Khan / Spartan / Shifting

Journals - Major Programs
#115

I think I forget on the daily that you’re a female. It’s gotta be the avatar photo.

“You need to change and become like little children. If you don’t, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”

So that means we keep that spirit we had when we were children, just with more maturity and wisdom now. I think… We just remove all the BS we took on before we knew any better, to get to that “pure” state again I guess.

I think we all get that pull, and it seems to be that’s what we really want, is the unlimited child-like spirit, with all possibilities still available. That’s why I got less detached to other people’s advice and opinions too, very few are really free again. Just programming yet. Yet we all do our best from where we’re at.

#116

I want to start a personal project. It’s very artsy. It would take me more than 20+ or every possibly 40+ hours to do. I am coming back home. Will start working at a job in two days. I’m a bit nervous whether it is a good timing to start now simultaneously as the job will begin because I don’t want to get into it too much and then not be able to deliver in my job. I don’t want to get myself into trouble and I know that when I start something like this, I go hard until the day I finish it. It would take all my free time and I think I might need to work at home instead. At least the first month. I don’t want to get fired the first month in. I also just itch to do this project.

And then there is the third part of me that is telling me that I should let it rest and learn how to sit for a while. I feel like I am so used to rushing always for something ahead. Always creating always making. And at times I feel tired. Overwhelmed. But more importantly, I feel like It would be much cooler to go and hit the gym rather than sit on my ass and draw all day.

I need to learn balance. I need to learn to - put my work first, find a place in my week to workout and then use the rest of my free time for drawing AND laying back too. being bored.

Have days where when I come home, I don’t draw. I just rest. Right now drawing feels like 80% of my life.

More rest, more working out, focusing on delivering good service at my work… and take drawing less as a goal and more like a way to relax and have fun in the process. Leave that part that is itching to show it to people die a little more than it has up until now.

#117

When I’ll get home, I will clean my room. I will trash or give 60% of the things I have there. I’ll keep my laptop setup and necessities. Things I didn’t use within the last 3 months, will have to go (outside of seasonal clothing ofcouse). I would love to sit down and relax and know I have nothing to carry with me. Nomad.

#118

I’m more than sure that we used to just beat the most annoying idiots to death back in ancient ages. You yap a lot and make people mad? Okay. You’re dead. Anyways moving on.

Disagree with me? Okay. I’ll punch you.

Sounds like goofy times huh

#119

My hair grew long again. Down to my waist. I feel nervous about a lot of things but in the back of my mind I know that all is well and that everything will go perfectly as it always does. I feel prettier. In face too. Divine self image and all that shifting is so fun.

Few days back I saw myself in the mirror and realized my shoulders are much broader than my hips. I didn’t know that before. It made me happy.

Berserker barbarian wohoooo!!! Baby!!!

#120

I actually believe that gender wars are just a distraction created so that people cant focus on real issues and can be swayed by this bullshit instead. Its so ridiculously stupid. There is no other way.

2 Likes
#122

That, and around 99% of what everyone seems worrying or rage baiting about. It’s far simpler and easier to do that with everyone else than wonder… what is it that truly matter? What is missing in this world and how do we make and keep it in our lives

2 Likes
#123

Winning looks a lot like losing until you win

#125

Power is the ability to execute violence on somebody with no restraint.

#127

You need only a 15 minute long conversation with someone to be able to see, why they cant get a partner. Its not a mystery. You’re just ignorant. Everyone else can see the flaws in you that you do not. Often, we choose to not see them and put the blame somewhere else. Most are not victims in this. They choose ignorance and pain. Most suffering is optional.

2 Likes
#128

Much is changing in my life. My body, my heart, my mind, my life, my pains. Even my joys have shifted slightly.

#129

A lot has been going on. Its been though. Mentally. Challenging. I want to leave. I want to be gone. I want to… I want to not have to worry or be drained by all these things happening at home every day. I would rather be on the street somewhere out there and live from pay to pay than to stay here. And soon I will be gone. I just. I realized I cant fix this. I cant change my surroundings. It must be for a reason that I am still here. Its been so long. The more alone I get to be the more peace I have. But it is never fully alone. Not for long. And Im tired. Im so tired. At times. The past three days have been intense. I know I grew stronger through this all. I deserve to get to leave. I know I am partly spoiled and I always lived my life on easy mode in terms of wealth. But I value my internal joy and peace more than any pretty room or clothes. I am working towards it all. I have been for years. I know god will give me an opening when the time is perfect for me to go.

Rather starve on the side of the streets with you than to be in a big house with someone I despise.

There is a lot of hate in me. Because I face injustice and mockery. Ignorance. This was all meant to be. It was written before I was even born. Thank you god for giving me this story. Thank you for teaching me patience. For teaching me love and hate. For teaching me how to give and also how to take. How to stand up in defiance. How to not fear the things others tremble upon. Thank you for preparing me. More than I even need to be prepared. Thank you for helping me walk my path that you have created for me.

1 Like
#130

maybe I dont even want to be alone

maybe I just dont want to be attacked and hurt by others all the time. And most of the time, right now I feel like thats the case for me. I would actually love to be close with people that I dont feel like hate me or take their shit out on me or feel like they might backstab me.

I think I just… I think its not me. I think Im just… in a spot where being alone is the safest for me. Because I do feel lonely. Thats why I ever come here. We all feel lonely. Maybe. RECOOOOON

But there is truth in all of this. I am very well off. But… I still want to leave. First world problems…

#131

I was ostracized. I havent had any close real friends for the past 4 years. I didnt have social media for over a year now. I get treated like some emotional mop every once in a while. No wonder I feel alone. I am not fully alone. But… I feel like its a good thing to realize all this. I dont even know if Ill ever have a friend I can tell my secrets to ever. Frankly. Its not that important. I dont need it. But I remember how nice it was when I had it. Not that I would want to go back. But this spot right now feels like a waiting hall. And it felt this way for few years now. Especially this last year. Im just so happy Im so close to moving through. Soon. It is already here. I can feel it.

#133

To hell with everything actually
Everyone can go fuck themselves.
Im tired of being like a fish in this sea of abuse. Next time someone comes out at me again Ill take it out on them. And the world will reap what it has sown. They cant take away from me anything that I care for. Not anymore. Im going to be a menace. A true monster that they called me. I will be the worst you could imagine if you try to make me bow again. Lets make it a fun game. Lets see how mad it can drive you when you are met with defiance and uncaring spirit. I dont belong to any of them. In fact, I have been a victim. For my whole life I was one. Because I got beaten down from within over and over. And it never stopped. I was never enough. Not because I was bad. But because they wanted a bag to punch whenever they had a bad mood. Fuck you. Honestly. Why couldnt you just leave me alone. I never poked you. I always just wanted to live my life in my corner. But youre a monster not me. I dont care how you feel. I cant fix this. And you dont want it to be fixed either. You like this. You like this abuse. You created it.

1 Like
#134

I just remembered to drink water. Thats kind of funny.

1 Like
#135

I like how the last post was 2 min after the intense one prior to it :rofl:

#136

fr fr water made me chill instantly

Recon hit and I knew, I just went with it. Its so easy to spot and Im not as attached to it as before. At the end of the day, all this is pretty trivial. But it was fruitful to write whatever. Probably helped me grow more perspective or something.

2 Likes
#138

Not worry about things happening but rather just dealing with them when they do happen. Action over worry. Eliminate worry, take action when the time is right. Lay back and rest. Our life would be overall better, if we replaced the times that we worry with just laying back and relaxing.

1 Like
#139

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