Openmind - Emperor v4

Journals - Major Programs
#1

I hit some rough times of late in many areas of life and my confidence is low, basically in shell shocked self-doubting state. To make matters worse I’ve been eating like crap and watching porn again, which provides temporary relief but inevitably makes a bad situation worse.

I have used subliminal tracks before and the best results I’ve ever had was from emperor v2 and v3. Emperor helped push me through a lot of anxieties that prevented me from getting things done. An example could be avoiding cleaning the gutters due to a fear of talking to the neighbours. Most of my anxiety issues relate to lead-up fears, as once I am in the situation, I handle it well. Emperor created an internal drive to get things done that appeared to override these lead-up anxieties I have. What I didn’t like about emperor, especially v2, was every 4th or 5th night while listening, I would wake up in panic, as if I was having an existential crisis. This smoothed out with v3 but it still happened from time to time, and I hope v4 will be even smoother.

This run of emperor v4 I will ease in slowly as under my current circumstances I don’t think running loops night and day will be good for me. I ran 2 loops the other night and 4 loops last night and today I feel better than I have in weeks. It’s a promising start and I will stick to 4 loops per night and gradually increase when the time is right. I’ll also improve other areas of my life, as I mentioned already, I will exercise, eat better and stop watching porn. I’ll keep you guys updated on how things work out.

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#2

It’s really inspiring that you’re at such a moment of change, where you can’t take it any longer, and are serious about moving to a better place.

That’s the place of highest leverage for true change. And I hope you will keep that motivation until you reach your goals!

Btw, talking about your fear of talking to the neighbours. It made me wonder: Do you live alone without people to interact with because of this anxiety, or do you live with room-mates / family so you’re not totally alone at home?

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#3

Hey AMASH, thanks for writing. I am actually married with 3 kids. I struggle sometimes looking after myself because it seems I exist only to meet the needs of others. One of my kids has a disability and I am currently paid as a full-time disability carer.

I have always had anxiety and an avoidance disorder but it is worse of late. I know it relates to low self-esteem and it is worse since staying at home and looking after kids. I sometimes wonder why it bothers me what other people may think because my family is all that matters to me, as without them I would be nothing.

Anxiety and self-esteem issues:

  • early childhood; domestic violence, unpredictable and controlling mother, unavailable father.
  • hyperhidrosis during teens, led to alcohol, marijuana, porn, internet and RPG/RTS gaming addictions.

At about age 22 I decided to get my act together after being triggered by several failed attempts to have sex. I could not get it up which was likely related to the porn addiction, but at the time I had no knowledge of that issue. I got off the computer and found a job and worked a lot of hours. I found a girlfriend (wife) who helped me work through the sex issue. Things were better, I found clinical strength deodorants which stopped the excessive sweating, I started lifting weights, I saw a psychologist who helped me work through issues relating to childhood trauma. I studied for 4 years and became a math teacher. The career was short lived, as I disliked the job and was suffering from depression and anxiety at the time. I went from job to job, always having a desire to work for myself, but I never found the courage and motivation to create a plan and take action, despite having some good ideas.

I am where I am now, not perfect, but better than where I have been. I have a nice house and family, my wife only works several days a week, so she is able to take over with the kids, allowing me to workout and have some much needed alone time. According to the MBTI, I am also an INTJ personality type which never did me any favours in life as I have always found it difficult to socialise and connect with certain types of people.

I hope I did not overshare, but I felt like writing out a brief overview of my situation after reading your post. Cheers.

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#4

Thank you @openmind, we’re an openminded community here. So you did not overshare, you shared the right things for us to understand you and your situation better.

So, if I understood you correctly, you are not caring for your children especially your disabled child, you had a rough past, and now it bothers you that people may think your family is all that matters to you, that without it you would be nothing.

And from this place where you are right now, what goals would you have? What ideal life and ideal day would you wish for instead of what you have now?

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#5

Yeah sort of. I don’t mind doing what needs doing for my family, but I care too much about what other people think of me for not having a traditional male role, working 9-5.

Right now I’m trying to optimise how I feel by improving diet, quitting porn, sleeping more, exercising. Just looking for the energy to get what needs doing done. I hope to improve my confidence and feel better about myself. When the time is right, I’d also like to go into business and make some money.

But it’s just baby steps right now after I hit a rough patch. I use Emperor because it helps improve my mindset and motivates me to get things done. I have been way more productive since running 4 loops a night and an occasional loop during the day. I’ll gradually increase loops over the weeks and see how it goes.

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#6

First Week:

It’s been a good week, 4 loops per night with an occasional loop during the daytime hours. Yesterday I noticed some reconciliation as I felt depressed and angry. There was a battle going on in my mind but after I told myself that I have been through this before and I am strong enough to get through it again; the negative feelings kind of eased up. During one of the low points I did consider switching subs or adding a few loops of daredevil to the playlist but because the thoughts were being triggered by reconciliation / fear, I decided to stick with the 4 straight loops of emperor.

Today I feel much better and in another couple of days if I am still feeling positive then I will increase the playlist to 5 loops and see how that works.

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#7

It turned out that v4 was not so good for me but I wanted to come back and give an update on the Q version I have been running. Holy crap, I been non-stop getting stuff done almost to the point of exhaustion. I can’t waste a day without accomplishing something otherwise I am left unsatisfied. I only log back in to write how amazing this sub (emperorQ) is working, I think I have used it for about a month. I nearly gave up on using subliminals because I started to think they were more negative than positive but this one has been great. I think everyone is wondering what has gotten into me lately. It took a week or two to start kicking in but I am really loving the results. I have been listening to 4 loops (4 hours) per night, I find adding more loops than this makes me feel too angry the next day.

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#8

this is great that Q is working so well for you!

Did you see any other changes besides increased productivity?

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#9

Yeah I think so. I don’t seem to care so much about what people might think of me. It could be a self-esteem increase or I am just too focused on getting stuff done to worry about that any more. Nothing is perfect though and probably never will be but I think the sub is pushing me in the right direction both physically and mentally. I am more positive, instead of worrying about what might happen, I think more like that it does not matter what happens because I can handle it and find opportunities within it. I never thought that way, I was more pessimistic about change. Daily routines have been solid, stuff like preparing meals for the day early in the morning and working out have been consistent. I rarely miss meditating for 10-20 minutes per day, hit a cold shower each night before bed. NoFap goal has been a failure of late but I don’t really care about that anymore. EmpQ amps me up to the point where I need some release from time to time.

That’s all I can think of, but mostly it’s been a huge increase in productivity and motivation. I can’t stop doing something and if I run out of things to do, then I start looking for things to do. It’s good for me, but sometimes I get scared I am a bit too manic and wonder how to slow down. I think the meditation helps there as kind of grounds me again.

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