I’ve gotten my ass kicked so many times, fuck lol.
80% of my life I absolutely hated myself, felt worthless and like a complete failure with no direction. I’ve been the average joe and out of shape. I’ve had the life-threatening health problems from self-neglect and not wanting to give up beliefs or face emotional issues. I’ve been the porn binger and the TV show binger. I’ve been the super dependent on the demanding parents and failing to meet expectations. I’ve had the friend group use me for my intellect and then ditch me. I’ve been looked down upon by my relatives for drinking heavily at family functions. I’ve been bullied and been the bully in my early childhood. I remember every single time I got bullied and I remember the first time vividly, the time I bullied someone. I’ve been in dumb physical altercations doing stupid shit. I’ve gotten fired from jobs for being dumb. I’ve had all of the generational wealth trauma and beliefs from growing up in a low income household. On and on and on… there’s just too much, I can’t even remember it all.
very very long continuation
I often pull things out of my childhood or teenage years almost photographically and with reference to, because I’ve revisited it so many times over and over again to reconcile. My subconscious mind popped up everything when I was working through it and I had to be at peace with things through things like self-love, lessons and patience.
First 20+ years of my life was just “Here you go, learn trauma”. Boom.
No purpose, just a complete mess, full of insecurity, hating myself, comparing myself to others all of the time and feeling inadequate. Felt like I had the short end of the stick and that life was unfair. That it was over for me. I went down all of the rabbit holes and further grew my self-defeatist hopeless mindset. I found other people to confirm it for me. I went deeper. I hated myself even more. I neglected myself even more. A bottomless pit of misery. My health got worse. Around the time I dropped out of college. It was just so depressing. Not any therapist levels of mental illness or crazy shit… but just the typical powerless mindset. The people that go to therapy and are on that type of level - I can only imagine what that’s like.
I woke up one day when my health was really bad and I just went “Enough. I’m tired of this shit.”
I created a strong feeling, assertion, intention and willingness… that whatever I had to do, it doesn’t matter I would do it. I would let go of anything. Whatever was required for me to change my life, have a better life and stop living in misery… I opened up to it and I would do anything to get there.
Almost like begging to sell your soul to the devil, but instead of the devil I was begging for change in my life with the willingness to do whatever was necessary for that change.
That’s all it was, it was an intention and a willingness. A declaration of readiness with no turning back.
Every morning and night I did that, for months. It was like a morning ritual.
My logic was “well, if I go out like this, at least I wasn’t in my own way. I’m genuinely ready for change”. I didn’t know what to do but I was ready - that’s all that matters.
I don’t know why I did that. Probably because I had been turning to religion/god/universe/ etc, just a basic psychology of yes being skeptical of forces beyond yourself but giving them the benefit of the doubt because you really don’t have any other option. I didn’t have time for skepticism because it was either skepticism or you die and live miserable. Lmao. So, I played along with that route… also probably subconsciously there’s some background there as I have relatives who are into basic prayer and religion. Who knows the influence that I’m unware of.
After I did that, I then became the most humble, no-ego version of myself. I never talked shit, I stop complaining about everything and I pretty much kneeled to everything that came my way without judgement. I completely accepted where I was at. I just nodded at everything. All I had was my 1. readiness/willingness and 2. Go. I became a full on student. A learner. Rather than a complainer. A student but I was anchored to that willingness and I let the unfolding become the teacher.
I was going completely off of trust because again no other option. Almost like a last resort coping mechanism, except this coping mechanism turned out to actually work.
The readiness and willingness paved the way.
I then went through a journey of self-help and discovery of subliminals, etc. I was led to knowledge. I was led to strategies. I reconciled so much shit. I faced so much shit. I got my ass kicked so many times. I just kept going and moving. I became obsessive and fell in love with the process. My life just kept getting better the more I faced myself and worked through myself. I learned what it means to be human. I moved the goal-posts. None of it was easy. A lot of swearing, a lot of running around in circles, a lot of denial and trying to push things back down because I was afraid to admit or face them. A shit ton of self-sabotage. A whole ton of fear. Self-love was very key, I spent 2 years doing just self-love work and teaching myself patience “it’s okay bro. It’s okay”. First 20 years of my life, I didn’t even know what self-love was. Accepting, loving or appreciating myself was a foreign concept in my being. That’s a big lesson right there.
When I wanted to develop spirituality and expand, all I did was the same thing. I just created that readiness in myself that “I’ll do anything. I’ll let go of any belief, I’ll let go of my ego, it doesn’t matter”. Like really letting go of anything. Your desires, your hedonisms, your clingy beliefs that you’re like “no, it doesn’t matter nobody can ever change this”, the judgements of this and that… I was like “whatever, anything I’ll let go”. I have that ingrained in my mind to never judge the process or get in my own way because of that low situation in my life where it was a catalyst.
Shit is crazy, but over time my life changed, my beliefs changed, I overcame a lot of the traumas. I moved through a lot of recon. I’ve done all of the compulsory distracting, trying to run away and overcoming the subconscious fear, etc. I just kept going with what unfolded. I learned all the shit.
I have friends who use TikTok, watch porn, are not physically active, watch Netflix and etc. I love all of them. I socialize with people like this and I love all of them. I get along with anyone. I only become turbo when it comes to the realm of growth. People who want big transformation, growth and change… there’s a reality to it which I’m very passionate about because it’s all I stand for.
Very much like if my average friend wants to just live life a certain way, that’s not a big deal. But they if want to do tremendous growth and change, you can’t coddle or let them half-ass things.
Or another analogy, being in the gym. Some people are there to do there casual thing but others are there for a massive goals and higher purpose. Growth is the only realm of life that I get a little polarizing or out of pocket because it’s a super passionate and serious thing to me. High level growth is high level growth, goal posts moving, transcending mediocrity, cultivating yourself into a badass, shadow self, coping mechanisms etc. I treat it all with respect. You can’t coddle or leave stones unturned - not in growth. It’s anti-growth. Growth can get really dirty. Everything is challenged, internally, emotionally, perceptually. It’s the habitat of dissonance. But if it’s not about growth, then I’m a wholesome marshmallow, lmao.
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