Something’s happening. And I don’t know what it is.
When I ran Dragon Reborn, I started to get these powerful gusts of processing of past relationships, sometimes there would be a strong nostalgia or a visceral re-experiencing of the sensations of that time. Not like when you’re just retelling yourself a story, but more like literally reliving. What hypnotists might call “revivification”.
That makes sense with Dragon Reborn since it’s activating complexes and dissolving internal blocks.
I found a similar thing happening to me today. Just now.
I had my first love relationship when I was 18. In the end, she was ignoring me or blowing me off to spend time with people with whom she preferred to spend time. She graduated college a year before I did, and I’d skipped a year of school earlier. So she was 1.5 to 2 years older than me. Things ended not too long after she’d graduated. The point is she was moving into another phase of her life and figuring out who she was going to be in her adult version.
The ending was that we went on a big trip with a large group of other people. She was more connected to these people than I was. But I tried to get involved as best I could.
We actually travelled by road and went through 3 or 4 cities performing.
We ended up as our final destination at a kind of convention or large gathering kind of thing. Other similar groups who had been doing the same thing from other locations all converged there. This was something that she was really embracing at that time. A new community that she was in the process of joining. So there was a lot for her to do and to pay attention to. And it was that much easier for her to distance me.
By that point, I’d already felt stabbed in the gut by something she’d said to me about a month earlier. One of those harsh comments on the other person that people make in anger in relationships. It cut me to the core at that time. Caused me to question my worth and my potential. But I was still not done.
I remember that during that large summit gathering, I finally decided to give it one more shot. Hadn’t really talked to her much for a couple of days I think. That would have been fine if we’d been in a good place, but we weren’t. And I was feeling like I didn’t exist.
I finally screwed up my determination and went to talk to her.
I think she was at a table with 6 other people in an outdoor area where there were probably 50 other people.
I walked to her and said some version of ‘we need to talk/I want to talk’. Her response was not even unfriendly. It was just like talking to someone who doesn’t matter. I don’t remember what it was. I don’t remember most of everything. haha. But what I do know is that she blew me off.
I said, 'Okay."
Went back to my room, bought a plane ticket. Flew out the next morning. Ditched the lot of them.
I don’t think we ever actually had the break-up conversation.
But I stopped calling her after that.
I remember that she needed someone to help her move into a new apartment at one point, and I drove over to help her. But I didn’t reconnect with her emotionally.
There were a few other things, but that’s the basic idea.
During Dragon Reborn, I remembered more about her, and more moments with her, and felt that I’d forgiven.
That was 2021 sometime, maybe August or something? Or maybe later.
But about an hour ago, a song suddenly popped into my mind. And I remembered that during the time when I was deeply in love with her that album was the soundtrack. That one, and also The Cocteau Twins - Heaven or Las Vegas.
Really good music.
And then I remembered vividly what it had been like in that phase of just falling in love. This is a really, really long time ago.
I don’t know what triggered all of this, but it’s clearly stuff being processed in my deep mind and in my memory.
That’s amazing.
Today is Monday. I resumed my subliminal stack on Saturday morning. So it fits.
But it sure is interesting to wonder what the heck is actually going on inside me.
