Anti-recon result -
This week I’ve been sick and my new gf has been helping to take care of me.
It’s put me in a weird vulnerable position and I’ve felt like less of a man for it.
Being on that back foot, a really difficult conversation topic came up where she asked me a question that I answered honestly and which made me look really bad due to shit I’ve done in the past that I just admitted to.
She was immensely displeased and disappointed in me.
It made me spiral, thinking she hated me, that this was going to be the end of our relationship, etc. To the point where I didn’t even reveal the whole truth about the matter. This was also right before bed so we went to sleep but I couldn’t fall asleep as I was wracked with anxiety.
Next day around lunch or dinner, I don’t recall, I bring it back up and mention how I’m feeling, my fear of losing her over this.
She admits she overreacted but that doesn’t really help me, I have shit stirring up inside that isn’t quelled, I need more reassurance.
We keep talking and in the end I start to feel better, but I can’t keep the honest truth hidden, it feels inauthentic, so I tell her the rest of what I had been afraid to say. It’s shocking to her but she still understands me and we talk about how important honesty is to us.
In the very very end, after all of that, something deeper was revealed. She had forgiven me but I couldn’t forgive myself. I didn’t deserve her love, or any forgiveness. I saw myself as irredeemable, and I couldn’t even explain why. I cried, told her all of this, revealed my last card that I was holding close. That inexplicable shame I carried.
She embraced me and kissed me and loved me and accepted me, and something inside me healed.
Now, this woman is without a doubt special and I hold her dear to me, but the anti-recon of it all is this -
I couldn’t help but be authentic and vulnerable (GLM/Regen).
Something inside me pushed me to keep digging on this convo/issue until it was fully resolved within (anti-recon).
I was afraid to be vulnerable, but I took the leap anyway, because real love shouldn’t fear vulnerability (Wanted Dream Boy).
I kept digging into my emotions trying to understand them and myself (Hero Water).
This is some good good shit boys. This is why I don’t care about updates and timelines. There have been enough amazing releases in the past year to keep us all busy with self growth. Get after it.