I spent a lot of time trying to run from the shadow of my father, I look like him, I am him. I mean he is my father after all, I accept that I am his son and that he is a shitty father but that’s okay. I learned a lot from him by not having him around, he truly inspires me to be a better person, someone that’s not him… therefore I am not him, I am his son thou.
My mom, a woman I now dream about, it’s been 3 years since she passed… she’s the woman who first ripped my heart out unintentionally by leaving me at my grandparents house so that she can provide. I now understand that life gets in the way of parenting so I cherish the moments I had with her, ones that were heartfelt. I used to be jealous of my family how they got to have more time with her than me, her first born. Now I spend however time I want with her even thou she doesn’t reply back every time I visit her grave.
Both my parents have love for me, they just couldn’t provide. Something I never want to be, I want a better family of my own, one that knows the past, and enjoys the present while creating a better future.
I’m on the couch now, thinking about all of this, how I’m needy in my relationships, how I wanted women I’m dating to fill the role my mother had left, one I lacked. And how I’m so fixated on being a better father to escape my own fathers shadow, I’m 24 this year, I’m tired of being bound by my past, so I accept the past and I’m going to pave a better future, one not driven by neediness.
