This title frightens me almost with how much clarity I have gained from it so far. For a long time I was more or less convinced that in order to be successful I had to pursue everything I thought I wanted. That’s so fucking exhausting. It feels like for me becoming more content means most often not doing those things. As weird as that may sound. It’s having restraint to know when something is a necessity for growth or just a random desire. For someone with severe ADHD this is huge
I remember for a long time I thought I wanted to do jiu jitsu. I went to a school a few times back in early 2017 and although the people and place were amazing it just didn’t feel right and I couldn’t figure out why. Over the past six plus years I have asked myself at various times " do I really want to do this?". At this point and going forward I know the answer will always be " No". I’m just not willing to put in the effort it would require and I can’t and won’t force myself to try. I have felt that way about other things including relationships strangely enough. I thought it was something I wanted but it didn’t feel right.Yet I forced myself to push on anyway because I was terrified of being alone for some reason. That was probably the cause of most of my relationships ending. I probably came off as incredibly needy.
I do know that a few of my relationships ended because I was dealing with serious undiagnosed depression and at the time I didn’t have the awareness or resources on how to deal with it. I look back at a lot of things that caused issues with not just in relationships but also with my family and with jobs. I was fighting something within myself without realizing it and making myself and others unnecessarily miserable.
I did this with pursuing higher education as well. I honestly thought I wanted to go back to school but I now know I really didn’t. I should have known when I would continually have this feeling like I didn’t belong there. That and it took time that I had no true desire to invest in. I don’t really talk about my personal life that much but as I grow by living my life and running Phoenix I want to be a bit more open