Thank you to everyone for the support! I am excited for this journey and I hope you all will enjoy the storyline as well.
@Simon and @AMASH, you both have me conflicted right now as you both have good points I think I will stick with Khan TB and Ev4 for the next few days, evaluate how I’m doing, then decide to add PCC and/or drop Ev4.
Now to start the journal…
Days 1, 2, 3 (Khan TB: 27 hours)
To be honest, 27 hours is a conservative number. I may have up to 14 more hours, but the first night I had it on loop the volume might have been too low (I made a post recently about how to know if the volume is right, although I’m still not entirely too sure all the time if it’s reasonable). The second night I fell asleep with my phone in bed and my blanket fell over it and muffled the sound pretty good. So I didn’t count most of those hours. I’d rather go over 500 hours than under! I’m playing the masked track mainly through my iPhone’s speakers but sometimes I do headphones if needed.
The first day on my first loop I immediately felt a buzzing sensation. Now that I’ve had more plays with ST1, I’d describe this feeling in my brain as the feeling of coming down from adderall. I’ve done week-long water fasts before, and it sort of gives me a similar feeling as that mentally. Something must be working.
The first day of Khan TB I decided to go to a concert, by myself, sober. I’m a former weekend warrior who used to get absolutely smashed every weekend, often 3 days a week going out. About a month or so ago, I’ve decided give up booze for a variety of reasons which I might make another thread about later. I’ve gone to shows solo before (mainly at music festivals when I split up with friends) and have gone out sober before (Emperor v4 made going out sober my most enjoyable experience, sober or not, in a while. I was dominant, confident in myself, had great conversations with people who were tossed, etc. People were surprised I was sober. I didn’t care to justify why). I don’t think I’d ever gone out sober AND solo before though.
I remember before I had to leave, there was some uneasiness. I started journaling in my iPhone notes. I realized that I was worried about how people would perceive me and if I would be approved or fit in to the crowd that was there. The scene I’m into, there aren’t a lot of people of my ethnicity or my style. I was concerned about if they would be suspicious of me or whatever bullshit my mind was coming up me. I often have these thoughts if I’m going to these types of shows, unless I’m with friends or super smashed. I wrote in my journal this: “At my very core and essence, I am a human being first and foremost. My ethnicity is completely irrelevant to this fact.” I felt freedom and the reconciliation, uneasiness, whatever I felt was gone. More on this area later…
I get to the venue and am confused if I entered in through the right way. There was no bouncer outside and it kind of looked like I entered behind the bar. I didn’t. I don’t know why I thought I did. Anyways, I show my ticket and ID. No big deal. I talk to a girl working the merch table and ask how much shirts would. The only shirt left was a size too small for me and she asks to see my arms. She squeezes my biceps and says yeah I should good enough to fit although it’d be a tighter fit like a muscle shirt. I end up buying the shirt. This entire time I felt kind of off, like I couldn’t fully express myself. It felt awkward internally but externally the conversation went fine. She made an excuse to feel my arms which was funny. The awkward feeling must be a combination of sobriety after such a long time of being drunk at social events, being by myself, and of course Khan TB.
The concert was good. Took me about an hour or so to fully get warmed up and start grooving to the music. There was some inhibition and self-consciousness sprinkled throughout the night, but I kept reminding myself that I didn’t need to try to look cool to impress anymore or try to fit in to the culture. There was a dude right next to me who was plastered and was objectively an awful dancer, but he didn’t give a shit. He just kept on grooving hard to music. His girl who was decently attractive didn’t care that he couldn’t objectively dance well, she just saw him having fun. When the DJ played songs that I didn’t really like, I realized I didn’t need to force myself to dance and act like I liked it. I did this A LOT in past, I guess in an effort to look cool or look like I actually liked this type of music. I realized that I didn’t need to be incongruent: if the music doesn’t get my feet wanting to move, then I wasn’t gonna act like it did.
People bumped into me and were drunk, but I kept that “everyone is my friend” frame. Some dudes were having a great time although something about them struck a chord in me that initially had me not like them. I shrugged off the feeling and tried to absorb some knowledge from them (“look at them dancing all crazy and freely having a great time. they don’t give a shit about what anyone thinks of them and that’s awesome”). Also talked to a dude who was there by himself, he was kind of a nerdy, awkward guy, but I had no problem with him. When I left the concert, I talked to the same merch girl again and I asked how much the vinyls were. I had no intention on buying the vinyls I just wanted to chat. Internally and externally this time, the conversation was awkward but that was fine.
The second day I spent most of the time driving home to visit family. I noticed at gas stations that a cashier was checking me out. But I felt awkward internally and the situation may have been as well. On Emperor, I felt like the man internally. I ordered food and got it the girl who made it. I looked at her and she looked me, looked away, then looked again. I held eye contact and felt sexual and calm doing it, despite the awkward feeling I’ve had recently. In my head, I was like, “damn, I can’t talk for shit and I feel weird recently, but when I’m done with Khan I’m gonna be a fucking beast.”
Side note: right before I started Khan TB the first day, I broke a part of my phone and had to get it replaced. Thankfully, I found a local spot that did it for wayyyyy cheaper than what Apple was charging. The second day when I was driving back, I got a significant speeding ticket and points on my record. The positives of this, I handled both of these myself and felt great doing it. Not too long ago, I would run to my parents and try to get them to pay them off. I didn’t even think about this now. I just did it myself and felt great about it. I’m thinking Emperor played a role. I probably shouldn’t have been playing Khan TB for so long while driving a car. The reconciliation got bad sometimes to the point where I couldn’t wait for the loop to be done so I could turn on a podcast and take a break. I noticed that my left ear would hurt sometimes. Nothing too bad. Sometimes I’d get a little mini headache like you would from dehydration. I think it’s my subconscious trying to get me to stop listening.
The third day I was tired as shit and didn’t feel like getting out of bed despite getting enough sleep. Been like this since running TB. I didn’t feel like doing anything until I finally went downstairs and ate some food. Then I started feeling better and some joy for once instead of the constant numb, buzzing, adderall-comedown-like feeling. My mom came home and brought back food. My eye contact even towards my mom felt pretty weak. Like I couldn’t look her in the eyes. Anyways the food was some shitty takeout and I told her she should start bringing back healthier foods for my dad as he has health issues like high blood pressure and being pre-diabetic. I could tell she didn’t give a single fuck about what I was saying. Like clearly, even revealing a smirk at times. I tried to get her off booze in the past and she brought this up and made more lame excuses about why she couldn’t (“well, all my friends drink and they’re fine so I’m okay” and “I’m too stressed” and “I need to be social”). I couldn’t hold back my emotions and went off. I was angry and mad. I was trying to help out her and my dad’s health and I knew she was essentially ignoring it.
Eventually, I ended the conversation and said “nevermind, I’m done talking. do what you want”. She asked why I was being so mean (shaming tactic). In my head I was thinking Khan ST1, but verbally I stated it was because she was dismissive of what I was saying. I told her I was allowed to be upset and mad and she just rolled her eyes. She’s tried to push good health and show us all of these health documentaries in years prior. She wasn’t following or standing by anything she used to promote. In the past, I probably would not have had a proper response to her “you’re being mean” tactic. Recently, I’ve started viewing my mom as having the traits and tendencies of any other females, instead of seeing her as different and perfect cause she’s my mom. Anyways, I felt like she tried to win me over by now saying she’s going to make healthier foods despite her excuses earlier. But I have a feeling once I leave, she’s gonna go back to the old ways.
This relates to what I said earlier about me worried about fitting in at that concert. I have realized entire life I have always been the outlier in the group/community. From being a young kid to high school to college. I am mixed, and as a young kid because of my mom I was always around and a part of a community of people who I did not look like. I always wanted to be a part of the community and be like them and although I was a part of the community, I was never going to look like them and be viewed as being like them and talk like them. I always stood out. Culturally, I was different too. I couldn’t speak the language. I wasn’t ashamed of my other ethnicity from my dad, but I never really embraced it fully. I think this is the case today. I don’t fully embrace my other heritage and that’s why I’m not fully comfortable with my self in situations where I am the odd one out. Society has given me negative beliefs and stereotypes. “People who see me at night will think I’m dangerous. A person like me doesn’t go to concerts like that. People will look at you differently”.
As a kid, I remember a weekend at a retreat where (I was the odd one again) someone who I thought was my friend, seemingly out of nowhere, shoves me and tells me to go home and that no one liked me because of my skin color. I didn’t have a response and it definitely hurt. My other friends stood up for me and gave me support afterwards, but still that definitely affected me. Another time that weekend, I was with a big group of people that I mostly didn’t know and we were walking to the field to play soccer. A car alarm went off. Someone in the group jokingly said “it must’ve been that ____ kid that set it off” referring to me and implying that I tried to rob and steal from that car. I was like the youngest kid there. Things like this must have stuck in my subconscious and made uncomfortable in situations where I’m the outlier, causing me to want to gain approval and try extra hard to fit in and show “hey, I’m one of you guys!”. In these scenarios, sometimes I’m hesitant to talk to people or fully express myself sober cause I don’t want to look like that kid that “just set off that car alarm”. I completely forgot this ever happened until I ran TB… I need to embrace myself fully for who and what I am and be proud. My style, my skin, my heritage, genetics, everything.
I will probably include dreams I’ve had in my next post because this one’s already pretty long. Thanks for reading along.