Entry I
Have been listening to StarkQ for around 2 weeks. Started slow with just 1-2 loops per day. For the past week 4-6 loops.
The day right after my first listen was the most noticable, probably exactly because I didn’t pay attention to the effects to the point I forgot I had listened to StarkQ. That day me, my mom and her boyfriend had dinner together; I initialed a conversation with him and I was at ease the whole time. Now the thing is we ain’t actually friendly, he dislikes me and because of that I dislike him too. Normally we would just ignore each other as if the other person was transparent.
A day or two later, depression came at me and I added Sanguine Ultima to deal with it. For a day or two I deliberately overwhelmed my mind by listen to it and occasionally StarkQ all day to crowd out the mean voices and thoughts in my head. My mind was foggy, I could literally feel and kinda “see” in my mind a gary colour veil cover my brain.
Depression calmed down afterwards, though it’s clear that it’s still lurking around. After comparing the descriptions of SanguineU and Rebirth, and being poked by my intuition. I dropped SU and listened to RebirthU instead, all while keeping StarkQ as my main program.
RebirthU (2-3x per day) seemed to work more efficiently, as it was more align with my mind, probably because deep down the priority of mine is not trying to be positive (SU), I just don’t wanna be negative, i.e. I am not looking for happiness, I just want no unhappiness. I really like RU.
For StarkQ, to be honest, I haven’t noticed any clear indications that it is beneficial to me apart from the one incident mentioned above. If any thing, somehow I waste my time more severely. I browse useless stuff and my interest in reading decreases a lot. I have no motivation to learn new stuff nor improve my skills. My sleep quality also decreases; I am like a kid again, staying up late for no particular reason, just simply not wanting to go to bed even though I was sleepy. I also noticed that my ability to recall knowledge seems to lessen, e.g. not recalled the name of a particular concept, spelling of a foreign word. Last week I lost my two months no fap streak. Yet I wasn’t as devastated as I used to be, my mentality was more neutral, almost more mature about what happened. In short, I let it go easily. Some days I was easily irritated with 6 loops but it could also be because of ultrasonic version. There were days I listened to the masked version 6 loops throughout the day and I was fine (apart from my ears hurting hence I listen to ultrasonic version even though I don’t prefer it).
Not sure if it was reconcilation, but a random thought of dropping StarkQ came up out of nowhere sometimes, and disappeared just as randomly. Last night I was lying on bed and many bad memories and bad thoughts popped up. My mind did what it had been doing, telling me to just end it all, why bother, what’s the point, I am wasting my time etc, it kept pulling me to a hopeless future, kept showing me where I would be (nowhere). I was too tired mentally, emotionally and physically, and I needed a distraction/stimulation - I decided to drop RebirthU and go for RegenerationQ instead while keeping StarkQ.
My first entry now ends with me listening to StarkQ and RegenerationQ. I am planning to listen to each three to four times per day including both masked and ultrasonic versions and see how they go.
