The presults from this have been massive for me.
Iāve been able to differentiate the self-sacrifice pattern I had going on, how I took on the karma of others, and, by doing so, attracted emotionally parasitic individuals who thought they had some form of claim over me and my energy.
Often, these were people with deep-rooted wounds and resentment toward the male figures in their lives. Not just women, but also my male friends.
I tried to do more and make them feel more seen, but it always ended up with me realizing that I could not continue with this. Every relationship I managed to get out of, I just felt liberated from.
I see now why.
I cannot fragment myself to take on something that was never my job to carry in the first place.
I cannot let myself be further exploited when the whole relationship was already based on burning myself out so the other person would not have to take responsibility for their own feelings.
Deep down, they sought someone to balance the scales, to get back at someone, wanting someone who would finally take them seriously enough in their suffering.
I see very clearly now how my inherent lack of self-worth led me to assuming that position for them, and why this pattern was so hard to break for me. If I had half the intentions some people projected onto me in the past, they would have never been able to treat me the way they did.
They do not do it to their abusers; they do it to those who try to rectify the damage that has already been done.
Truth is, everyone I encountered has become stronger from it in some form.
For those until now, you are welcome.
But people 10ā50 years older than me have to mature by themselves. Iām not going to deal with supposed grown-upsā daddy issues anymore.
Iām not going to let myself be emotionally blackmailed, gaslighted, and exploited by people preying on my goodwill and compassion anymore.
Iām also recognizing where I allowed this on some level, though. It helped me avoid taking responsibility for building my own identity, value system and directing my own life.
Avoiding becoming my own individual, independent of collective approval.
Helping others can just be as much of an escape mechanism as other things.
From this position, it is not a virtue; it is as cowardly as it gets.
I do not need to see myself as a victim to recognize where I have been absolutely violated in my free will, and I do not need the individuals in question to understand, let alone apologize for it.
But I donāt have to make someone elseās perspective my own.
I am free to choose the women I give to freely; no borderliner will own me anymore.
That is what these kinds of people really hated the most: when I would withdraw for my own peace.
Friends and women called me a traitor, but, with some specific exceptions that I recognize as my own responsibility, the main ābetrayalā I ever committed was trying to break away from people who sucked me dry to the point where I was in a constant state of burnout.
The only power other people held over me was my surrendering myself to their compassion baiting.
I am not available for this any longer.
