Now I am going to go into a detailed breakdown of everything until this point so that anyone reading (including the future me) has a better understanding of the complete situation and can keep up/ guide me in the right direction for my greatest benefit.
A quick summary of my past
A lot of my younger years were apparently pretty decent until age 5 or 9 (some even considered me gifted) or so from which I started piling on trauma after trauma and my quality of life fell drastically ( do not want to get into this much , atleast for now). I lost all my social skills and became introverted, lost all motivation to study and perform, started gaining a bunch of weight, started getting picked on and just ended up shifting from Living to Survival mode. This went on until age 16 where after a rejection from a crush I discovered the world of self help and realised I could change my life by putting in effort. I lost a bunch of weight, started experimenting with game, made some mistakes, let go of important milestones like exams that could help shape my future. As a 16 year old I suddenly discovered I had the power to get the life I dreamed of finally after so much pain, especially considering the fact that I was filled with intense regret/FOMO because I had not lived for so many years and just let life pass me by, escaping whilst everyone had fun. I let go of everything : studies, future planning etc… and just focused on game and socialising to finally become “cool” and live the life I always dreamed of living. This happened for the next few years, and whilst I never really got the results I wanted (a mixture of not putting in enough effort + overshooting and being unsatisfied/ungrateful with anything less than 100% of exactly what I wanted), I made this my primary focus to the point where it controlled my life and everything else took a backseat. I ended up neglecting my studies massively which impacted my ability to get results in the traditional sense ( a blessing in a way haha but not really) and I did “fail” in a lot of societal milestones that spoilt a lot of my chances at trying to get the things I currently want + impacted my relationship with my parents massively. At this time I also discovered the world of inner work and understood traumas. I reflected a lot on my past and as a result of suddenly facing everything all at once, I did what anyone in my place at this point in my journey would do, which is to blame the external which unfortunately included my family and this developed a strained relationship with them for the next few years + a lot of hatred towards them.
Also in continuation with my obsession to be “cool”, now including fame, I was trying out a bunch of shortcuts to become a top 1% person because at such a young age ( I was 19 at this time), we tend to believe everything happens at the snap of our fingers, I did not take anything seriously enough, and at a time where people pick one area to focus on and grow, I was jumping around overwhelmed with trying to do everything all at once, which as one can imagine led to 0 results in all areas. Then Covid happened and everything came to a standstill. This was a very therapeutic period for me since I matured a lot, healed a lot and also got into spirituality. I learnt about the importance of relationships, I felt called towards healing the world because I felt like through my personal development journey I had grown massively and now as a “evolved being” could save the world and so I let go of all material goals “fame, money, success” and chased evolution, service and knowledge. (Side note, this was also a time where I was overwhelmed a lot because my chasing of knowledge led me down the rabbit hole of conspiracies etc and I was confused and overwhelmed by everything coming at me all at once and could not make sense of anything. I was extremely confused, couldn’t figure out what was right or wrong anymore and just felt extremely lost).
Unfortunately this did not last very long because as covid slowly went away and we went back to reality, I got sucked back into my old desires and used this as the perfect excuse to run away from all the chaos that was going on in my mind because I felt like I could not understand life anymore and I did not know what was real and what was not. I tried to focus on the material : relationships, career etc but as mentioned before due to my negligence of taking the opportunity to build the foundation of my career early on, now I could feel the impact where it suddenly felt like I had no options whatsoever and was completely stuck in a dead end, forced into something I was not interested in anymore and unable to switch out of it. (Where I am from it is not as easy to switch careers, you can choose to, but getting qualifications/jobs is difficult and can often require starting afresh and giving up many years without even knowing if this is what truly interests you), this led to another layer of chaos. Also I learnt a very hard life lesson, which was healing is not a do it once and you are sorted for life, you keep facing challenges, which get harder as you grow, and facing these challenges knocked me back down to where I started at age 16. At age 22 I felt like I didn’t really know anything, I was at the same place I am when I started at age 16, but I just felt more burnt out.
Taking Losses after Losses got to me, and I did not have the tools to cope with how real and difficult life had suddenly become. This did make me feel extremely powerless and everything felt so overwhelming and hopeless that I just ended up escaping it all once again and kinda gave up on life. I just felt like I lost the game of life. I had strained relationships both platonic and romantic (nor was I a super seducer/ social king/sex god) . My spirituality took me nowhere ( I had no super powers/ no answers or knowledge/ couldn’t help myself let alone others) . I had no career direction, nor was I rich or even knew what I truly wanted to do (I had a bunch of ideas but nothing concrete or at the top, it just felt like I wanted to do a million things without even knowing where to start). So I just let go of it all.
Fortunately life stepped in and started gently nudging me in the right direction. It all started with a solo trip I took as a graduation present which ignited a passion for travelling in me and it was the first time in my life that I felt true abundance (at a small scale) and felt like I could achieve all my dreams. I came back from this trip with a burning passion of being ready to live my dream life NOW, instead of always pushing it in the future. However life is funny, and soon it gave me another experience that slapped me back down to reality (funny how in a few months I felt the most abundant I ever felt and the most scarcity I ever could feel at once). However this experience did not demotivate me, it lit a fire within me that made me realise it is now upto me to create the life I want and to fulfil all my dreams with effort and actions ( I had the tools, subs, magick, personal development knowledge and everything else I could need), and I decided that this would be the first day of the rest of my life.
This was in October 2023. Since then I decided to let go of my desires for relationships, fame (atleast for now) and start focusing on building a foundation. I started trying to figure out how to make money and become more independent ( tried out a few things : writing, social media, copywriting and currently IT) had a few bad experiences and set backs (one of which made me lose someone I considered a close friend, and made me feel extremely weak and let go of all my humanity haha. However it also brought in a burning desire for power and wealth atleast for protection and a decision to never be exploited and be powerless again. Another learning lesson). From October until now life has not been easy at all. I am still struggling with the same things I was since day 1, however now I can confidently say that for the first time I am actually trying to improve things, I believe in abundance because I see everyone killing it and it just feels like if everyone can do it then why not me, I can also 100% achieve it all as long as I put in the work (however sometimes jealousy and fomo overtakes and makes me low). I am not overwhelmed with career/money anymore and instead of feeling defeated due to the problems, I am trying to find solutions and carve my path to success. I am trying my best to not get distracted by relationships anymore, I know it is not the right time for it and I need to focus on my growth now ( however sometimes it gets lonely but I am strong enough). I am slowly facing all my addictions (smoking, unhealthy eating, escaping from reality via content/games, living in imagination and over sexualisation coming from lack which leads to draining my energy). I am slowly trying to improve my looks, health, fitness and grow my body to its ideal state. I am able to handle my mind (mental + emotional) better due to sanguine, however I know that I need to get back to inner work and this time stick to it lifelong (which I will in due time once I am more settled and independent) and lastly I am more confident about my spirituality ( magick, superpowers, manifestation, knowledge and everything else).
I know I will achieve everything I want. The money, fame, looks, health, relationships, sex, status, power, mental and emotional health, baggage free, knowledge, tools to face life, legacy, belongingness, ascension and everything else I desire. At this point I am the worst I have ever been but at the same time the strongest I ever have been. It’s not a matter of IF anymore but WHEN.
This is a brief summary of my journey so far, a lot has been skipped out (somethings intentionally, others not) but it just helps put things in perspective and in many ways is also extremely healing (in rehab this is the first step to healing - the autobiography of your life).
I want this journal to be for me a reflective tool, a place to vent and release my emotions, a record of my journey I can look back upon once I make it, a real self expression of myself that might just be the light that might save/motivate someone and anything else I need it to be. THIS IS MY SPACE.
I also invite everyone part of this community to be a part of this journey. Please guide me, I might not always listen but you never know a small advice of yours could make a massive difference in my life, please engage if you feel comfortable, this is as much a journey of us all as a collective as my personal journey of life. Even if you are just a silent reader or might not read this (intentionally or unintentionally) know that you are still a part of this journey and all rewards (manifestations, positive energies, epiphanies, blessings, and everything else humanity needs to evolve) is for all of us to be shared and experienced together in this journey of life. Life is way too abundant, a lot more than we can even fathom, we just need to reach that abundance and live by it.
If you made it all the way to here I thank you for investing your energy in being a part of my journey.
No matter who you are I appreciate you. Having said that lets begin 
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. I’ll try with 5 since today I have to listen to Sanguine.