Money memories with DR RED

I considered messaging @Fire directly about this, but reconsidered since a number of others are using DR presently. I’m using RED st.1 with 5 minute loops, and a money memory just came up. I’m feeling the connections.

I listened to my 2nd loop last night. I’ve not had recon. But just like the first loop, I had a clear emotional memory of a childhood mentality I grew up with.

I was looking out a window (in both the memory and at that moment) and a entangled cluster of emotions came up–about money. Fear, worry, and feeling powerless over what was.

My mom raised 4 children all alone. And even until she passed away, she relied on government assistance. Money was something we never talked about with positivity; if it was brought up, we’d quickly be met with “we don’t have the money”, or “we can’t afford that”.

I adopted that…powerless mindset. I’m in my 50’s, and I’ve literally never had long-term financial goals. Not because I didn’t know what I wanted. Rather, I’d have left that mentality. Maybe this is sick, but I always wanted to emotionally bond with my mom–and this unhealthy mindset was her main expression. She “couldn’t, wouldn’t, and didn’t” change her ways. She was a lifelong alcoholic, and the cycle was repetitive.

I’ve held to this powerless mindset thinking, like a kid, that maybe she’d love me if I supported her thinking. Yeah, that’s little kid thinking.

I’m realizing I’ve dodged responsibility in money issues since…poor choices were all I felt deserving of. I felt ashamed of this standard, so I’ve dodged conversations about career planning and such.

But the root: I felt powerless and only had rare fantasies of change. I’ve been carrying that.

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@subliminalguy : Your whole post made me want to run DR Red ahead of time. I wasn’t planning on even touching it before 2025 but some of the things you wrote resonate with my own experience. On a very personal level. I’m just waiting for EOG to drop so I can figure out how to rearrange my stack. Maybe I can fit DR Red in somehow.

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I think it can definitely help you, DR Red has been helping me overall and finances are included, has helped me with emotional spending and what not.

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I’ll admit, with tears, something I am realizing after your response @ksub. Because I wanted to reply. Then I put up a wall again. Then DR started softening me again.

I’ve had that same “poor” mentality in relationships. Every single one. Living by my own, and other’s, limitations.

“If I respond, I’ll feel MY hurt”
“If I’m vulnerable, noone will want to be around me”
“People see me as weak”
“I may have to run an alpha sub so I won’t be hurt”

This flow of ideas goes on and on until I wake up tomorrow, wanting to just hide. From life.

This has been happening on and off for months. Fearing rejection has been the root.

I think I’ve been rejecting myself much more, and more frequently, than anyone else.

And I feel like I’m walking right into this with DR RED, almost like it’s guiding me.

Join in when you’re ready @ksub.

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