I don’t know what this is.
Emotions unfettered probably.
I feel overwhelmed.
I was walking on my gums, as we say in German.
For months now.
But I only realized how bad it was last week.
After taking up Ascendet Love again.
Now, I realize at a bigger scale what’s going on in me. I can’t keep it deep down anymore.
I feel very emotional.
But not only that. Suddenly I have this brain fuck my fiancee talks about all the time. When I try to sleep, my thoughts wander around. All things I kept off my thoughts for years suddenly pop up. Things I was easily able to ignore for years.
Also, I was just smoking a cigarette at the open window. And it was devastating. All the noise. Cars, honking, a chainsaw, a tractor, everything at once. That too, I never noticed before. I was able to hear it consciously, but now it streams unfiltered into my mind. It’s tiring.
Since I work at the gas station, I regularly bring leftovers like bread rolls, donuts, sandwiches, etc. Mostly for our chickens, but I also eat the stuff I like that is still good to eat. The stuff we don’t like, I place next to the stairs so my uncle can feed it to the chickens.
Yesterday, there were great things left, stuff I really like. Like an italian Chickenburger, Tramezzini, a few Burgers…
I placed it where I always place it. It it never got taken. But when I wanted to grab the chickenburger today, the whole bag was missing.
After searching everywhere, I asked my uncle, for whom I’ve just cooked lunch, where it is. He fed it all to the chickens. There are five bags still in the basement, waiting to get fed. But he feeds them the fresh stuff I didn’t place next to the stairs.
Something exploded in me.
I was angry, pissed, annoyed.
This was the first time, I consciously came aware of the pain I was feeling. How I needed Dopamin to ease the pain. I wanted a sexual release for the Dopamin. But being close, I realized that it would do nothing.
It’s crazy what is going on in me since I started AL again.
