/shame, self-doubt, and corresponding crap.
Enjoying myself and feeling overwhelmed by swirling thoughts and feelings related to my mom and dad - recent journal entries - or my kid’s mother - less recent but, still around up there - and similar topics.
And other things, like things I’ve procrastinated and stuff.
Maybe more later.
A concept that came across me radar that is useful:
Limerence is an intense, involuntary, and often obsessive romantic infatuation with another person, characterized by an acute longing for reciprocation and extreme mood swings based on their perceived actions.
Lol. That’s me between 18 and 28 
That was me before I met Kenya, lol.
I journaled before about the girl I met in Utah; she was the one I thought of when I shared that.
Explicit language throughout. Reader discretion is advised.
A male customer came in asking for some horny Rhino or some other thing that keeps the thingy thinging.
As I was considering if we had it , a woman that I’ve seen before a few times comes in, loud as fuck, asking me she can suck my dick. He didn’t even bat an eye, but I played it nonchalant and asked her “why?”
She said, “I bet you have a big ol’ dick.”
I replied with a mock sad face, shook my head with faux sorrow and said 🤏🏽
She said hell nah and added, without missing a single beat, “Pull it out, imma be the judge of that.”
The guy just stared intently at me and that’s when it clicked that they came in together. He went to the back of my store still searching, and she asked me if I could fuck her.
For my dear reader’s mental ocular: Late 30’s latina woman, short black dress with a plunging neckline that revealed and very poorly contained massive mommy mammaries, long curly hair and big eyes that were not shy about raking all over my form.
I said, “What you mean by nah?!” and waving my words aside like a bothersome gnat, she cooed, “You want to fuck me. I KNOW you want you to fuck me. I want to fuck you. I would fuck the shit out of you, you’re sexy as hell. You know you’re beautiful right?”
Laughing, and trying to get in a word as she said of all this in a flurry, I turned my attention back to the dude, who had came back up to us.
She snapped at him to get my number, turned to walk out and eyeing me longingly with a linger, she left to get back in their car.
Dude was frantic. Ol’ boy came in my store with no shoes on, hair unkempt; definitely a man tryna get his ding a ling mingling. I asked him if she’s why he needs it and he said yesssss.
“She’s gonna suck my shit raw tonight bro, I need this shit.”
As I told him, I’m a fan of fellatio and a fellow man getting his in, so we went throughout my store, searching high and low but, nada.
I ended up just recommending he try the 5 hour energy and see what’s up, which he ended up having to settle with.
As we were searching, he was telling me that “she’s really about that life” and that “she was not joking at all, she been wanting to fuck you” and the like.
I’m proud to say that though the idea was titillating (wordplay winkage here), I wasn’t actually pulled into considering cheating on Kenya.
I rung him up for the 5 hour and he thanked me. I walked out with him to hit my B&M and as SOON as I took two steps outside (I’m mindful), I hear a woman scream out “HEY!”
Somewhat expecting it, I didn’t react outwardly immediately, so she yelled again at me, turning down the loud EDM music she had been playing.
I turned, lighting my cigar and raised my eyebrows at her.
She said, “I want you to do a threesome with me and him. You got that big ass dick - here, her eyes slid down to my black jeans and lingered as she continued - and I want you.”
I laughed and said, “Oh, I do?” and made a face of mock surprise.
She said, “You’re gonna stop playing with me baby. Lemme suck you baby.”
She had put the car in reverse at this point and was slowly backing out talking to me. I laughed and slightly shook my head. The guy, in the passenger, was just listening to us, looking at me intently again.
It suddenly struck me. I’m being offered a freesie threesie.
She pulled up next to me, with the passenger side closest to me, leaned down to see me and said, “Hey.”
I said what’s up and she said, “Seriously. You KNOW you’re like beautiful right?” The emphasis on and the way she said beautiful was nice, not even gonna cap.
I nodded and she said, while looking me over and with what seemed to me to be licking her lips in her head, added, “You know you wanna fuck me.”
I said, “That could be so but I have a girlfriend.”
She pbbbt’d and said, “Yeah ok” and added something that I didn’t quite hear but sounded suspiciously like she said she’ll get me when she fucks up, then.
I chuckled, shook my head and said y’all have a good night.
She looked at me with big eyes and said I want you two to DP me.
I waved and returned to my B&M.
lol wtf sorcery.
A couple of hours before this, I complimented a female customer that is FINE as frog hair and said that since the first time I saw her come into my store, I’ve been wanting to express my attraction to her. I wasn’t expecting anything from it, it was just one of those ‘lemme get this off my chest’ type deals.
She said, while looking at me shyly, “Well if that’s the case we can exchange numbers then.”
I admit I felt a twinge of regret in saying, “If I didn’t have a girl at home that I claim, I would want to exchange that and much more.”
She pouted and said, “It’s always the cute ones!”
I shrugged and said at least I’m an honest cute one which she emphatically agreed with.
The ‘craziest’ things manifest in my experience as I’m coming out of reconciliation, which today I can say I’ve done. I was gonna journal that at some point once I was sure my inner had settled.
Sounds like washout is doing some interesting stuff. I’ll be following your career with… eh you know the rest.
Kenya came to my job to get a coffee on her way to work.
I told her about the threesome solicitation 'cuz social proof/mate-choice copying.
Cackle cackle. Genius. Yessssss
One thing I adore about my girl is that she RARELY gets upset about a woman coming at me/after me.
Haaaaahahahaha.
She just came back in with him
She wanted to buy alcohol. I told her she’s got to wait until I open the coolers at 6. She was sorely displeased.
She said “If I have a threesome with you right now, will you open it?”
I said slowly, “So we have a threesome…”
She nodded and bit her lip.
I pretended to consider for a full two seconds and shook my head vehemently, saying, “Nah that could never work.”
She threw a mini tantrum, boobies jouncing around and whined “Whyyy?!”
She then started to express how much I was annoying her, not giving her what she wants and it making her want me more.
I nodded and said nothing.
She reiterated how sexy/beautiful I am.
I nodded and said nothing.
She said, “That’s ok, I’m going to take it out on you later.”
I paused what I was doing behind me register and looked at her, and she continued, “How long are you going to make me wait for?”
I pretended that I thought she was talking about the alcohol and said, after glancing thoughtfully at the clock, “Ohhh…18 minutes.”
She smacked the counter and said, “Stop playing with me. When can I have that dick? Are you really gonna get in trouble if you give it to me?”
I gazed directly into her eyes and, not letting her break the eye contact, said, “If you were my wife and a woman came into my job asking what you’re asking, would you let me do it without being pissed?”
She guffawed and waved it away.
She left after a few minutes of requesting and demanding to give me head or have me fuck her, promising that when she got her hands on me she was gonna take out a lot of frustration on me, and so on.
I had a few amazed and amused male customers talk to me about her at length before I had time to get this down.
*She
At this point this is just “Bedtime stories by Sage”
Lmaoo.
I knew I would eventually have SOMETHING for the ‘late night’ part of my journal entries, seeing as I don’t talk much about doing the sex with Kenya much anymore
As I mentioned to Palpy, yesterday I felt the go ahead in myself to begin stack considerations.
More later.
After a lot of consideration and back and forth, I’ve decided to return to Ascension.
I’ve got Ascended Mogul in the Sagittarius: Legacius custom, but I want to put a little more focus, with a light title like Ascension, on accentuating the ‘alpha’ aspects of my stack.
I’ve got a bit of growing up to do, I’m finding. Maybe more later on that.
New stack as of now: Sagitarrium: Legacius x Ascension x Wanted.
Running Ascension and Wanted now.