Lol thanks for the laugh. It’s true. I’m trying to be better about that.
I think maybe it’s because I don’t see them as heroic tasks, just the bare minimum everyone else does. I have to celebrate my own victories more.
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Reflecting on how I’ve been feeling this week, still haven’t listened to my custom again so a bit longer of a washout.
Not feeling all that friendly with people. What I’ve realized is I have a long-standing habit of trying to be overly friendly and accommodating with people to mask my absolute apathy at times for human interaction. That sounds like I’m a sociopath when I say it like that. But I think this apathy might be a reflection of burnout from my deep anxieties around people.
Basically relearning how to interact on my terms, not “perform”. Not easy. It’s made me realize I didn’t really develop natural social skills or more genuine sharing of myself.
These aren’t really criticisms on myself, more like stating facts. There’s a tendency for people to not like me because I’ve behaved in incongruent ways. I can be surprisingly charismatic, but that’s contingent upon me having enough energy to uphold that. I think a lot of this is just what happens when you’ve lived with things like depression or anxiety and tried to hide it all the time to function.
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Holding off on listening till support gets back to me. Right now I’m undecided between Executive and Sanguine as an addition. It’s hard to tell if my executive functioning is poor and needs a boost or if I’m under a tremendous amount of stress that impairs me. I’m leaning more towards Sanguine because the chance of stirring up more recon is minimal. Executive would be a bit of a wildcard.
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Ok having some thoughts. I sat down and meditated for a bit on what is going on inside me.
I am heavily dissociated from my childhood. I don’t like looking at pictures of myself from that age, videos, or even trying to remember things from then. It makes me really uncomfortable. It feels like it happened to a different person. But not in a good way like overcoming it, more like a “this didn’t happen” way.
I’m not saying I did experience trauma. But something back then, it feels like there was something bad about it and I’m constantly running from it. Trying to pretend it didn’t happen. Like why? I don’t think that’s a normal healthy response to childhood.
I really like my custom and I don’t want to bail and jump to purely healing focus because I need a good balance of forward momentum and healing the past. Maybe supplementing elixir would be good. The way to freedom is forward, not being caught up in the past. But on the same note I do have to acknowledge the past and release myself from it.
I’m going to be stacking regeneration with my custom and see how that goes. I decided against elixir because I actually don’t have a point of focus for healing for it to operate in a scalpel like manner. So I figured taking the more broad healing approach of regeneration would be better.
Healing subs alone I’ve learned are a challenge for me because my mind still wants to move forward. So I’m hoping by stacking this I get the push from the custom and then regeneration slowly hits my sticking points I may not be consciously aware of.
Just a daily reminder to myself, I don’t have to be 100% emotionally healed to make important changes in my life. Regeneration will provide support, but it’s important I keep myself moving forward.
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So I gave a listen this morning. I’ll be honest after the past few days I haven’t been in a good place. I listened to regeneration first, then my custom.
Regeneration definitely has an “opening” effect. I felt like the shields that usually pop up with my custom weren’t there as much. Both were 3 minute loops, ZP hitting hard as ever. One thing I notice is that the feeling I get sometimes with ZP is really nice, relaxing. It makes me want to run the full 15 minutes to experience it but I know it would screw me later when I get to processing.
True to its word regeneration is pulling up the things I routinely try to avoid. This is gonna get messy, I know it. But it has to be done. One thing I’m noticing though is as these things are coming up I’m feeling more forgiving of any type of slowdown or trouble doing things. If the bathroom doesn’t get cleaned it’s not the end of the world and I’m not a bad person for not following through. What I’m realizing is there’s been a lot of mental energy expended trying to hold all this back and no compassion for myself for dealing with it.
It always seems like healing makes me feel worse, but I think it’s just a case of putting away the defenses and not trying to push it away.
So far the value of regeneration for me isn’t the healing itself but the mindset around it and framing of it. So often in the past I’d have a “get over it” mentality when it came to healing. But I was never there with myself. I also really like how this sub gives you the ability to self soothe. With any type of emotional work it’s so important to be ok with having the emotions, and that’s something I’ve always struggled with.
Seems like a lot on one listen, but I’m not really a stranger to navigating internal healing. So this was a bit like getting back on a bike. I’ve just been avoiding it for a while. The sub just served as the green light to start diving into all this more without having that “what if you’re not productive anymore?” fear.
I’ve been kicking myself about not getting things done or functioning poorly some days. All my self worth has been tied into what I physically do in the world. That’s been painful to live with. It feels like I’m starting to be able to put all that aside and focus on myself more.
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More stuff I’m realizing. I’m just gonna say it, this is trauma. It might not be what most people think of as trauma but it is.
I don’t think it was recon I was hitting up against, it was trauma loops. I’d push for something, hit a wall subconsciously, struggle and then blame myself.
Hopefully with the addition of Regeneration I can catch these loops as they happen and release them.
So it’s a bit interesting that I am still growing and changing, but it’s not very clear cut. A trauma response doesn’t mean I didn’t grow, but it does have a tendency to emotionally flashback me to previous parts of my life I’ve never healed from. I don’t really get memories, it’s more like someone bodyslams me into the same emotional state and mindset.
It’s kind of complicated, just holding that dual awareness of how I have grown and changed, but at the same time there are parts that haven’t. But I think the addition of this sub is an important piece of the puzzle I’ve been missing.
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Your own Way of health;
Your own Style of Thriving
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Wow Regeneration is great. I should have stacked this a while ago. Things that happened today, this is gonna seem ridiculous so bare with me. These are massive for me.
So it’s Sunday. Usually on Sundays I’m so anxious about going back to work I don’t leave my place. I feel like I have to make the most of my time before the dread sets in. But today I went grocery shopping in the morning with relative ease. I have a serious problem with grocery stores. This time I made a list and only bought things on the list while tuning out everything else. It was a little tough staying focused but I realized how overstimulated I get grocery shopping. On top of that how predatory the placement of everything is to catch high impulse people. Yes I am impulsive ive realized, the difference is I’ve learned not to act on it.
I did some cleaning for my own sanity. Not tripping over cardboard boxes and working on making this place more comfortable. Going to rearrange my music workspace so everything is connected ready to go. Right now I have to unplug and plug in cables and it’s a mood killer.
I started reading a book called The Quick Fix. Seriously good read so far. The chapter I’m on is him exposing the flaws in the whole self esteem movement that damaged more than helped. But really what was amazing today was being able to just sit down, relax, and read a book. I haven’t been able to do that in about 4 years now.
My anxiety about keeping up at my job is slowly dissolving. It’s being replaced by an inner voice that says “forget that, take care of yourself, you’re the most important thing not this job”. I legitimately feel like I want to take care of myself more and have more compassion. It hasn’t been easy existing in a world where people expect you to operate in a manner that disregards any type of neurodivergence. That’s been a lot of pressure on me over the years. Today I sat back and I was like “You’ve got a job, you can afford rent, you’re ok it’s not as bad as you think. Take time for yourself, actually live in the moment instead of getting caught up with what you aren’t doing or achieving”.
And I noticed every time I procrastinate by going on my phone or mindlessly scrolling it’s because of pain. So I ask myself “what are you trying to escape from in this moment?” Heal the emotional pain and trauma and procrastinating goes away. We don’t have to expend willpower to avoid doing things that waste time. Those time wasters have a source, tackle that and you fix the problem. Obviously I’m not 100% but the compulsive urge to escape has diminished a ton and it’s amazing.
Finally this anxious frantic energy to be someone else or achieve goals at the expense of my own health are becoming more obviously rooted in past emotional pain. Once again trying to escape the very real feelings inside of me by thinking some outside achievements will alleviate it.
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So I’m going to be trying every other day with this new combo. I might have cracked my overexposure problem. I’m having a massive shift today where I want to run the subs. Before I got hesitant, afraid, now I want to work on this as much as possible at a pace I can handle. I feel like I can handle what comes up and I have the tools to do so. We will see how I feel the rest of the week. I’m actually feeling excited to face these challenges. It feels like furious ascent is kicking in. I’m welcoming this uncertainty I’m facing towards my future growth.
I’m going to listen on my higher end headphone setup vs my lazy Bluetooth earbud routine I’ve been on lately too. I should leverage whatever I can.
This is wild. One 3 minute loop of regeneration and it’s like it kicked down the walls holding back the custom. I feel like i want to write this off as just having a good day today, but it feels like so much more. And I think dismissing it as one lucky day is just the fear and hopelessness engrained in me, so no this is a huge change and I’m going to accept it as possible.
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How are 3 minute loops working?
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3 minutes seems to be the sweet spot with me. I actually just did a test for myself. I ran Regeneration today without a sleep timer, closed my eyes, and just monitored when I felt my body was too stimulated. I opened my eyes as soon as I felt I hit my threshold and it was about 2:55. So I’d say 3 minutes is the most exposure I can handle before my nervous system gets overloaded.
Back when I was running my 15 minute loops of ZP I mistook that overwhelmed feeling for fear I had to battle through. Turns out it was actually my body signaling that it had enough and I shouldn’t go past that point.
What’s even more interesting is I’ve found I process subs very quickly. There’s not much delay from listening and processing. Maybe 5 minutes.For that reason I’m starting to suspect 3 minutes every other day is ok load/overexposure wise. It’s moreso the content the sub brings up and the potential clashes in my mind with it. I could be wrong but I’m experimenting with the every other day schedule again to see how I feel at the end of the week.
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Some heavy recon this morning. Going to be watching for signs of overload as well. Spelling mistakes, trouble with sentences, overall just making mistakes without being able to consciously catch them.
Might have jumped the gun on the every other day routine again. Seems like there’s blatant in your face processing where it’s obvious you need to rest and then way more subtle “we’re still doing work here, dont push it”. Got a little too excited with my results a few days ago and thought I could double down on it, so far looking like that’s not the case. Three days it is
wow. You’re getting super-granular with this.
You may emerge with a tighter and more effective approach than average.
Generally speaking, I have no minute-to-minute sense of my subliminal processing. Pretty cool that you’re able to monitor and follow them like that. Maybe it’s one of your HSP superpowers (that I lack).
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Could definitely be a HSP thing. ZP really is something else. Still dumbfounded how it can be this powerful in 3 minutes. Over the years I’ve used a variety of subliminals and other subconscious programming methods, I can guage the strength of them and how much they interact with my mind and immediately influence me.
I almost have to be this granular lately because ZP works on so many different layers of the mind. It’s easy for me to teeter off into overload if I’m not conscious of deeper stuff being processed as well.
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Yup I definitely overdid it. This is a very familiar feeling. Going to wait 3 days and reassess.
Here’s the thing though. When I’m alone, relaxing, I can process everything much much better. The problem is when I have recon but have to engage in more strenuous mental activity. It just doesn’t work. The subliminal usage for me has to mesh well with my day to day activities. I’ll probably meditate a bit tonight just to clear the rest of this up so I’m better tomorrow. Lots of emails were retyped today, multiple words in a row, words that I meant to say but put something entirely different, stuff like that. Good indicator the brain needs rest.
Aside from that I started chatting with 2 women I met on dating apps. Both of them are cool. And to my surprise they actually continued the conversations and were actively engaged. Not used to that. So something has definitely shifted. Let me tell you at some point I never considered any aspect of dating “fun”. But lately I’m warming up to the idea of it. Perhaps some Ascension objectives going on there.
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Do you not like your music? Or are you just afraid of showing it to the world? I think it’s the second one. Constantly putting down my own music and not believing it’s good enough is just a clever way of always having it be a work in progress that never sees the light of day. Trying to make things perfect so I can sidestep rejection. At this point I know the approach is toxic and doesn’t work.
Just been thinking about my music more and how I have a tendency to hide it. It’s already out there, but one day it’ll really be out there and connect with some people. At that point I have to let go otherwise I’ll drive myself nuts thinking about what others think.
Still working on optimizing my own work process. Identifying sticking points and what’s causing anxiety. A big one that still hangs around is writing full complete songs. It’s no longer enough for me to push past this stuff and write. I’d like to get to the point where I don’t have anxiety over the process and I’m able to just enjoy the process fully.
One thing I’m noticing running Regeneration, I’m digging deep into more of the dysfunction of processing emotions vs the emotions themselves. Part of me still believes there are ok things to feel vs not ok. It’s not really a conscious decision it kind of just happens. I think this is where a lot of my recon stems from.
I know this is a major issue because sometimes I wake up in the morning feeling like I’ve been “holding back” all night. Then when I’m awake I have to start using conscious guidance to facilitate allowing myself to feel what needs to be felt to gain relief. This tells me when I’m asleep and the subconscious is dominant, it operates from very raw yes or no parameters. The habits I’m conscious of throughout my day and I work on improving are in all likelihood subconscious programming that’s just operating. When I go to sleep at night there’s no ability to sort of override that so really fundamental coping and survival skills run the show and it’s a mess when my subconscious is trying to execute the sub.
I think this is why you can’t brute force anything. You’re never in as much conscious control as you perceive to be.
Having said that the more I look into this stuff, the more it seems these types of behaviors are rooted in emotional neglect in childhood. Truthfully this is all going to be experiential learning and healing. I have to relearn what emotional validation is and understand all parts of my psyche have value, not just these fragmented “good” parts. To “get” this requires more than an intellectual understanding which I already have an abundance of.
Long story short. This is really tough stuff to deal with.
Not really sure if I should just drop my custom for the time being and work this stuff out. Seems like the deeper I dig the more this isn’t a quick surface level issue and it makes the custom harder than it needs to be to run. I’m splitting my focus between two very strong demanding things.
Hmmmm. Maybe wait until I actually stick to the 1 day on 3 days off rest pattern. I might still be dealing with overload. My main concern is I want to build my life and don’t want to put that on the back burner waiting till the healing feels enough. I’ve made that mistake in the past. On the other hand, fundamentally I feel my resources aren’t being used efficiently with my custom because the underlying processing ability is lacking.
Hard decision to make.
Spamming my own journal today I guess. But I decided to stick with both for now. Continuing to run the custom will serve as a reminder that healing isn’t the ultimate answer to everything. There’s always gonna be something, I need to stop putting my life on pause until I feel I’m better.
On that note, today my body feels like it’s trying to release tension. Or rather it feels like everything is all blocked up inside me and not flowing freely like it should. A lot of emotions coming up. A strong one is this fear. Like I don’t know how to do any of this stuff in life and it’s all one big massive anxiety attack. I’m ambitious with what I want in life, but at the same time it feels like death if I stray too far from what I know and can handle.
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