RESOLVE A New ZP Custom

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#13

Sometimes I feel like I have wisdom and sometimes I feel like I have no business saying the things I do. I think it’s hard to have understanding and growth when the thing you want isn’t present in your life. The path of “becoming” vs “being”.

I don’t know how to articulate it any better than that. It does seem like this is trust issues with myself. You have to have trust in your decisions and intuition. Sometimes those come before the major growth. If for every life challenge we could look back on a situation and know exactly what to do and how to do it I guess those wouldn’t actually be challenges.

But it does make me ponder things. How much of this does need to be a challenge? What things can I make easier for myself vs expecting hardship and struggle? Or rather why is there a strong expectation of things being difficult or painful for almost everything. Is this helping or hurting me? Why do I feel having things “easy” is bad? There’s some assumptions here about reality that are in all likelihood just projections of deeper beliefs. What makes them feel any more true than something else is just my lived in experiences.

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#14

Today was rough. Just a bunch of anxiety being around people at my office. One more thing I have to be on top of that drains my energy.

I just don’t think I thrive in environments like this. Like I don’t need it in my life, at all. It’s just annoying that it’s expected of people. Like this is the gold star standard in life and jobs. What if I just want to see people on my terms? Screw being thrust into it every day out of obligation.

I don’t know if I have anxiety because it’s incredibly exhausting having to mask how I’m feeling or if there’s still insecurity there that needs to be resolved so it’s easier to do. But honestly I think it’s the first. When I keep questioning things why am I here? Why am I doing this? Why am I giving my energy away to this thing? It all makes less and less sense and seems like an obligation I got roped into that doesn’t do much for me.

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#15

I have to get this down. One of my biggest fears for most of my life has been ending up homeless and dead. This stems from the great difficulty I’ve had my entire life just maintaining most aspects of my life. The biggest struggle with ADHD is under stress the ADHD gets worse, planning is difficult, sustained attention is difficult, every day functioning is impaired which leads to more stress because things don’t get done. I can’t explain how frustrating it is in words to lack the mental energy to do things. Some days I run on stress and anxiety to get my body to move. Lack of sufficient stimulation in my environment can be just as overwhelming as too much.

I’m mentioning this because the past few years I’ve taken steps to handling more stuff. In my early 20s I could barely leave my house, that’s not an exaggeration. Now I’m fully employed and surviving on my own. But I feel like I’m walking a tightrope every day.

My earlier plans with subs stemmed around creating more security and safety for myself. But with this new custom the goal is to not need a comfort zone anymore. But it’s been really tough so far. I’m going against my own survival instinct that I’ve cultivated for years.

Let me just put it this way, and this probably stems from being an INFP. I make judgement by feeling a lot. Sometimes things feel good but they aren’t good for me. A regular job, routine, non-risk taking life feels like a good safe option. But I know from experience being in something like that makes me agitated, I become resentful of this comfort cage I put myself in. It’s not enough. But I’m drawn to it because it doesn’t trigger my deeper fears. But it’s not fulfilling enough.

This is about a week of my custom so far. There’s a definitive shift but I’m not handling it as well as I like.

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#16

Just gonna keep posting as things come to mind so I can track this stuff.

So I have AM in my custom. Am I aligned with the archetype of AM? Absolutely, I want that confidence and power to direct my life. But I’ve got my pain points. It’s hard for me to align with that archetype because in all honesty most of the time I feel more like a scared child. There’s always a feeling like “you’re never gonna be that confident, never going to get respect from people, they’re always going to see you as the incoherent, weird, nervous guy”. I used to say “ok guess that’s just me, I’m gonna just be the weird dude that stumbles over his words and has trouble conversing fluently”. But I don’t want that.

I guess it’s just hard to hold that frame when you notice really obvious things the exact opposite in your life. You know how many times I drive into work feeling this surge of confidence and then later on in the day feel like a fool? Someone talks to me face to face about some problem they need to figure out and my brain is the equivalent of a buffer of a video on a 56k modem. First I barely process what they just said and then I have to try to figure out how to accurately respond to something where 50% of the info went in one ear and out the other. And I can either talk without looking at someone or look at them and have trouble with fluency I can’t do both. I honestly think my brain fires off and interprets non verbal cues in the person I’m talking to but I can’t hold that information and construct sentences for conversation at the same time. It could just be anxiety but I don’t really know. All I know is I find it hard to be confident when I don’t even appear confident to others based on my behavior.

Guess this is why I want to be a successful musician tucked away from normalcy. I feel like I’m built to not even fit into more mainstream life.

#17

Ok so zooming out this is one aspect of my life, but it doesn’t prevent forward momentum in what I want to do with my music. I have to remember that. More importantly all these little things are more of an issue when I give my power away and let what other people think of me dig into my self worth.

Where I am now is not a reflection of where I’ll be for the rest of my life. I am building confidence, I am improving myself, but I have to be very careful to not try to just throw away the old.

I’ve noticed things like my childhood and how I was in the past make me want to pretend none of it happened. But I’m trying to run again and escape unresolved feelings by trying to build an entirely different identity. This never works.

I think this is a really relevant thing with ZP. I enter it with this idea of where I’ll end up and who I’ll be, but sometimes those are ideals based on insecurity. The first week ZP slowly starts creeping up from behind. Things come to light, feelings, perspectives, deeper awareness of self, etc. The recon starts showing itself as me repressing or trying to push away deeper aspects of myself. As the influence of ZP gets stronger there’s a diminishing ability to hide.

I think this might be why sometimes starting a new sub is like this spark and I start off really bold, then a few days later hit a major wall. It’s not that I responded better to it in the beginning, it’s that it didn’t go down deep enough in my subconscious. So the first listen is actually now 7 days out, that’s working pretty far down now. The subsequent listens aren’t far behind and are catching what the first listen missed. So I think even though there’s a 5 day washout after 21 days you have to be mindful of that first listen.

Maybe a strategy for me in the future is one loop at the start of an entirely new program to sort of prep my mind and give an introduction to it.

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#18

This is valuable.

I think it could be helpful to a lot of people.

Also for part of what you wrote, @Simon described a similar dynamic that he calls ‘The Trailer Effect’. The idea being that the initial exposure to a title gives your mind a kind of ‘movie trailer’ of the full effect that is to come later on. This is almost like an encouraging preview that helps you to stay engaged as the program is integrated into your life on a deeper level.

I find that a similar effect occurs for me all throughout my life because of the significance of intuition in my temperament. My actual life is usually following behind my intuitions at anywhere from a several week to several years lead time. :money_mouth_face: Sometimes it makes you feel like the Greek Cassandra.

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Main Disc. Thread - Objectives / Product Copy Updates / ZP Refresh
Main Disc. Thread - Objectives / Product Copy Updates / ZP Refresh
#19

It’s cool this is an actual observed thing with ZP. Definitely shows how different these subs are to anything else out there.

This is really interesting. Do you find that lead time is more due to not being fully aligned with intuition? Intuition for me is a really wishy washy thing, despite over the years it end up being right. I’ve only had a handful of times where I was very firm in my decision based on intuition alone.

#20

Keep up the good work! :+1:

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#21

Just the converse. My intuition can sometimes see things coming far in advance, but my body has to sit tight and wait for them to actually be here.

I think it is important to learn to trust it so that the information is not just being wasted. But it also takes time to learn to trust it.

Meditation helps and subliminals seem to help.

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#22

Got more of my place packed up for my move so I’ve been feeling way better and ahead of things. So my head is a bit more clear.

Today’s realization. Elevate myself and be bold. There’s going to be no shortage of people who will tell me something can’t be done or isn’t realistic. My job is to elevate my own mental state so I do the things I want to do. My feelings and perspective on life matter even if others find it dumb.

It’s all about building my confidence to the point where the opinions of others will only be considered if it adds value. Cut off the toxic stuff, the what ifs, and the fear of being a person that stands out and lives vibrantly. I’m not going to sit here and hold myself back because others can’t stand to see someone living a deep rich fulfilling life. It feels like in the past I’d look for any little evidence to tear myself down and believe another person over my own intuition.

This might sound really arrogant but I always felt there was another part of me hidden from the world. A creative, untapped potential that had something to give to the world in the form of art. But due to a lot of conditioning over the years I was made to feel this art isn’t valuable and is a dead end. But you know what’s actually a dead end? Putting your passions aside, buying into someone else’s idea of what life is, and trying to convince yourself every day that things are fine. I deserve better than that.

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#23

The rogue module is definitely kicking things up a bit. At my job I have the technical stuff I solve, but I also deal with what I want to call emotional labor. This is when someone starts complaining how they’re so behind on work, why are things so slow, can you make it faster, etc. I’ve stopped investing any amount of energy into trying to help people feel better. I walked into an infrastructure that’s really unstable, I don’t get paid a reasonable wage to maintain it or improve it so it’s not my responsibility. I do what I can and that’s it.

Part of me wants to do something but the company doesn’t deserve it. Some people may see that as a shitty attitude, but you don’t get something for nothing. And the way I’ve been treated here, they’ve lost my respect and my desire to do anything other than keep things afloat.

#24

Feeling really down today. Trying to figure out how to achieve my dreams and desires while navigating all the crap that’s been going on has been tough.

Once I move and get all this sorted I’ve decided to look for a new job. And now I have a more firm idea of where my rate of pay should hit. It’s not a negotiation at that point, it’s a requirement and if companies don’t want to meet me there off I go. Not rolling over and taking table scraps for pay when everything has become more expensive.

Too much crap to deal with in this company and at the end of the day it’s not like I’m well compensated for it. So why bother? The only thing that’s kept me around is fear, that’s it. Fear that I couldn’t get paid as much, that my skills aren’t transferable, that this is the best I’ll get.

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#25

Had a whole thing written up about life then caught myself halfway through it with how self defeating it was.

Things I’m going through right now. 1. Not chaining myself to one version of how this music thing ends up. By insisting it has to be a certain way, I miss opportunities it might manifest through. 2. Losing perspective of what this goal with music is. Self expression yes. Growth yes. I need to do a better job of not basing my self worth on how good I am at it. It needs to be freedom, not another box I put myself in. 3. Taking better care of myself. That means knowing when to push forward vs letting myself recover. I can’t push 24/7. 4. A deeper emotional level understanding that my difficulties in achieving my goals does NOT mean I’m a failure. This one is really tough. For most of my life I’ve had visions and plans in my head that never make it into reality. Hell sometimes when I can’t get the energy together to clean dishes I feel like a failure.

It’s been a really strong reoccurring theme in my life. I’m never doing enough and when I physically can’t do more I feel bad too. There’s no relief from the unending anxiety of feeling like I’ll never have my shit together.

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#26

It’s always going to be Now.

Only moment there ever is.

It’s ironic how much time it can take to arrive at Now.

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#27

This is interesting. The post I wrote prior to this one and deleted was talking about finding the now. How one day I’ll die and all I have is the time I have now to make use of. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of time not even truly living

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#28

The contemplation of time, happiness, and frustration is connected by one ironic insight after another.

The irony grows and grows until all that’s left is happiness.

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#29

Man what a buildup to moving into my new place, but it’s over. I can relax and unwind in my new home. I’m hoping the new location helps me break out of the cycles I always found myself in.

Once I get myself all unpacked I’m going to see what kind of musical expression wants to come out. I haven’t touched anything in weeks.

It’s surreal. I’m gonna be honest here. I’ve been living with my dad for a bit now. We shared a top and bottom floor apartment. Pooling together for the rent money helped both of us out financially. For years I couldn’t get myself to leave because I had no faith in my ability to do it on my own. But now I hit a goal that I was struggling with for years. The deep gut level fear I had about living alone and screwing something up is subsiding. It’s still not easy, but I’ll adjust.

Do I wish I moved out sooner? Maybe. Honestly living here with my dad I shared a lot of good memories. I repaired my relationship with him a lot. Which is interesting because I wasn’t even aware I had deeper psychological hangups around him. He wasn’t a bad person, just had his faults that effected me in childhood. But I’m glad to be able to see all the good in him now and no longer feel a rift between me and him.

So maybe staying here had some benefits for my own growth. Sure I wasn’t some super independent go getter out to conquer the world, but I learned a lot. A lot of people would look at my situation and think I just never tried hard enough or I wasn’t pushed enough. But I’m at a place in my life where I understand the hardships I’ve faced mentally. They can call it being weak or lacking strength, whatever they want. But I don’t care. I know I did the best with what I could work with and that’s more than good enough.

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#30

Congratulations on the move! :partying_face:

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#31

Today I got really sad and cried. Something I haven’t done for years. If I can sum it up briefly, it feels like in order to deal with the manipulators of the world I closed myself off all together. Unfortunately it’s not selective so people I love get blocked out too. So I was really upset.

This isn’t something I chose to consciously do, it kind of just happened due to the circumstances of life. But I was just really upset because of the actions and horrible nature of others effecting my own personal relationships. The years stuck in my head, being detached, not valuing the time I was spending with those I love. Well it fucking hurts. Those moments are done and I missed them.

Everything I’m striving for in this custom is all well and good. But the end result needs to be more connection with people, not less. Not just people, but humans in general. I’d like to shed my cynical nature and trust more people. I don’t want this “every man for himself” mentality. I want to be able to have the vulnerability to depend on others, to look for support in them, to ask for help, to be human. I’m too emotionally independent which is actually a weakness, not a strength. If I can’t feel secure and safe enough to connect with others, then there’s work to do. Fierce independence can be a sign of not being ok with my own needs.

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#32

Just read a good quote. Felt like it was good for you, so I’m sharing it here.

It’s from Martha Graham, the great genius and luminary of American modern dance.

There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open.
(Quoted in de Mille, 1991:264 - Martha: The Life and Work of Martha Graham)

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