I considered messaging @Fire directly about this, but reconsidered since a number of others are using DR presently. I’m using RED st.1 with 5 minute loops, and a money memory just came up. I’m feeling the connections.
I listened to my 2nd loop last night. I’ve not had recon. But just like the first loop, I had a clear emotional memory of a childhood mentality I grew up with.
I was looking out a window (in both the memory and at that moment) and a entangled cluster of emotions came up–about money. Fear, worry, and feeling powerless over what was.
My mom raised 4 children all alone. And even until she passed away, she relied on government assistance. Money was something we never talked about with positivity; if it was brought up, we’d quickly be met with “we don’t have the money”, or “we can’t afford that”.
I adopted that…powerless mindset. I’m in my 50’s, and I’ve literally never had long-term financial goals. Not because I didn’t know what I wanted. Rather, I’d have left that mentality. Maybe this is sick, but I always wanted to emotionally bond with my mom–and this unhealthy mindset was her main expression. She “couldn’t, wouldn’t, and didn’t” change her ways. She was a lifelong alcoholic, and the cycle was repetitive.
I’ve held to this powerless mindset thinking, like a kid, that maybe she’d love me if I supported her thinking. Yeah, that’s little kid thinking.
I’m realizing I’ve dodged responsibility in money issues since…poor choices were all I felt deserving of. I felt ashamed of this standard, so I’ve dodged conversations about career planning and such.
But the root: I felt powerless and only had rare fantasies of change. I’ve been carrying that.