Learning to socialize once again (while doing DR)

Questions and Comments
#1

I just wrote this in my journal. I’m on DR St2, and I stacked it with LBFH. I’m seeking ideas on how to get back into life, as I’ve been reclusive for a while.

(Beginning of post)

New thoughts and realizations have been popping up while listening. I’m going to share one before I sweep it under the rug again.

I’ve always played safe when around people. I’ve usually been wide open or closed down completely. I do this with family, friends, and even strangers. Reflecting back, years back when I was teaching I felt like a school celebrity since I was pretty open and “nice”. Very non-combative (as a substitute teacher), and I was frequently sought after. I got attention whether I wanted it or not.

But what I’m doing now–I’m playing safe again. I’m alone all the time when home, I don’t reach out to family since I have old unhealed differences. You know, the norm for families raised like mine (alcoholism). I assume people out there don’t want me. It’s like I’m looking for what fills my old norm.

I’m sitting in pain here, and I just realized I’m desiring to keep safe. My walls are, in essence, the 4 walls of my room, keeping people out. One or both subs are questioning this, and I long for the day when I can be around people and 90% of my attention isn’t focused on keeping my guard up.

I haven’t been regularly to church in years, I have no friends I keep in touch with, and I’ve been afraid of girls since I want to drop my guard to someone. I’m too nice, too easy. I just keep everyone away, fearing they’ll see the pain I’m in and reject me. Here too. Every part of my life I’m like this. Like safety is my absolute must. I write that in pain. I’m hurting, but have no outside resources I feel safe opening up to.

I saved an AA meeting flyer on my laptop months back, and this morning I opened it. I don’t drink, nor have desire to, but I desire to belong with both men and women to feel like I’m part of life. That is the main reason I went to AlAnon, AA, NA, and any group where I could feel wanted , and hopefully, loved. I used to go to 2-3 meetings a week, mostly to feel like I belonged somewhere. That’s my life. That’s the main reason why I’ve had such “experience” in 12 step rooms. To feel like I belonged. Why I’ve done 3 or 4 year-long commitments studying the 12 steps (called step studies). I ended up thinking something was essentially wrong with me since I felt unwanted and fearful of people knowing me. And it kept me going.

And now, I have a lot of healthy programming, but I’m away from people most of the time. And I still have that old fear of being hurt if people know me.

What am I not seeing? Hiding in my “bunker” isn’t a solution.

(End of post)

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#2

You have a very soulful way of writing. The feelings in them are very evident. And maybe that could be your initial way to communicate with others, your first couple of steps we could say, to show your care for others and your desire to connect.

I must admit that when I read your want to meet people in AA and other similar meetings, it reminded me of that scene in Fight Club where the protagonist meets other men where they talk about their testicular cancer (or something similar) despite not having any illness himself. The desire to connect with others is so strong that he had to lie to get to that space.

I am not coming at this from a right or wrong perspective. Just noticing that “no man can live as an island”. If that’s the case, then you definitely have to do something.

Fight Club also talks about masculinity and the feeling of men who don’t know their place in society thanks to consumerism and lack of conflict. Consuming things by purchasing unnecessary things dulls the pain of not having real things in life like relationships and purpose. And lack of conflict makes men soft and not able to be hard enough to face the reality of life.

I know you talk about having a brother figure (or lack of it) in your journal. There could be some connection between it and masculinity that you miss in your own life. I cannot say for certain. But what I know for certain is that men need tribes to be better and to help them tame the world around them.

You don’t need a tribe of men to beat each other into pulp though. But you need sorne who are role models. Maybe something like Inner Circle can help with that.

Since DR is a traditionally masculine title (SaintSovereign’s own words), combining it with Inner Circle and LBH could help you find your mentors and friends.

Which brings me back to writing. You could use that as a fishing hook to find them. You don’t need to tell people your troubles since overexposing your heart at the beginning usually drives everyone away. But you could use your words to influence and speak of your desire to connect with other men who are in their respective self-improvement spaces and/or hobbies that interest you.

You could use that to get into a group of writers for that matter. That’s an idea don’t you think? I wish I could get some other ideas for you but am sitting here after dinner and content to just be lazy lol.

Hope you can take away some ideas from this random rambling rant of mine.

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#3

I remember that scene too. I was the guy sitting there, just needing to connect, to feel human once again, looking for a purpose. I do that in other areas of life, truth be told. At work, my “official” job is working at the shop right next to the mechanics. They’ve come to see me as reliable and dependable, and lately one’s even invited me to join their team. But engines aren’t my forte, and never have been. I gave it some thought recently, but seeing how they’ve been hiring very inexperienced mechanics and have been grumbling about low output, I dismissed it. My real reason to join them was all based in wanting to feel connected again. It had pulled at my heartstrings, so I considered it.

And your post wasn’t rambling. It did have me consider things, like writing, which I used to connect with me just airing my laundry constantly. I’d never personally seen it as a good thing. (that’s rather un-loving toward myself, now that I came back here to re-read it). My perspectives have room for change.

Your thoughts about Inner Circle have me wondering. I’ve never been super social (I’m an INFP), but put me in an environment conducive to caring about people in some fashion, and I’ll shine. It’s why I’ve always enjoyed customer service jobs and the like. I work on the back of a garbage truck a lot (I’m a fill-in for drivers calling out), and the highlights of my days are where people come out asking questions. I truly enjoy helping people, and it gives me a sense of purpose.

Outside of work…I don’t have any connections or commitments anywhere to anyone. I think I’m going to email my ex-wife after leaving this post. She’s the proverbial social butterfly, actually being charged up while in a crowd. I do well with 1-3 others, at best. I don’t need a whole room. She has numerous connections still in the town I live, so she may point out some possibilities I’ve not considered.

Thank you for the feedback @Lion. Food for thought :+1:

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#4

Start with finding a group around a positive activity you already have some competence in (so you’ll be more confident) and that you enjoy.

Or, better yet, start your own group. You’ll get that natural authority from being the leader, which will further boost your confidence and could help with your love life because (some) ladies love leaders, but YMMV depending on the type of group.

Those are a couple ways you could start socializing this week…and similar to @Lion 's suggestion.

I haven’t run DR, so I don’t know what that journey’s like, but I did just start LBFH and happened to hear something yesterday that’s been replaying in my head, and maybe it might apply to your situation, even if it sounds a little nutty…

…it went something like, “You have to forget everything in order to focus on one thing.”

And even though part of me wants to reject that, it makes some sense (to me) because every time I’ve experienced growth I’ve had to let go of the past and focus on the habits that would shape me into someone new so that my external reality reflected the “new” back to me.

If what’s within is reflected back to us on the outside, then if old patterns are still showing up externally, we haven’t “forgotten” that part of who we were to allow for who we could be.

Maybe if you “forget” about who you’ve been, you could focus on who you want to be right now.

Anyway, I’m still playing with this idea and letting it marinate. Might delete this part later :sweat_smile:

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#5

That’s not nutty. It’s relief. It’s why I ran Emperor a few times recently, to feel “unstuck” from fear and guilt constantly harping on me. The old guilt has been coming forth, and sometimes physical activity is bliss compared to the inward nagging in my head.

And starting my own group? I have been thinking along those lines lately due to something I’m coming in to. It combines personal responsibility, self-management, wisdom, and love. It’s a newer thought, but I’m not the first one to do it. My role would be a definite first for me though.

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#6

I’m currently going through the same things you going through. I have one best friend though and a few new friends I made on this forum🤗. A few years back I also was that guy that people just wanted around them because I made them feel good about themselves; a compliment here and there your plain old people pleasing person which involved parties; women and social gatherings.

I understand now that those experiences had to happen and that I had to become quiet and alone. It’s been years since I held a female, rejections and heartbreaks etc, my body also started to feel the after effects of alcohol abuse. I told my best buddy last night I won’t be drinking with him anytime soon because I really want to stop but I keep on pleasing him as he made it clear he will never stop. Starring at a wall was not something I could do in the past, funny enough its the best thing nowadays, especially with my good old friend marijuana(I believe it’s not advisable to smoke weed when listening to subs) it helped me a lot. I lived in the past and future, planned everything ahead and I failed miserably. Lost my job a few months ago but I’m glad I did because now I spent more time with myself, feeling more assertive; spontaneous and I don’t overthink anymore, I’m finally living in the present.

I don’t feel alone anymore, I don’t even miss going to my parents place and even families because they expect me to live for them. Hang in there buddy, you in good hands with DR, embrace this phase in your life, it won’t be like this forever, for the both of us :+1:. @Lion speaking of Fight Club, I’m turning 39 soon and I’ve never been in a fist fight before because I dodge conflicts, guess I’m just scared; soft; fem traits and fearful, it will change soon though :wink:

Sorry if I bored you guys with this, it’s been good :blush:

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#7

It felt like I was in an AA room, hearing “Fuck it! I’m just going to share this”, and they tell things that aren’t said frequently. It takes some courage sharing what’s really going on. I liked being in your post wondering what else was going to come up.

Definitely not boring either. Just life and the wondering “what do I do NOW?”

No fist fights here either. My brother had this “great” idea when I was 10 to have me fight a neighbor–who I had no qualms with. I actually began laughing while slap-fighting him, and my laughing threw him off. I was supposed to be MEAN and DANGEROUS.

Well,…obviously NOT. Never been in another physical fight in my life either.

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#8

I think I might have to visit an AA session also, the release is good. If someone laughed and slapped me in the face I would run away lol.

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#9

yeah, that “fight” didn’t last more than 20 seconds. Noone wanted to do it anyway. Even if you’re 10 or 11, and wanting to appear strong to neighborhood guys. It was all looking to live in a fantasy, looking back.

I remember watching the Rocky movies in the 80’s, and my brother and I quickly saved to buy boxing gloves. That fantasy didn’t last long when my brother found out I was quicker than him, knowing when he wasn’t prepared for my hits. The little guys (I weighed around 110 all through high school) are always watching for one’s weak spot when under attack.

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