Joe is a little… directionally challenged in the dating world. Not emotionally lost like a Jane Austen character—more like a guy trying to navigate with a GPS that only speaks Klingon.
He doesn’t know what he wants. A girlfriend? A situationship? A woman who can bake sourdough and bench press him? No clue. And as for what to believe? Well, Joe treats dating advice like a buffet, he piles on everything, even if it doesn’t go together.
One night, fueled by instant noodles and existential loneliness, Joe dives headfirst into YouTube. He stumbles onto a playlist titled Become a Super ALPHA Male Today curated by a guy with a bald head wearing dark shades, flexing while drinking a whisky and smoking a cigar.
The videos all say the same thing:
- “Date younger women. Like… much younger.”
- “Women in their 30s have expired eggs.”
- “If she remembers dial-up internet, she’s not ‘high value.’”
Joe pauses, furrows his brow, and then does the thing all confused men do, nods like he’s just uncovered a lost scroll of ancient wisdom.
“Ahhh. Now I know,” he whispers, like he’s solved the Da Vinci Code.
The next day, Joe starts preaching his new gospel with the subtlety of a guy shouting on the london underground.
“Bro, never date women your own age. Science, bro. Biology. Their eggs are basically dust!”
When his friends point out that Joe can barely keep a succulent alive, let alone raise a child, he scoffs.
“That’s not the point. It’s about optics. If she’s not 25, I’m not alive.”
He now exclusively dates women who think Friends is a vintage show and who ask what a fax machine is. One date asked if Nirvana was a type of incense.
Poor Joe. He doesn’t realize he’s just traded confusion for delusion.
But hey—he’s out there. With confidence. With questionable ethics. And probably with a YouTube Premium subscription.