I was trying to manage reconciliation. I’m back on the standard listening schedule though.
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Had a dream last night about a girl from my childhood I had a crush on. She’s a wife and mother now but in my dreams she wanted me bad. She came on so strong but I turned her down because she had a family.
I thought about going on a washout and then moving to stage 2 but then saw a girl on IG who works at a bar that I frequent. She’s hot of course and I saw a video of her on a yacht having a good time. Recon kicked in and I thought to myself “I can’t afford to take her on a yacht” I now everything seems pointless.
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I started my washout Sunday (Mar 5th) and recon hit me with somethings clearing. Twice this week I felt like I had a good cry even though I didn’t cry and from the drive to the office up until a few moments ago I question if being a Khan is what I really want. If even have lots of girls is what I want. I started reading the description of Heartsong and I felt the recon clearing. Today is the last day of the washout, I’m open to opinions.
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Since you got already quite some rounds of st1 under your belt go st2?
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True, I said I was staying the course and I will. Feeling much better now anyway. Reconciliation I tell ya
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Just finished my second therapy session, went well, very encouraging. One of things we spoke about is my anxiety in terms of dating and relationships, approach anxiety to be exact and some how he got me to give myself an assignment. I have to try and spark up a conversation with at least 10 girls. Lets see what happens.
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Listened to my second loop this morning. Right now feeling impatient, frustrated and worse lonely. I don’t want to be single anymore. I want to have a wife and for us to start a family of our own.
Feeling everything settle down now. Stage 2 really does make you question yourself.
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When I reached the office this morning, I felt myself getting humbled. Everything that I want and that I have now prior to going back to Khan I know I don’t deserve it. I should be grateful for what I have and put in effort for anything else that I desire.
Bare with me because things are about to get strange. I love Pro-Wrestling and someone who I feel I relate to the most is The Miz. Someone who has accomplished a lot but a lot of people think he doesn’t deserve it, hasn’t earned it. I imagined that I was The Miz and I was retiring and in the end I was thank everyone who I ever worked with who made me look better than I really was. “I’m The Miz but its because of all of you why I’m Awesome.” I even imagined myself as The Miz being inducted into the Hall of Fame, and I was tackled to the ground the same way Bret Hart was. I could barely get through the speech and I was fighting back tears. I was fighting back tears in real life too.
I do this a lot. Letting my imagination wonder and allowing myself to be somebody else. Taking a break from myself. Entering into fantasies where I have everything I could ever want, stand up to whoever tries to push me around and handle the consequences with next to no effort. Then the fantasy is over and I’m just me.
The recon cleared a good while ago, just typing out some stuff. Its not enough to want a better reality, I have to work towards it. I have to work to fix my reality so I don’t feel the need to escape myself anymore.
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Been going about things all wrong, but I’m going to do it right for real this time. Just going to require me stepping away from the forum for a bit but will be keeping an offline journal. See you all soon.
@RVconsultant @DarkPhilosopher please close this thread.
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